Tag: mental-health

My Phone is My Kryptonite

I can’t get away from my phone.  It’s worse than a toddler.  I take it with me wherever I go.  I put it on the table next to me at restaurants, meals at home, next to me on the desk in my office.  I bring it with me to the bathroom.  (Ewwww you say?  Please, like you don’t do that!)   If I don’t “hear” it pinging every so often, I pick it up and look at it.  I can’t help checking my emails, or scrolling through social media, or playing games on it, or listening to podcasts or ebooks.  It prevents me from being completely present at meetings, at lunches, at family get togethers.  If I do happen to leave it somewhere, I panic and frantically look for it, even using my find device from my watch, or have whomever I’m with call it.   When I find it, I breathe a sigh of relief.  Like I said it’s worse than having a toddler.   Oh and if it goes off in the middle of the night,  it wakes me up and then I can’t go back to sleep.  It’s my Kryptonite!  I don’t like it.  I want it to stop.  I think I may be addicted to it.  

Although the above is me, I hear it from friends and clients all the time.  For clients, it’s especially hard, because they have ADHD.  For ADHDers a phone is a double-edged sword.  On one hand, it helps with alarms, timers, reminders, and directions, and can help with time blindness. There are apps designed specifically for people with ADHD.  Ah, such a blessing!

On the other hand, it’s a tool for destruction!  Phones can “encourage” procrastination, and provide easy access for research that can cause the person to go down rabbit holes,  or other information seeking behavior and dopamine hits.  It’s easier for an ADHDer to pick up their phone and play a game or scroll incessantly through TikTok videos so they can avoid more difficult tasks, like …well, any productive task.   Ah, such a curse!  Phones can also prevent the neurodivergent from uncomfortable social situations.  If you’re in a large group of people and you have social anxiety, you can just put your face in your phone.  As one client put it, I just can’t have my phone near me .  It’s especially bad at work beause I’m not getting work done.  And if you work from home?  Ugh, forget about being as productive as you should be.  

I’m here to tell you that hope is not lost!  There are tools to change your life for the better and help you get things done and get your face out of your phone. First, admit you have a difficult relationship with your phone, or computer, or ipad, or any other device that is getting in your way.  And yes, you do have a relationship with it, even though it’s an inanimate object.  Have a verbal conversation with it.  Yes, I know that sounds weird, but sometimes, verbalizing things out loud can help.  Tell it how it’s getting in your way, that you don’t like it.  Tell it you need it but on your terms only.  Tell it that you’re going to give it some boundaries.  Side note:  What’s really nice about this “conversation” is that it doesn’t talk back.  How wonderful is that?  Now,  for the boundaries:

-When you get to work, if you can, put it on DND, then put it away, whether in your purse or a drawer that you have to get up from your chair in order to get it.  At break time, take it out and check for any messages or emails.  Once you have finished checking, put it back in the drawer or purse or anywhere that’s away from you. 

-If you use your phone for timers, consider switching to a kitchen timer instead.  That way you aren’t having to pick up your phone when the alarm goes off and then start doing something else on it.  

-If you work from home and your phone happens to also be your work phone, you can still use DND for non work related people.  You can also put your phone in another room or in a drawer with the sound up high, so that you can hear it when it rings or pings.  The point here is to get it out of sight.

-When out to lunch or dinner with friends and family, put it in your pocket or purse or even give it to someone to hold.  That way you won’t be tempted to rudely check your phone during the meal.  Oh,  and also put your phone on DND.  

-If you’re a student, put your phone on DND and put it in your backpack at the beginning of class.  Leave it there for the entire class.

-If you’re a parent and your kids feel that they should have access to you 24/7? Have a conversation with them about boundaries.  This will also prevent you from picking up your phone and checking for calls or texts from them all the time. 

-Schedule certain times and lengths of time during the day that you reward yourself with games, social media and videos.  Set a timer and have fun.  When the timer goes off, return your phone to “jail”  (the drawer or purse or anywhere else you will have difficulty getting to)

-If you frequently look at your phone while you’re driving, put it in the glove compartment.  

-Recruit a friend or family member to help keep you on track.  They may even need help with this as well.  Or even talk with a group of friends and tell them what you’re trying to accomplish.  You just might be surprised that they want to join you and try to lessen their own screen time.

– Do you have trouble at night and take your phone to bed with you,  and hours later, when you should be asleep, you’re still on the dang thing?  Well, we all know what science says about that.  You need 30 minutes without screen time to get to sleep.  Not only is the blue light terrible for sleep, but the brain is still firing on all cylinders. This is really not good for ADHD brains!  If this is you, plug in your phone on a dresser or table out of reach before you get into bed.  And if you are a middle-of-the-night waker/phone player, your phone is out of reach, and you’ll have an automatic pause to think before you get up and get the phone.  No one wants to get out of bed in the middle of the night anyway unless they have to go pee, and not even then.  

