Part 1 of 2 part series

On one of our many family trips to visit my mother, we took a day trip to the charming gold rush town of  Murphys in Calaveras County in the foothills of the Sierras in California.   Murphys not only has a quaint downtown area filled with shops, restaurants and wine tasting rooms, but it has many wineries that you can visit and enjoy the different settings each of them has to offer.  We decided to picnic at one of the oldest local wineries, located in a bucolic valley.  As my husband and I were tasting the wines in the tasting room before we had our picnic, my mother , who did not drink, watched Ryan and his sister.  There was a very large table on one side of the room.  In fact, it was so large that Ryan, along with his grandmother, could sit on the bottom shelf comfortably and read a book together.  In the picture, you can see the two of them sitting close together reading a large picture book.  You aren’t able to figure out what the book was, but it’s clear that it was quite interesting.  You may also realize that it was a very precious moment, and I’m so glad we were able to capture it.  

The picture below perfectly captures the unique and special relationship Ryan had with his grandmother.   Although she was on the older side as grandmothers were concerned, she took the effort to make every moment count.  As a previous school teacher, my mother was able to spend time helping Ryan with his homework, and his reading and math skills.  Many times you would find her on the floor, playing with my children even when it was so very difficult for her to get up from the floor.  

My mother did not always understand what was going on with Ryan.  I think it was difficult for her to fully grasp his diagnoses and being from an older generation, it was probably befuddling to her.  But, that did not keep her from asking questions and being supportive.   I recall so many times that she would ask me the same questions about Ryan’s ADHD, or ask me if he’d grow out of it, or what we were doing to help him, or how I was managing.  

Ryan’s grandmother experienced first hand the meltdowns, the yelling and the pleading  So often, it was horribly embarrassing, but at the same time, I’m grateful that she witnessed  them.  There’s nothing like really finding out firsthand what raising a child with significant ADHD and other learning differences and the other  numerous issues that come with it.  My mother always waited in the background, allowing us to manage the situation without jumping in and possibly making things worse.  She didn’t yell at Ryan, telling him to stop or try to get him to redirect.  She patiently waited, and many times would distract our daughter from the situation.  This was one of the most helpful things she could have done.  

Afterwards,  she would often look at me and say how sorry she was that life could be so difficult.  She would ask if there was anything she could do.  And she often hugged me and told me she loved me.  And even more importantly, she never withheld support or love from Ryan.  She would however ask more questions and ask how things could be managed better, but to me, she never questioned my husband’s and my parenting.  Who knows, she may have talked to others about the situation, but I never knew it if she did.  I’m grateful for this, because to me, she was always in my corner, supporting and never judging.  Many times she would even say to me, “I don’t understand all that is going on with Ryan, but I love him.”  

My mother’s example is what a grandmother should be.  Helpful, kind, loving, questioning without judgment, willing to learn and most of all, willing to be there and not shying away from being there when times are tough.  To me she was an example of what I call the grandmother effect – the always calming, loving, accepting, and present being in our lives.

Ryan has been blessed to have had twenty one years with his grandmother  before her passing.  Like all of my mother’s grandchildren, he is sure he was her favorite.  She is m truly missed, and always much more so on Mother’s Day.   

Happy Mother’s Day to all  mothers and grandmothers. May your day be surrounded by your family and  filled with love.  For those that we have lost, may their memory be a blessing.   

“It is at our mother’s knee that we acquire our noblest and truest and highest ideals.”

– Mark Twain

This past weekend, Ira (my husband and Ryan’s dad) and I went to visit Ryan.  We were fortunate enough to also have a meeting with his university coach and mentor.  We hadn’t been able to meet in person since September 2020 and we looked forward to hearing from her and Ryan on how things were going.  We spoke about continued challenges as well as the great gains that Ryan had accomplished, and we discussed future goals and made plans to keep in touch.  We all walked out of the meeting, looked at each other and said, “Wow, we really made the right decision!”  

You never know whether your child will be successful in college, even if they’re brilliant, did spectacularly on entrance exams or an incredible school athlete.  There’s nothing out there that can measure future success.  Each kid is different, and who knows if they’ll thrive or not.  Add ADHD and other learning differences to the mix  and it can really become a crapshoot. ( (Excuse the expression, but it is just so accurate!) So planning ahead as much as possible and really knowing your child is key.  

