This post needs to come with a warning.  I wrote it when I was in a difficult place.  I wrote it with anger.  I wrote it sobbing.  I know that I am not alone and it is an experience that many of my friends who have neurodivergent children have faced.  My purpose here is not to call anyone out.  My purpose is to bring a problem into the light that many parents with neurodivergent children have faced. You are not alone.  I also hope that if you find yourself on the flip side, that you might become more open to your children having friends who are not like them and you will be building compassion in them.  You will find that the neurodivergent are loving and caring individuals,  and make wonderful and loyal friends.  Eventually the neurodivergent child will realize that they aren’t wanted.  This has long lasting  consequences to their psyche.  

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM….

is this: You have good friends, maybe even great friends.  You get all the verbal support you need from them about your neurodivergent kid.  They know about your difficult journey.  They care about you and your family.  You spend a lot of time with them.  They have children the same age as your children.  Their children spend no time with your children.  Because, you know, their kids are typical.  The question is, why?  Not sure.  Maybe they’re just too uncomfortable?  Maybe they think your kid is too weird?  Maybe they’re lacking in compassion?  Maybe they want their kids to just have “normal” friends?  Maybe it takes too much effort? 

There is NOTHING more painful than this.  You spend hours in tears.  Hours wondering why?  Hours trying to figure out how to make it different.  Hours trying to figure out a way to talk to them about it, trying to call them out with love, but knowing that if you do, your friendship will be over..  

This is where I find my bitterness dwelling inside me.  This is where I just want to scream from the rooftops,   “PLEASE accept my kid for who they are.  PLEASE help your own child befriend my child and be compassionate.  Can you not see that this is happening?   Do you not see how hurtful this is  when your child spends time with another friends’ child and leaves  mine out?    I don’t think you do.  I don’t think you have a clue, or maybe you do.”

I don’t know how to let this go.  I’ve been trying to for years.  It still comes up.  It still happens.  At times it doesn’t bother me and other times it just about kills me.  I know that I am not alone in feeling and experiencing this, but it doesn’t make it less painful. And I know there are many other families that go through this with their neurodiverse child.   It is another cross that we have to bear.    But this needed to be said….it is the elephant in the room. 

At an early age, Ryan had an affinity to animals, not unlike his affinity to water.  As a family, we have always had dogs as pets, so right from birth, Ryan has always had an animal that he has lived with.  As soon as he was old enough, we put him on a horse.  As soon as he was old enough, he volunteered at a horse rescue. And as a family we spent one Christmas at Best Friend’s Animal Sanctuary in Utah, helping out with taking care of the dogs, rabbits and birds there.  You could say that Ryan was born into a family of animal lovers.  But what animals have done for Ryan is different from what animals do for a neurotypical.  

First, having a pet has provided two special things for Ryan.  It has taught him how to be responsible and care for another being, (important for any child),  and the more important of the two, having a positive emotional and mental effect.  When Ryan needs a calming, emotional time out, his dog has always been there for him to cuddle with, and to give him unconditional love .  The dog can also send Ryan a message when he is yelling as his dog will run from the room.  It clearly upsets the dog, which in turn upsets Ryan. Ryan  quickly is able to check his behavior by being aware of the dog’s behavior.  For Ryan, the dogs and other pets in his life have helped him manage his emotional dysregulation.  

There seems to be a special connection between neurodivergent children whether they are on the autism spectrum or have ADHD.  It’s almost as if they can communicate in ways that the rest of us are unable to.  Whether the animal intuitively understands the person, or if the person intuitively understands the animal, or both, it’s quite remarkable and somewhat miraculous to be in the presence of this exchange.  The extreme calmness by the animal and human is beautiful.  I guess tte wiring of the neurodivergent brain just seems to have that perfect code.  

I’ve seen this in action with Ryan especially when he has spent time with horses.  As a family we were fortunate enough to be involved with a horse rescue for over ten years.  Both Ryan and his sister have a special connection there, and we spent almost every Saturday there until Ryan graduated high school.  So often, if Ryan had a difficult week, that visit to the rescue was a lifesaver.  Many of these horses had been abused and were going through rehab and were unrideable.    For Ryan, this meant that he could spend time talking to them, hugging them, brushing them and of course mucking – always the “fun” part of  spending time with horses!  This activity always had a calming and recentering effect on him.  