I admit, that these are simple and common sense tools.  But at the same time, difficult.  Habits that have been built over time are hard to break.  The habits may take just as long to break as they did to build.  Therefore, I encourage you to do just one thing that will help.  If you are successful with it, then add another.  Figure out which one of your phone habits will be easiest to break and then take action.  Little steps, little steps.  I know what I’m going to do, do you?

         “Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs one step at a time”.   -Mark Twain

Self-Sabotage

You have all at the same time:

Registered for full-time coursework at college

You have taken a part-time job

You have joined numerous school clubs

You have made a commitment to working out five days a week

You go out with your friends multiple times a week.

You believe you can do this.  You are motivated.  Even if you have struggled in the past.  You even struggled last semester and weren’t successful, but this time, you’ve got it!  You’re going to do it!  It’s a lot, but hey, it’s a new year and you are excited!

Two to three weeks later:

You are behind in your classwork and have failed at least one test

You aren’t getting enough sleep

You are living on energy drinks

You aren’t working out

You’re still having fun with friends

You’re working your part-time job but struggling to get to work on time

You’re beginning to get concerned…..

Four to six weeks later:

You have had to drop a class or two because you simply aren’t getting to class, turning in papers, and/or have failed every test

You are procrastinating everything – doing classwork, cleaning your apartment, going to the market to get food.  Instead, you watch endless videos, or play video games and movies

You’re still living on energy drinks

You are staying up later and later

You are missing more and more classes because you need to sleep

You are no longer motivated

Six to eight weeks later:

You have dropped all of your classes

You may still have your job because you need money to survive

You feel horrible about yourself and wonder why you just can’t do the things you set out to do.  You think, “Everyone else seems to be able to do it so why can’t you? “ 

This happens all of the time with everything you set out to do.   You feel that you can’t be successful at all, since everything you do seems to fall apart and you quit, so why bother at all?

Self-loathing and shame has set in.  

You find yourself lying to everyone who asks how you are and what’s going on in your life.

The above scenario is about a college student who is self-sabotaging.  This may not be your scenario because you aren’t a college student, but you  see yourself in a similar scenario in your present life.

  According to Dictionary.com, self-sabotage is:

  • “behavior or thoughts, especially of an involuntary or unconscious nature, that are harmful to one’s own interests or development.”

Self-sabotage can be a typical symptom of ADHD.  And it can become a vicious cycle.  Often, as stated above, it is unconscious and involuntary.  Often, someone may be self-sabotaging from an early age and when they become an adult, their life seems to come to a complete halt because of it.   The reasons for it are plenty and personal and possibly stem from feelings of failure and not being good enough, and even not being diagnosed with ADHD.  

When self-sabotage becomes a way of life, what can actually be done about it?  Here a few tips that can help.  

  1.  Identify self-sabotage in yourself.  This is always a first step in getting help.  Accept that there is no shame in admitting your behavior.  
  2. Get help.  Therapy will help root out the cause and help you face reasons for your behavior. Cognitive behavior therapy can be used to move forward and help prevent future self-sabotage.  Coaching can help you with tools to help prevent self-sabotage and find tools to help you succeed in future endeavors. 
  3. If you have ADHD, learn to accept that your brain works differently and that you may need to lessen your “load” to be successful.   For instance, 16 credits/units in school may be too much for you.  Having a part-time job while carrying a full load in school may be too much.  When you plan your schedule, be honest and assess whether or not the amount of work you have set yourself up to do is something you can actually do.  If you have any doubts, remove something.   Pause and self-reflect when you say to yourself, “I should be able to do all of this.  My friends can do it all, so why aren’t I able to?”  Ask yourself, “Should I be able to do this? “  If your answer is no because you are neurodivergent, then accept yourself for who you are.    Take small steps towards your life goals – not everything all at once, so that overwhelm doesn’t kick you in the butt.  Having an  academic or ADHD coach can help you evaluate what will work better for you.
  4. If you aren’t an adult and not in school, learn how to take things one step at a time and slow down.  Getting excited about working full time, taking on a home project, planning parties, working out five days a week, and beginning and learning a new art or craft?  Take a pause and ask yourself, “Is this too much?”  Take on one or two things, be successful with those two and then add another goal or activity. 
  5. When someone asks you to do something for them or join a new group, instead of jumping in right away and saying yes, pause and don’t say yes right away.  Take time to think and tell the person you’ll get back to them.  It can be embarrassing when you say you’ll do something and then bail because you simply don’t have the bandwidth.  
  6. Have a close friend or family member who can gently keep you in check.   

Are you finding yourself stuck and continuously going in a cycle of self-sabotage?  There is hope.  There is something you can do.  Take a breath and reach out to someone for help.  

“With courage, you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate and the wisdom to be humble.  Courage is the foundation of integrity.”

-Mark Twain