With Ryan,  we started early in trying to figure out if he was going to be college material.  The goal was always to give him the opportunity to attend college, but we knew that the road would be difficult.  As soon as Ryan started high school, we began looking at schools that had support systems or programs that Ryan could access.  All schools had disability services as required by law, but we were looking for specific additional resources for him.  We discovered that there are many schools on the east coast that have additional support programs, but there are only a few on the west coast.  

In tenth grade, Ryan and I attended an event in San Francisco for students with learning differences.  There was a Southern Oregon University booth at the educational fair that we stopped at where they were advertising a program called UCAM (University Counseling and Mentoring).  This program consists of a mentor/coach who is assigned to a student and who they meet with either once or twice a week to help manage college life, academics, and executive function issues.  It is a fee for service, meaning that although it is part of the university, there is an extra fee for the program.  The program also provides a built in social aspect, in that the students in the program get together for activities and provide support for each other.  Ryan immediately turned to me and said, “This is where I want to go.”  

In the spring of eleventh grade through the fall of twelfth grade, we spent many hours with Ryan’s college and career counselor at his school,  Physically listing all of the colleges as well as careers and job opportunities on a board, Ryan then researched  each of them one by one. He looked at different majors and their educational requirements as well as careers that would be a good fit for his interests and abilities.   He applied to three schools that were, on paper,  the best fit for him –  SOU and two other small California State Universities ( although the state universities didn’t have special programs, the enrollment was small and we would be able to supplement extra help.)  We also discussed whether or not he was actually mature enough to start school right after he graduated.  It was decided that he would take a gap year (more on that in another post) to gain more independence in his daily life.  

Looking back on this experience it seems like it was easy.  It wasn’t . Just like any kid getting ready to make the big leap, there was a lot of angst, crying, yelling, and  frustration (and that just wasn’t from me!)  But we did the work.  We (Yes, we.  It was a family affair.) wanted to make sure that we were making the best decision possible.  We tried to take into account Ryan’s learning styles, his academic strengths and weaknesses and his personality.  I think it’s something really important to say here:  Know your child.  Know their strengths and weaknesses.  Just because they might want to go to a big university -maybe it’s really not the right place for them.  Set them up for success, not failure.  If they fail in their first year at a big school, not only will it cost you an enormous amount of money, it will cost your child a huge strain on their mental health.  Or they may need an extra year or two to mature a bit more.  Or -they may not be college material at all.  Also, a neurodivergent child’s success in college may take longer than four years once they start.  (I think of all of the rest of us who are neurotypical  that took longer than four years to finish college. Me being one.)   It’s important to remember that it is  extra challenging for the non neurotypicals.) .  There’s also all kinds of options as well in  how many units or credits they take each semester/quarter if they are connected with disability services. Setting up reasonable expectations is also important.  Think about what success might look like, and what your expectations are in advance.   

Ryan is truly at the best place for him.  Does he still struggle?  Of course.  He’s still growing and learning and figuring life out, and making small gains every day.    But he has his family, his friends, his teachers and especially his coach, (thanks, Jade!) to help him in his endeavors.   

When Ryan was working for the California Conservation Corps during his gap year between high school and college, he experienced a very difficult situation, one in which to date  was probably the most difficult he had encountered.  His supervisor was unhappy with his  slow work pace and his difficulty in completely understanding directions.  Ryan was also being harassed by other corps members for  similar things.  This was an important moment in Ryan’s life.  He didn’t have access to anyone to help him.  No phone access  so he could call  me or his father and no teacher or other adult to help him figure out what to do.    There was a decision to be made.  Was he going to say something about his ADHD and learning differences, or was he going to do nothing and accept his fate with his supervisor and coworkers?  Well, Ryan stood up to his supervisor (who by the way should have already known about Ryan’s diagnoses) and “educated” him about himself.  The supervisor’s response was anything but accepting, with the statement of “Well, everyone has issues and that’s no excuse.”  