Other than dogs and horses, Ryan also likes cats, even though we can’t have them in our house due to his dad having allergies, So he visits our friends house where he can get his fill of their four cats.  We have also had a rabbit, who was Ryan’s sister’s personal pet named, Meeko, and Ryan’s personal pet, a leopard gecko who went by the name of Thorin (from the Hobbit).   Although he couldn’t really “play” with Thorin, he did play with Meeko who would play fetch as well as sit in Ryan’s lap for a good petting.  

It’s well documented that animals provide emotional support for many who have anxiety and other mental health issues.  It provides the same support for those who have ADHD and/or on the autism spectrum.  Not unlike a fidget toy (I know it’s an odd comparison, but stay with me,) having a pet to stroke and play with while needing to focus on a difficult task can calm the numerous messages that the brain is sending.  

When Ryan is away at school, he misses his dog horribly, but he is always looking for dogs when he is out and about, so that he can get some dog time.   I understand that he is looking forward to the day when he can get his own. When that day arrives, the dog will be lucky to have Ryan, and Ryan will be lucky to have the dog.  

For those of you who may be on the fence of whether to get a pet for yourself or for your family, I can’t recommend it enough.  And always, always consider a rescue and adoption. There are so many animals out there that need your love.  And there are so many animals out there that will give you love.  Rescue them and they’ll rescue you. A special thank you to our family’s dogs – Jasmine and Tiberias

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.- Mark Twain, a Biography If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.- Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar- Mark Twain The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s.- Letter to William D. Howells, 2 April 1899 from Mark Twain

Summer 2022 update.  Ryan is far from home this summer.  In remote islands off of the British Columbia Coast called Haida Gwaii, where he is volunteering at a fishing lodge and earning credits towards his degree, Ryan is 2,700 miles from home.  

Haida Gwaii is home to the Haida, a Canadian First Nation, and is a stunning and lush  landscape of forests, beaches, bald eagles, black bear, deer and other land animals as well as world class fishing for salmon, halibut, lingcod  and crab.  

This is Ryan’s fifth time visiting Haida Gwaii, his first time being when he was only nine years old.  In many respects you can say that he grew up there.  The lodge we have always visited has become a home away from home as we have become friends with the lodge owner.   Ryan even did his high school senior year capstone project on the islands, proving to us, his family how meaningful this magical place has become to him.  

But what does this do for his ADHD, anxiety and other differences, when he is far removed from his family and needs to rely on himself more now than ever?  It’s not unlike being away at camp, or being out of state for college, but because it’s remote, he is unable to get home quickly or to get to a larger city for entertainment or shopping.  If he left something at home, it’s too bad.  He’ll just have to live without it for the next ten weeks.  Bottom line, he has to learn how to rely on himself,  to figure things out by himself when his parents, or friends, professors or coach isn’t physically there with him.  Fortunately, Ryan has the lodge owner Valerie to support him if he needs it.    There is also internet service , although sometimes spotty, so he can do his schoolwork and be in touch with his friends, family, his instructor and his coach. 

Ryan is learning everything that has to do with lodge life.  Everything from the kitchen, to how the scheduling of the fishing boats, to who is on each boat, to guest services, to how the fish is processed, to sightseeing,  to the daily ins and outs of lodge life.  He gets to live among the fishing guides and the other employees of the lodge.  He gets to work on his social skills with the guests.  And we can’t forget living close to the bald eagles whom he gets to listen to chattering and watching their beautiful flight.  And maybe most important of all, he gets to live next to the water where he finds so much peace. 

The joy we hear in Ryan’s voice when he calls  is something I find peace in.  I am so happy for him and thrilled that he gets to have an experience like this.  I thank Valerie, the lodge owner.  I thank his school for allowing him to use this time to earn those precious credits toward his major.  I thank God that his dad and I were able to give Ryan the gift of going to Haida Gwaii at an early age, to fish and learn about this wonderful place.  Finally, I’m very excited that we get to go visit him in less than a month.  

Ryan may be far from his home base, but he has found another home in Haida Gwaii.  

If you want to learn more about Haida Gwaii, please visit: 

https://www.hellobc.com/places-to-go/haida-gwaii/

Learn about the Haida people:    http://www.ccthita.org/about/history/

And to our Canadian friends, Happy Canada Day, July 1st!

Here’s my advice.  Send your neurodivergent kid to camp.  The end.

I could end it there, But I won’t.  

Ryan’s first experience at sleepaway summer camp came when he was eleven and in his first year of Boy Scouts.  We were all so very excited for him, and very much for us, his family. 

Before Ryan became a boy scout, we did not send him to sleepaway camp for two reasons.  One, we felt that his ADHD would be too difficult for the camp to manage him and second, we felt that the cost outweighed the benefit.  I look back on the decisions we made at the time and still feel that we made the right decision.  I believe that camp would have not just been difficult on him, but it would have been difficult for his counselors and other campmates.   But at eleven years old, Ryan understood who he was, was able to verbalize his needs, and the camp experience would teach him how to become self sufficient and self regulated.  This doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a lot of angst before he went.

This summer, like last summer, I have the privilege to work at a camp as a camp nurse.  This week, I’m at the camp reviewing camper forms, reading about each of the campers and discovering all of their unique needs physically, mentally and emotionally.  The notes from the parents about their children many times puts me into fits of laughter.  Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t me being mean, it’s me seeing myself on the page.  All the worry and angst and neuroses of the parents all believing that their  child has all of these needs and issues and they  need this, and they needs that, and please help them with this, or give them that, reminds me of myself and how very scared I was to send Ryan to camp.  And then I think, well this kid really needs to get away from home.  They need a break from their parents and their parents need a break from them.  And how awesome a time these kids are going to have.

Most of the time, the camper thrives, makes friends, has a good time, and most of the concerns of the parents,  just goes out the window.  They grow, learn about themselves and discover that yes, they can be on their own without mom, dad, or guardian watching them every second of the day.  

And it’s just as good for the parents as it is for the camper.   Respite is needed when you have a neurodivergent child.  For the first few days, it can be brutal being away from your child.  I almost made myself sick the first few times Ryan went away.  But you know what?  I got through it and after a day or two, I hadn’t heard from camp and truly realized that no news is good news.  I wasn’t going to get a call from anyone unless there was a problem.  

The experience of going to camp without a parent watching every single thing that their child does is so freeing for the camper.  And it shows them that yes, they will be fine without their parents.  That yes, they can take their meds away from home, yes, they can sleep just fine, and yes they can participate in everything that the camp has to offer.  Many sleep away camps have counselors, staff and medical staff  that learn about  their campers before they come, and may even have a zoom meeting with the parents of the camper before they come so they make sure that they really understand who the camper is.  For Ryan, boy scout camp was a bit different as his “counselors” were Assistant Scoutmasters from his troop and already knew Ryan well.  They were the ones who helped Ryan learn how to manage himself and gave him his medications every day.  They were available for him if he needed extra help in understanding the activities of the day and the schedule.  

Not once did I get a phone call from camp.  Ryan did come home with all kinds of things missing from his duffel bag.  Just like any kid.  But every time he went to camp and came home, he was literally a “happy camper”.  He always had a good time,  He always wanted to go back, even if he had trouble falling asleep at night, or didn’t get enough sleep.  (That is just truly a given.  Noone ever gets enough sleep at camp!)  

Here’s a word about affordability.  Many camps are just out of financial range for many families.  Boy Scout and Girl Scout camps are fairly affordable but there are scholarships available for those scouts whose families aren’t able to afford it, and there’s opportunity during the year for scouts to earn funds toward camp.  Many religious and church camps are very expensive, but also have scholarships available and many times there are ways to raise funds earlier in the year by the camper as well.  It can be a bit shocking at how much camp costs, but there are ways to help.    

There’s nothing like having an incredible summer camp experience.  And there’s no reason why a neurodivergent child can’t experience it like a neurotypical kid.   A bit of planning ahead of time did us well.  And the first time he went I was a wreck.  But like I said, we got no phone calls while he was gone.  And Ryan liked camp so much that he worked at a camp last summer.  There’s simply nothing better than going to sleep away summer camp and getting that mountain high.  I remember it, do you?  Give your child that same experience.  It will stay with them for a lifetime.  