After Ryan’s in the field assignment was finished and he was back at the main center, he  called his dad and me,  and together we discussed what he should do about this issue.  After discussing various options, Ryan decided that he wanted to transfer to another center.  But, this meant that Ryan had to initiate everythingon his own,  because he was over 18.  No choice.  He either had to see it through and self advocate or stay in a completely hostile work environment.  There was a lot of learning that went on between Ryan, his father and I,  and the California Conservation Corps.  Ryan learned how to become an advocate for himself,  we as parents weren’t able to be the advocates for Ryan that we always had been, and the California Conservation Corps learned about how they needed to do better with their corpsmembers who had diagnosed differences and disabilities.   In the end, I was very proud of the way Ryan handled this situation.

There’s nothing more important than becoming an advocate for your neurodivergent child.  It starts early.  It’s not easy to do.  There’s a huge learning curve.  There’s a right way to do it and a wrong way to do it.  You want to get everything your child needs and deserves.  Sometimes you are so angry that you go into a situation  yelling and screaming.  Other times, you are so exhausted that you just want to give up.  

For me, I needed to educate myself on anything and everything about Ryan’s diagnoses.  I read books, I read medical journals, I talked to other parents, I had long conversations with Ryan’s teachers, therapists and doctors.  I learned what the laws were and what they said (that wasn’t fun).  For Ryan’s first IEP, we hired a professional educational advocate who taught Ira and I what our rights were as parents and what Ryan’s rights were, and she taught us how to become our own advocates.  

As parents, you are your child’s sole advocate.  You make all decisions regarding what is best for your child in every aspect of their life.  But what happens and what does it look like when your child turns eighteen and you can no longer step in?  In the words of the Boy Scouts – “Be Prepared”.  Spoken plainly, prepare your child.  If you want your child to become a self advocate, it has to start early on in their life.  

From the get go, we did not hold back from Ryan who he was.  We always asked him how he was feeling, what things worked best for him, why he was pulled from class, why he was in different kinds of therapy – from speech, occupational, educational and behavioral.  Once he started attending.  Once he started attending  Westmark School in fourth grade, the school began  teaching  Ryan about  self advocacy. 

Beginning in sixth grade, Ryan sat in on parent teacher meetings and was actively involved in planning his educational goals.  Additionally, the school had an open door policy, where any student at any time could seek out any teacher, administrator or counselor to talk about anything that concerned them.  This environment helped the students at Westmark accept who they were, to be proud of who they were and removed any stigma.  The hope was that when these students left the comfort zone of a school for children with learning differences,  that they could go into college and the workplace and be the self advocate they would need to be.    

What happens then when the time comes for your special  child to leave home and go to college or into the workplace?  Are they willing to be their own advocate?  Do they embrace who they are?  Or do they not want others to know they are different?  As parents I believe that we are here to support our kids, to encourage them to love and accept who they are, and we need to be honest with them.  Self advocacy is one of the best ways for neurodivergent students to be successful.  Start teaching your children how to do that when they’re young.  Help them embrace who they are.  You will give them a better opportunity to succeed and they will feel confident to ask for and seek out the help they need.  

WARNING:  Sometimes with all the tools in their hands, our neurodivergent children may still not choose to self advocate for any number of reasons.   Believe me, things do continue to fall between the cracks and all is not roses and rainbows and success around every corner. This is not to call out Ryan or any other young person, but it’s just important to know and remember that managing an ADHD life, especially as a young adult is a huge challenge.  It’s easy from a parent’s standpoint to come down hard on their child/student when they don’t take all of the opportunities available to them.   And to be honest, I have come down hard.  It can be very frustrating and sometimes I wish I could just take over and do everything for Ryan.  But I have to remember that Ryan is the one who needs to learn these hard lessons.  It’s like with any child, right?   I try to remember this.  I try to remember to offer as much support as I can without overstepping. Oh and I try to be patient, and keep my mouth shut,  oh that’s so hard……..     