With Father’s Day approaching, it seemed like a good time for another guest blog by Ryan’s dad, so here goes:

One of the challenges with raising Ryan as a father was finding activities that we could do together as father and son.  Sports was one thing that we tried, as I love playing and watching, so I figured this would be a good thing to try.  When Ryan was in elementary school, he tried playing basketball as we had a hoop in our driveway for him to practice and play, but it just didn’t hold his attention.  He and I still go out on occasion to play,  but it’s not something that he really enjoys even though I very much enjoy it.

Watching sports was something completely different.  We watched some football and basketball on tv, but the real fun was in going to games in person.  We went to quite a few college football games, and I think it was the spectacle and the food as much as anything that kept his interest.  The same thing with the few baseball games that we went to together or as a family.  I don’t think Ryan was always able to follow the game very well, but that didn’t  matter.  As he got older, we were able to get to several hockey games together, and those were a lot of fun.  The constant action and excitement of live hockey was great for Ryan.  We really shared some fun times at those games and have some great memories rooting for our teams. 

Other activities that we tried early on revolved around camping, and that was something that Ryan ended up really enjoying.  Being in the outdoors with the ability to wander and explore helped Ryan find a niche, and I think that is why Boy Scouts was a great fit for him.  Scouting was certainly one area where we bonded and had many great experiences together, as I became an Assistant Scoutmaster in Ryan’s troop.  We went on many outings and camping trips together, but on those trips, I also made sure to leave him on his own, to enjoy those adventures with his fellow scouts and focus on scouting and not me.  And Ryan attended many more outings without me for that very reason.  Overall, I really enjoyed either spending time with him or simply watching him be happy and having fun.

Ryan and I really enjoyed, and still enjoy being outdoors in nature together.  Hiking and exploring is something that works well for him because his mind is always going fast. and being outdoors there is so much to see and experience, question, and understand.  We are fortunate to live in a neighborhood where there is much to see in nature, as a creek runs by our house and there are many walking and hiking trails in our area.  It is funny, as sometimes Ryan will resist a walk or hike, wherever it might be, as there are video games to be played and shows to be watched.  But as soon as we start our adventure, Ryan seems to forget about all of that, and he becomes immersed in the activity.

Fishing is another activity that Ryan and I really enjoy doing together.  I grew up learning to fish from my father, and I really wanted to pass that on to Ryan.  So it was great that Ryan hasn’t fallen far from the tree.   We have gone lake and ocean fishing together many times on camping trips, scouting trips, and family trips and have gone numerous times to  our favorite fishing lodge in Canada where Ryan will be volunteering this summer.  And of course, we were fortunate to have several outings together with my father;  trout fishing in the Sierras and salmon fishing in Canada.  Those were really special times to be able to share with my father and son together, and my dad really treasured those outings and fishing trips.

           Ryan and I also bond over music and movies.  Over the years, Ryan has developed a deep interest in the music that I grew up listening to – classic rock of the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, and even some modern rock bands and artists. We have had some great discussions over the years about rock music, and he has great appreciation for it, to the point where he has now taken three college classes on music.  We are now constantly sharing songs and artists with each other.  Our movie interests are also similar, with the most recent seeing of the new Top Gun movie together.  We have also found that watching other series of movies together like The Lord of the Rings or action movies really has helped us bond.  And the discussions following the movies are always entertaining with him.  You never know what his take might be on a scene or movie but guaranteed- it will be interesting. 

With Father’s Day coming up, it’s great to have areas of interest that we can share together, enjoy, and bond through.  Life with Ryan is not easy, but those activities and points of interest that we can share make all the difference in the world.  They have given us great moments and memories, and much to look forward to enjoying together.                                           

So, to all the dads out there, Happy Father’s Day.  Being a good father is a lot of work, and with a child who presents significant challenges, the workload can increase vastly.  But if you can find those things that you can do and enjoy together, to develop great memories and motivation for future times together, it will all be worthwhile.  

“Good fathers not only tell us how to live, they show us.”

— Mark Twain

      Now that it’s summer, I can’t help but think about Ryan and his love of water.  I was speaking with some friends the other day and they were mentioning that when they took road trips with their kids, they always tried to stay at a place that had a pool.  I think this is probably true for many families with small children.  The need to get the yah yahs out after a long car ride was and is so necessary.  But our experience with Ryan and his ADHD and sensory issues was at a different level.   Here I talk about our experience and how water and swimming became the great equalizer.  