What comes to your mind when you think of mindfulness?  Do you think yoga? Meditation? Eastern religions? Some new age mumbo jumbo?  Do you think it’s just new psycho babble?  There’s so many books about it.  How to practice it.  What it is.  How it’s the new thing to do and you need to take classes and therapy  to learn how to practice it.  In some ways, it does seem to be ridiculous that our society is all gung ho about it.   

While there is mindfulness in the practice of Buddhism, there is also evidence of   practicing mindfulness in Christianity.  You can do that research on your own.  What I want to talk about here is how important mindfulness is when learning how to successfully manage a home with someone who has ADHD or managing yourself if you have ADHD.  It can be a tremendous positive tool and it’s not that difficult to learn how.  

So what is it?  According to mindful.org “Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. While mindfulness is something we all naturally possess, it’s more readily available to us when we practice on a daily basis. Whenever you bring awareness to what you’re directly experiencing via your senses, or to your state of mind via your thoughts and emotions, you’re being mindful. And there’s growing research showing that when you train your brain to be mindful, you’re actually remodeling the physical structure of your brain.”  

Pretty simple isn’t it?  Don’t we all want to be like this?

When Ryan was in High School, his college and career counselor mentioned to us that mindfulness training could be very helpful for Ryan especially when dealing with his impulsivity.  She put us in touch with a psychotherapist who was trained in mindfulness and taught others how to practice it.  And really,  that is what it is – a practice.  Learning how to stop in the moment and be aware of your surroundings, what is happening around you and how you are acting, behaving and speaking is a big part of what mindfulness is all about.  

It is useful when you are spending time with someone.  Are you fully present in the conversation?  Or does your mind wander, thinking about all of the other things you need to do later in the day?  Do you put away your phone when you are with others so there’s no distractions?  Do you think about what you’re going to say in response to a question posed to you by a colleague or friend, or do you just spew out words without thinking?  In a moment of anger do you take a step back, take a deep breath, think about what you’re going to say, or again just vomit anger in return? 

     Mindfulness gives you the tools to work on being completely present in the moment.  It allows you to think before you speak, to think about the other person, not just yourself.  It can prevent miscommunication,  and hurt feelings.  It also gives a neurodivergent mind like Ryan’s a chance to stop and think, and reset.  And for those of us in Ryan’s life, the ability to stop and think about what we might say to be helpful instead of hurtful, and it gives Ryan the chance to work through whatever is going on at the time.  You might call this state,  a caring awareness.

               We as a family continue to work hard in practicing mindfulness.  When having a conversation, we try to give the other person our complete attention by putting down our phones or whatever else we’re doing so that our full attention is on each other.  We work hard at not interrupting someone in the middle of a sentence.  If we aren’t able to give the other person our attention because we’re in the middle of something we can’t put down, we try to tell the other person kindly after a deep breath that we can talk when we’re finished.   We continue to fail miserably at times, but like I said before, it’s a practice.   

There are only positives when you add mindfulness in your life.  In a world where we are going a million miles an hour, constantly being bombarded by sounds and sights and multimedia in every instance of every moment, just stop.  Put your phone down, turn off your computer, turn off your TV  and sit in silence and breathe.  Just breathe.  Listen to the quiet, be aware of your surroundings and  be thankful and grateful for the beautiful life you have.  When you get in your car, take a moment and feel your physical surroundings.  Feel the seat under you, feel the steering wheel, and be aware of turning on the car.  When you talk to your wife, husband, children, take a moment, put down your phone, look them in the eye and listen to them as if they were the only people on  earth.  And if you live with a person with ADHD, whether they are your child or your spouse, take a moment, breathe in and be aware of what is happening at the moment with them and breathe out your most heartfelt intentions.     

Dedicated to my dear friend who gave me the inspiration for this poem, and to Ryan and my daughter who share the perseverance with the cedar tree.

It took Ryan three times to pass his written driver’s license test.  It took Ryan three times to pass the driving portion of his driver’s license test.  After each time that he failed, his downtrodden face would last for about thirty minutes, and then he was back to his normal happy go lucky self.  This is resilience..  The bouncing back, the ability to have a good attitude about the future  and  the ability to try again and again and again.  And to some degree, the ability to  forget the previous experience.  Ryan has this most profound quality.

So what is the actual definition of  resilience?  According to Google’s English dictionary provided by Oxford Languages, resilience is 1. the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness, and 2. the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

When someone is constantly bombarded from an early age with difficulties in life such as illness, educational and relationship issues,  it takes a toll on that person’s psyche.  Imagine for a moment if you will,  carrying a twenty pound bag with you everywhere you go.  You would have to work extra hard to accomplish what someone else accomplishes who isn’t carrying that extra weight.  How difficult would it be to bounce back after falling down again and again?  How does this person get back up, shake themselves off and “forget” about their previous failures?    

The weight in  question here is Ryan’s neurodivergence – his ADHD, his anxiety, his learning differences and his executive functioning disorder.  He has had to manage this his entire  life.  He has no idea what it’s like to live in a typical world.  This weight for Ryan makes life much more difficult and resilience is necessary for him to be successful in life.   

Resilience isn’t something that can be taught.  But it can be cultivated through a support system of parents, teachers, coaches, therapists, etc.  Being encouraging, looking for the positives and not focussing on the failures of the person involved.  I think back on all of the instances in Ryan’s life where we could have completely just given up; not sending Ryan to Westmark School, not pushing forward in scouting, not pushing forward in therapy, and certainly  giving up on his getting his driver’s license..  I think not giving up on these things  has given Ryan the support he has needed to keep going.  His ability to continue to struggle and pick himself up and go on,  is a testament to not only all of his supporters around him but to his innate ability to be resilient.  

I would be lying if I said that Ryan’s struggles don’t hit me hard on a semi daily basis. I understand how hard it is to be him.  At the same time, I find his joy in life so infectious.  I am constantly amazed at his abilities to find the good in his life, and at the resilience he has;  the ability to spring back over and over again like a rubber band is what makes Ryan who he is.  We should all learn from him.    

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” – Mark Twain

This past Sunday night at the Oscars when Chris Rock made a joke about how he was looking forward to seeing Jada Pinkett Smith in the next GI Jane movie, and then Will Smith coming onstage and slapping him was quite a shock.  And it brought to my mind immediately the saying “Know your audience.”  I’m not going to get into any discussion here about who was right or wrong, but I want to talk about how important that statement is, and how being aware of “knowing your audience” in my family is important. 

We are a family of humor, jokes, snarkiness and quick wit.   Oh, and the sarcasm! Sometimes to our benefit, but many times to our detriment.  Some of us are better equipped to handle these quick quips when they land and we laugh, take the joke, and the teasing and move on.  Other times the remarks don’t land well, and then the hurt feelings and/or misunderstanding results in some verbal outbursts.  Statements like, “that’s not funny”, or “that hurt my feelings”, or “I can’t believe you said that”,  and then the “Get over it, it was just a joke!”, or “Can’t you take a joke!”, or “Why are you making such a big deal over it?”   We also have the added layer of using our family’s humor on others outside of our family, many times just not thinking that they may just not get it.  Ouch, that can really hurt!

What makes this even harder, is when a family member such as Ryan, has auditory processing issues and   verbal language disorder.  It’s harder for him to understand the nuances and to pick up on verbal cues.  Sometimes he just has the inability to understand the joke/remark/statement at all. He can’t put it into context and the “joke” becomes an attack on him personally.     This has affected every aspect of his life, from making friends who don’t understand and then make fun of or tease him,  to adults who innocently tease him, to our own family who make “funny” remarks to him  without a second thought. 

 Teasing can easily turn into bullying when someone who is neurodivergent can’t quite grasp the meaning behind the teasing.  Outbursts then insue and the “perpetrator” gets attacked, most often verbally, but sometimes physically.  

Putting yourself in other people’s shoes, taking a moment before you speak, and knowing your audience is so very important.  Who are you speaking to?  Are they able to take a joke?  Where are they in their life’s journey?  How are they feeling today?  Is what you’re going to say offend, hurt or uplift?  It would be nice to be able to say whatever is on our minds to the people we love and care about the most, but this is the audience we need to know better than any other.  