“Ryan, wait!  Ryan, wait!  Ryan,  waaaaaaaaiiiiiittttt!”  I screamed as Ryan ran through the house, through the open sliding door, and straight into the pool.  As a large gathering of family members stood in shock, my husband followed Ryan, fully dressed,  into the pool after him. Ryan was almost three and hadn’t yet  learned to swim.  What an entrance to a party!  

  As a child, Ryan always had a strong love for water..  It was as if an invisible string pulled him along towards any body of water.  Whether it was a bath, a swimming pool, a lake or the ocean.  He loved that blue,  liquid  stuff.  And getting him out of it once he was in was always a difficult endeavor.   It was something we discovered early on, that water for Ryan gave him the sensory input his brain and body needed to manage the constant deluge of information. 

As soon as the weather  turned warm enough, we were either at our friends’ pools  or the local swim club and even prompted us to get a social membership at the local country club, so we could have access to a pool whenever we wanted, and needed.    

Once Ryan learned how to swim, he would get into the pool, not by jumping in or slowly wading in, it was a full body stretch out belly flop, that was just  hysterical.  It was his way of diving, which by the way, he never did master.  Why dive in with your head first, when you could make full body contact by belly flopping?  It made no sense to him.  Everytime he did this, we would just cringe in pain.  For him, it was nothing but pure joy.  And then for hours he would be constantly moving in the pool.  No sitting, no walking, just moving from one side of the pool to the other.  And then getting out of the pool and belly flopping again and again.  It was so wonderful to watch him.    

It was always difficult to extricate Ryan from the pool.  Once we were finally able to convince him to get out,  get him dressed, get him a snack and go home, it was exhaustion time.  Not just for us …..which it was …..but mainly him.  As I have mentioned before, Ryan had  two speeds: On or Off.  Well, he turned off after swimming.  It was like all of his energy and ADHD wiring just stopped,  and the rest and sleep,  blissfully came.  So often he would fall asleep on the car ride home.  And then once home, we’d have to wake him, get him in the bath or shower, and then have quiet time for the rest of the afternoon and evening.  It was better than any medication we could have given him.  

Summer family vacations almost always would revolve around water.  If we were going to stay at a hotel or resort, there had to be a pool.  If we were camping somewhere, there would have to be a lake.  If we were visiting friends or family members somewhere, we would have to have access to a body of water nearby.   And of course after a dat of traveling, one of the first things we would do was unpack our things and head for the pool.  

One of my fondest memories of Ryan’s water need was when we would meet our friends in Anaheim for our yearly Disneyland trip,  check in to the hotel on a Saturday afternoon, and then immediately head for the pool.  (This was in November  mind you.  .  If there was pool access, Ryan was in it, no matter the temperature or weather.)   

I asked Ryan’s sister what she remembered about Ryan and the water phenomena.  Her response was “We could never get him out! And then she paused and said, “You know,  we always got along best when the two of us were in the water together.”    When I asked Ryan, he laughed and said, “I have always felt at one with the water.  Still do.”  He continued, “being on the water  is almost as good as being in it. And when I’m in the water, I still don’t want to get out.  

That really hit me.  Water is still  the calming and equalizing presence in his life.   It was the tool that helped him calm his body and mind.  I think this is also true for so many other children whether they’re neurodivergent or not.  But in Ryan’s case, it was and continues to be a Godsend. 

I remember watching Ryan as a toddler  trying to fit a star shaped block into a square shaped hole in a shape sorting box.  No matter how hard he tried to get it to fit and go in, it just wouldn’t.   And he increasingly became frustrated.  Now, imagine trying to fit Ryan in a public school and the educational box that is used to place every student?  Hmm, well, you know how they went.  Ryan has never lived inside of the box.  Not in school, not in friendships, not in all of the activities he has ever been involved in.  His brain doesn’t allow it.  So, how does he become successful in a world that many times if not always  continues to try and force him inside it?  Imagine the frustration, the anger, the hurt, the guilt, the continued message of “You aren’t good enough.”  “You aren’t smart enough.”  “You aren’t_________, you aren’t_________, you aren’t____(fill in the blank).   