My family has been trying to know our audience for over twenty two years, and we’re still learning.  (Well, if I’m being honest, some of us have been working on this a lot longer!)  Being mindful of our own idiosyncrasies  is a challenge we face on a daily basis. We have a difficult time not blurting out  

So take a moment, and know your audience before you say something you might regret.  

“It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.”

– Mark Twain

Ryan is able to spend hours working on a Legos project.  Ryan is able to spend hours playing video games.  Ryan is able to spend hours “studying” books on Star Wars,  Oh, those hours spent on those huge Star Wars books!   Ryan is able to spend hours on Pokemon.  How is this possible with ADHD?

According to Additude magazine, “ Hyperfocus, a common — but confusing — symptom of ADHD, is the ability to zero in intensely on an interesting project or activity for hours at a time. It is the opposite of distractibility, and it is common among both children and adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.”  

Ugh, why can’t the hyperfocus be on something like, say, schoolwork, or cleaning up a room or something else of import?  Well,  simply put, it’s just not interesting enough for the ADHD brain.  It’s not only frustrating for us parents who happen to be blessed with the neurodiverse child, but also for us adults who are like this or are married to someone like this.  And to make it worse, sometimes the hyperfocus is on something like a new hobby.  Where the ADHD person throws themselves completely into the hobby, buys everything associated with it and does nothing but that hobby for awhile – and then………the interest is lost, and they (me, we) move on to something else.  

This hyperfocus can take over a life.  Let’s say  – the ADHDer plays a game and then forgets to do an assignment, or misses class, or forgets to take care of other important matters in their life like doing laundry, or making the bed, or making dinner.  This can cause all kinds of upheaval.  Relationships can easily become strained, whether it’s a partner, spouse or child.  And it’s not only difficult for those who live with a person who has hyperfocus.  Imagine what it might be like  for the person who actually has it?  Guilt, embarrassment and justification for  their actions or lack thereof.  Imagine the hours lost for this person, when all of a sudden they realize that an entire day has gone by with nothing really to show for it.  

In this digital age, many of us find ourselves wasting time playing games, or binge watching shows, especially during the pandemic.  Hyperfocus though is a bit different.  Pulling an ADHDer away from their hyperfocus activity is difficult.  Their brain is locked in, and attempting to remove them from the activity is very difficult.  For Ryan, if we tried to get him to stop an activity without warning, he could have a meltdown.  We learned that being proactive in setting up time limits would help.  So, for instance, if he was going to start on a Legos project, we would discuss with him before he started how much time he was going to have to spend on it.  We would set a timer, and give him time warnings.  As he got older, he would set the timer himself.  Or, if it was on a weekend, we would write down his schedule in the morning, so that he could see when and how long he could play his video games or work on Legos.  We tried to leave interruptions to a minimum.  

It’s easier to manage this for a young person with ADHD when they have adults around them to help with time management.  Imagine being an adult with ADHD and having hyperfocus and the rabbit hole that one can go down.  Being aware of the hyperfocus and being proactive about your hyperfocus is key.  Figuring out what can work for you in managing yourself is important.  As I write this, I’m preaching to myself.  I myself  have this hyperfocus problem.  There are some days I ask myself what I did all day, and I find that I’ve spent hours on a project of little or no value other than it’s just fun.  And then I look at the mess of my bedroom, and it’s a mess and I’ve not cleaned it up, or I am late making dinner.   Goodness, I’m sixty and I’m still trying to work on these things!   

We moved to Oak Park,  a small unincorporated city of Ventura County in Southern California  two weeks after our daughter was born.  We specifically chose  this small bedroom community,  because it had one of the best public school districts in California.  My husband and I wanted our children to have a public school experience.  We had high expectations and everyone we had met who had sent their children to Oak Park schools, had a very positive experience.

Like most parents, my husband and I had no doubt our children would be “excellent students”.  We expected bright, funny and successful children, able to navigate their school years easily.  Well as you know, we were in for a shock. I look back on our ideas about child rearing and I roll my eyes and laugh.  And every time I hear new parents saying the same thing, I again roll my eyes (of course not in their presence) and say to myself, “Good luck!”  So, we were in for a rude awakening when our journey took a sharp left turn with Ryan.

 Ryan’s needs were met very well, although a little bumpy at the start,  through third grade.  His school support team was very capable and they had his best interest at heart.  We had his yearly IEP’s and the goals that were implemented were attainable. But by the middle of third grade, it was becoming more clear that we had reached a point in his education where the school was doing everything they could but Ryan was continuing to slide downward educationally  behind his classmates, and spending more and more time outside of the classroom in a special education classroom.   And all of his needs were not being met to the degree that we wanted or expected. 

IDEA (the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act), is a federal law that guarantees students with disabilities a free,  APPROPRIATE  public education.  I highlight appropriate because that is what it is.  Not the BEST, mind you, but appropriate.We became painfully aware that we needed to figure something else out for him. 

 Fortunately for us, a friend of ours had a friend whose child was at Westmark School, a school for students with language based learning differences at which  the Ryan would attend from fourth grade through twelfth grade.  The decision to move him was extremely difficult.  Although the school seemed perfect for him, the tuition was insane.  We had a decision to make.  We knew that the public school district would not want to pay for this school.  We would have probably had to take them to court to force them to pay, but we didn’t know what the outcome of that would be,  nor how the stress of a lawsuit would be on our family.  We decided to bite the bullet and pay for the private school out of pocket.   We knew that we would need to make sacrifices – financial and others to provide the best learning environment for Ryan.  

There are many options for finding the right school for your child other than traditional public school.  Specialty private schools like Westmark is one. (Note:  Most if not all specialty schools have financial assistance and/or scholarships, and with a diagnosis, you can deduct the tuition on your income taxes.)  Some traditional private schools may have services that may help your child as well as religious and parochial schools.  Although in my experience, not many do,  and you will need to continue to receive services from your local public school district.  But this may be a choice you may want to make if you want your child to have a religious school experience.  Just know that you will have to work very hard at getting services and may need to take your child back to your local public school after school hours for those services.   Charter schools are public schools, but you may also have an uphill battle getting the services needed for your child.  Finally, there is homeschooling.  I understand that some families feel that this is the best option after their child has had horrible experiences in public schools and/or their child is not accepted to a private/religious school.  Generally I am not a proponent of home schooling a neurodiverse child unless the parent is a special ed teacher themselves.  I’ve seen many home schooled children slide further behind educationally and socially.   This is not a judgment, just an opinion.  Every parent I know who has homeschooled their neurodiverse child,  struggles more than any other parent I know.    

It is so difficult to make life changing decisions when it comes to finding the right school for a neurodiverse child.  Sometimes it takes moving to another area so that you’re in a school district that is known for its great special education and support services.  Sometimes it takes a financial sacrifice.  Sometimes it takes both.  And it may take quite a while to figure out what is best for your child.  And that’s the bottom line. – finding what’s best.  And finding what’s best is almost always not the easiest in the short run.  But thinking about the long run is necessary. Thinking about your child’s future and giving them their best options for a successful life should be the goal.  

Researching all of the options, although exhausting, is one of the most important things you can do for your child.  You may think your choices are limited, but you still have choices.  If you or someone you know is struggling with a child’s school, I’m here.  I can talk to you about your options, or help you navigate the craziness of getting help.  But whatever you do, DON’T GIVE UP!      

is the question.  The answer, and decision is not so easy.  And just like any medical decision, there’s all kinds of options, and all kinds of research and all kinds of angst from any parent who has an ADHD child.   Let me say right from the get go here – each family is on its own journey.  Each family has to make decisions about what is right and best for them.  This little essay is about my family’s experience and the options that are out there.  It is not about what someone else should do, or a judgment of what others do.  

When Ryan was entering kindergarten, we were told that now that he was six, we could entertain the notion of medicating him.  From the start, we didn’t want to.  We had visions of him being a zombie with a flat affect.  We thought that this would be the easy way out, and more of helping us than helping Ryan.  But, after six months of school, it was becoming clear to us, his teachers, and his doctor that something needed to be done.  

I spent a lot of time researching the pros and cons of medicating, the different kinds of medications including side effects, and a lot of time talking to Ryan’s developmental pediatrician.   We decided to start him on something low dose and see how things went from there.  Somewhere I heard or read that “why wouldn’t you medicate your child for ADHD?  People with diabetes are treated with insulin.   It’s a medical condition, you should treat it as such. “  I was starting to understand how true that statement was. 