When you are placed inside the  box and able to live inside the box,  everything is planned out for you.  In school, you’re taught how to spell, how to write, how to learn math in a model way of learning.  It’s relatively easy for a typical learner to learn how to succeed.  Same goes for social norms.  Inside the box, friendships are easy to make and maintain.  But if you don’t fit inside the box, you get tossed just like Ryan tossed those star shapes away.

We learned early on that Ryan wasn’t going to fit inside the box.  It came as a big surprise at the time,  and brought disappointment and sadness, not just for him but for me.  With the onset of testing him for ADHD, learning and auditory disabilities, it was like a big slap in the face.  And then the realization that Ryan would never be able to learn like typical children was very difficult to digest.  But with time,  and acceptance  and then embracing it all, I have been able to realize that living outside of the box is a blessing.  A nontypical blessing, but a blessing nonetheless.       

Living outside of the box makes for a difficult life.  At the same time, it is a wondrous life.  Because you see the world so differently,  you develop the ability to discover brilliantly unique ways to learn and discover.  This is how we explained to Ryan how his brain was different from everyone elses.    And he has been learning and leaving outside of the box and beside the box.

 How does someone who is neurodivergent live outside and beside the box  successfully?  Early testing, diagnosis and intervention.  Knocking down doors, not giving up, self advocacy, parent advocacy.  Never giving up, always on it, consistency. Finding the right school.  Therapy, medication, tutors.   Resiliency, patience, honesty, Love, patience, hope, faith,  

   I’ve seen time and time again, how Ryan uses his outside of the box thinking to manage his life.  I think that he is so used to things not working “normally” that his ability to think about other ways of accomplishing something has just become a normal everyday occurrence.  I’ve had numerous conversations with him about a challenge – whether it’s as difficult as managing a busy summer schedule, studying for finals,  or as simple as getting together with a friend.  If he says “No, it’s not going to work”, then I just ask him to think of other ways that are options.  He always rises to that challenge, many times coming up with an idea that I never would have thought of myself.  

For Ryan, life will always be a challenge in a world of boxes that he doesn’t fit in.  But I think that the world outside of the box is so much more interesting.  Afterall, who wants to live inside a box like everyone else?  It can be awfully boring staring at those four walls day after day….    Come to think of it – why don’t we just blow up the box?  Who created that box anyways?  We are all unique and I challenge you to be you in all of your glory.  Make a change and get rid of the way we pigeonhole each other.  Yeehaw, let’s go!

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles – by the ears, by the heels, or any other way, so you can manage it; it’s the healthiest thing a body can do.” 

–The American Claimant

Mark Twain

Fishing

Camping

Canada

Passover seders

Hollywood Bowl

Canter’s Deli

Weekend sleepovers

Palm Springs

Israel

Philanthropy

Palm Springs Air Museum

Rosh Hashanah lunches

Love

Cookies

Cookies

Cookies…….

    and cookies!

When Ryan’s Grandma Sherry comes to mind, the above list of memories, activities  and characteristics  flood the brain.  And it is really only a small portion of  the  “gifts” that Ryan has received from her.  She is so much more than this list, but that list I think is the most remarkable..  

The richness of Life with Ryan as it relates to his paternal grandmother is hard to write in a small posting such as this.  But I will try as hard as I can to put in a nutshell the effect that she has had on Ryan.  

Grandma Sherry’s effect on Ryan can be shown:

– In her unwavering love and devotion to understanding and supporting Ryan in all of his endeavors.  All of the experiences listed above are not empty “things”.  They all comprise an entire and full process.  They are all to teach and show underlying meanings and lessons. 

– In camping and fishing, Grandma Sherry has taught Ryan to appreciate and love the outdoors;  the art of making a perfect cast when fishing (And boy can she cast a line!)  and the patience it takes to wait for that bite on the hook.  Then, the physical work and skill of reeling in the fish, whether big or small, can take a lot of effort, even sometimes needing help from others around you.   The practicing, the patience, the care, the learning, the asking for help  in becoming a good fisherperson,  also applies to life skills.  (That’s really not a hard connection to make.)  

– In travel, Grandma Sherry has shared  her love of exploring the world and learning about other cultures.  That the big wide world is there for us to see, enjoy, and discover.  The trips taken with Grandma Sherry to  Canada and Israel allowed Ryan to learn from his grandmother about past experiences, special and unique places to see and the history of the land.   