The change in Ryan was immediate.  Initially, the side effects were minimal.  Mainly his appetite wasn’t as robust.  Although it didn’t take care of all of his symptoms, he was able to focus better and sit a little bit longer.  And yes, it was easier for the other children and adults around him to manage him better as well.  Ryan did not fight us in taking his meds.  From the beginning, we told Ryan that the medication would help his brain slow down a bit so that he could sit longer and do activities longer.  He didn’t initially understand this, but eventually he did.  

Ryan has been on some form of medication for his ADHD since he was six and a half.  Over the years, we’ve tried just about every drug out there, at all kinds of dosages and mixing of different kinds to meet the needs of his growing mind and body.  Yes, he’s been a science experiment.  Yes, for a short time early on he was overmedicated.  Once Ryan could really verbalize how the medication was affecting him, we were able to truly figure out what meds were working best.  And we made a conscious effort to make sure that we were doing what was best for him.  The medicating became what was truly best for his brain and how he learned.  To slow down the overactive brain, so that he could manage his thoughts and actions.  To help him be as successful as possible.  

Over a few summers, we gave Ryan a “break” from taking his meds.  Many families do this.  The thought is to give the child a break from side effects and to see how “bad” the ADHD symptoms are.  And it can give an opportunity to try other more natural treatments without the use of the drugs.  On the flip side, the symptoms can become worse, and the parent will have to be more attentive.  And then when you start the meds again, it may take longer for them to start working again.  We found that after trying this, it just wasn’t a good idea.  Ryan had such a hard time managing himself and the rest of the family suffered as well, as you can only imagine…..

Along with medications, there are also nutritional supplements that can help.  In my experience they help  marginally.  Many parents decide just to use the supplements and not use traditional medications to use a more natural approach in treating ADHD.    But in our experience in giving Ryan these supplements, they only helped  just a little bit. We discovered that his diet played a big part in his behavior, primarily processed foods and in particular lunch meats and bacon made with nitrates, so we made a concerted effort in keeping him away from these.    And of course, keeping Ryan away from blue food dye.  (You can read about the blue icee incident in a previous post.) Ryan would even give me the blue M&M’s if he ever had any.  Many health professionals will poo poo any notion of the positive effects of diet and nutritional supplements for ADHD.  But I believe it’s worth a shot to try.  They’re not harmful and could possibly help.  We also gave Ryan melatonin to help him fall asleep at night.  This worked well for him.     I also know of parents who just give their children caffeine and pseudoephedrine which are mild stimulants and have similar but much less effect than stimulant medications.  

We have tried Ryan on just about everything.  We’ve used a mix of stimulant meds, non stimulant meds and just about all of the nutritional supplements out there.  Some meds worked better than others.  Some of the side effects were too bothersome.  Some didn’t seem to work at all.  One thing for sure, he still had and still has ADHD symptoms.  This is something that one needs to be prepared for.  It’s not complete magic.  Everyone’s chemistry is different.  

Stimulants are the first line of medications for someone who has ADHD.  I will not go into all of the names of them here.  A quick internet search will give you a list of all of the medications that are common in this class that are used in treating ADHD.  There are also non-stimulants  that are used to treat ADHD, and you can  also search for nutritional supplements.  Some of the supplements suggested are ginseng, ginkgo leaf,  DHA, fish oil, omega 3’s, evening primrose oil, zinc and melatonin for sleep.  

One important thing to note here is that ADHD medications are not typically prescribed by your regular pediatrician and you will be required to take your child to either a psychiatrist or a developmental pediatrician who are specialists in ADHD and medications.  If you are an adult with ADHD and are considering trying medication, you will also need to be seen by a psychiatrist.  

Will Ryan be on medication for his ADHD forever?  I don’t know.  As an adult, this is now up to him and his physician.  He won’t grow out of ADHD. His brain will be mature at around age 25 and he’ll see how things are going.  Of course it all depends on how he is learning to manage his brain and school and work.