-In Rosh Hashanah, Passover Seders and Hanukkah.   The joy and teaching of Ryan’s Jewish identity.  L’dor v’dor (from generation to generation) has taken precedence in how Grandma Sherry has passed down to Ryan the importance of celebrating and honoring his Jewish faith, identity, peoplehood, culture and of course the FOOD!

     – In  sharing cultural and arts experiences, Ryan has learned from his grandmother to appreciate and learn about the beautiful gifts of  music. Art, science and history.  

           – In special weekend sleepovers, when Ryan’s dad and I would go away.  These weekends were always special.  Breakfasts that would always include lots of bacon.  Going to the movies.  Going to a play, a musical or a museum.  And the first time going to Canter’s Deli – the best Jewish deli in Los Angeles!

– In his grandmother’s philanthropy, Ryan has learned by his grandmother’s example how important it is to give back to the community,  and to help others who are less fortunate and to help others whenever needed.  That it doesn’t matter what you have or if you are different, there is something that you can and should do.   Ryan has learned how to be compassionate and generous by directly experiencing Grandma Sherry’s open heart.  

Ryan’s grandmother has been unwavering in her support in every aspect of Ryan’s life.  She questions when she doesn’t understand what Ryan may be going through.  At the same time, she has high expectations of Ryan just as she does all of her grandchildren.  Ryan knows this well.  But her expectations are within the framework of who Ryan is and his abilities.  She expects him to work hard, and be the best that he can be. 

Oh, wait,  I’ve forgotten the cookies. Which is really leaving the best for last!   Grandma Sherry’s cookies are just divine. Maybe this is the biggest effect of all!  These cookies are baked and sent with love  no matter where Ryan or any of Grandma’s  other grandchildren might be.   There’s nothing better than receiving that special gift in the mail.  Maybe  everything that I’ve listed above can all just be  wrapped up in a small round chocolate chip cookie baked by Grandma Sherry!  It’s Love. Pure and simple.

  (Side note:  No, sorry, you cannot have Grandma Sherry’s recipe for her chocolate chip cookies, or her S cookies, or her icebox cookies, or her lemon cookies!!)  

(Side, side note:  The picture above is of Ryan and Grandma Sherry on Ryan’s first fishing trip to Haida Gwaii, Canada.  We are going back there again this summer where Ryan will have the opportunity to fish again with his grandmother.  I’m sure she will catch the biggest fish on the boat…).

1.  Use mind games.  
2. Bribery
3. Act like they’re hurting your feelings.  (See #1)
4. Use carrots. (See #2)
5. Punishment if they don’t
6. Act angry (See #1)
7. Promise them a reward.  (Again see #2)
8. Make all decisions for them.  Also known as helicoptering.
9. Pile on guilt  (Again see #1)
10. You can’t,  so you give up.
11.  Although you can  just wash, rinse and repeat numbers 1 and 2.   
12. Pray to whatever higher being you believe in, 
13. Good, calm  communication.

A conversation with Ryan goes something like this:

Ryan:  “I’m tired and have a headache today, so I’m not going to: Go to class/go to the gym/go to study hour etc.

Me: “Have you taken Tylenol?”

Ryan:  “No.”

Me:  “Don’t you think you can take some Tylenol and then go to … (name the activity)?”

Ryan:  (Sigh)  “ Mom, I’ve got this.  Why did I even tell you?”

Me:  “Well, if you tell me something, I’m going to respond and tell you what I think you should do. (Meaning: What I want him to do).  So maybe you’re right.  There are some things maybe you shouldn’t tell me.  However, missing a class or study hour will just put you behind.  Do you really want to do that? “  (And at this point I might even go further and make other points and give more advice and tell Ryan what he should do, until there’s some kind of further verbal explosion on the other end of the line. 

Whether your kid is neurodivergent or not, most parents have had similar conversations like the above.  And although the above example is not much of a game changer in life,  they can add up.  And how many of us have a really hard time backing off our children, and learning how to allow them to make decisions that we “believe” aren’t the best?  

It’s an extremely fine line with a neurodivergent child when you want them to do what you want them to do because you know best  vs. allowing them to make their own decisions.  When they’re younger and they live completely under your thumb, you have the responsibility to have them do everything you want them to do.  Still extraordinarily difficult.  And you’ll need to work on skills with your special kid to manage home and school life.   But as your child grows, becomes a teenager, and wants to and needs to start making decisions on their own, it becomes a real power struggle.  And neurodivergent kids have more difficulty in making the best decisions because they don’t have all of the tools in their brain.  Many times they just don’t have the ability to see the bigger picture or the ability to organize all of the numerous pros and cons that are needed to make the most “educated” decision.    

As parents, we see things so much clearly and often know what’s best, so we work really hard at getting our neurodivergent  kid to do what we want them to do.  Guaranteed,  you will use all the techniques listed at the top, if you have a child with ADHD.  And take it from someone who knows, I’ve used them all, and none of them work in the long run except number 12.    (Although I also recommend number 11 for your own peace of mind).  To start, you have to take off your mommy or daddy hat, and put on the adult hat.  Telling doesn’t work.  Pleading doesn’t work.  Guilt doesn’t work.  Arguing doesn’t work.  Yelling certainly doesn’t work.  So what can work?

Having a sit down, adult to adult, (or teenager) respectful conversation is a great way to begin.  (I’m preaching to myself here by the way.  I easily slip back into the parent- you need to do as I say role)  Talk about the issue.  Allow your child to speak their mind, and say what they want.  Ask them what the pros and cons are of the decision they want to make.  And then explain the same from your point of view.  Obviously if it’s a dangerous decision and they’re still living under your roof and/or you financially support them, you still have the final say.  But that can even be communicated respectfully.  These conversations again are difficult for neurotypicals, but are much  more difficult for the non neurotypical.  For Ryan, his brain works differently and he can’t always process all the nuances of a decision.  This takes extra care on our part to communicate as clearly as possible and to give Ryan time to think through everything.  Sometimes it takes a few minutes for him to come to a conclusion, and sometimes it can take up to a week or two for him to work his way through everything and come up with a decision.  The point here is to be patient.  I’ve learned that pushing him has a deleterious effect.  I continue to work on allowing him to make  decisions without jumping in and trying to save the day at every turn. 

 Eventually, I will have to give up working on getting Ryan to do what I want him to do.  I’ll need to learn to keep my mouth shut.  I’ll need to learn to ask him if I can give him advice.  Hmmm, maybe I’ll get there when he’s 30, 40 or 50……..I’m working on it.

“You can’t depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus.” -Mark Twain

“FIrst things first.”  I love this statement.  It’s something that Ryan’s education therapist started using with him when he was in high school and specifically when it had to do with school work.  She would use it with him on his homework.  She would use it with him when he had to do a school project.  And she would use this with him when he would need to study for tests and finals.  It has become such an invaluable saying, that we use it for just about every aspect in  Ryan’s life when he has a task to complete.  And I don’t just use it for Ryan, but for me too.  I was even talking to a friend the other day, and she used the term.  And I shared with her how much I use that term with Ryan and myself.  

The statement is pretty simple.  It makes one stop and think about what should be done first when faced with an overwhelming project, or if you’re like me, a much simpler project such as cleaning out a closet.  Or like Ryan, cleaning a bedroom or doing homework.  So often, we either  plow straight ahead into something without stopping and thinking about how and in what order things should be done., or so overwhelmed by the task,  we just stand there frozen.  

For Ryan, we also started using “First thing’s first” for other tasks in his life other than school work.  Most Saturday mornings after breakfast, we would sit down, and write out the to-do list for the weekend for his schoolwork, activities and chores he would have.   We would rank them and put in time frames and build in breaktimes and end times.  He would cross things out as the day progressed.  It would keep things straight in his mind.  If he wanted to change things up, we would cross things out and add those things back in somewhere else.  This helped him keep his brain in order as well and kept the frustration at bay.  There’s something so freeing for the brain when it doesn’t have to think of what to do next when there’s a million things to do.  

As Ryan got used to using the saying, and it became a bit more ingrained in his brain, we started helping Ryan use the tool to help him in more mundane tasks that could easily overwhelm him.  Tasks such as cleaning his room would always stump him, and on his own would rarely if ever get started on his own without help.   The overwhelming vision of his messy room would stop him in his tracks. We would often see his frustration grow and we would ask him to stop and  take a deep breath, and then say “OK Ryan, first thing’s first.”  This would help him reset his brain, and then we could ask the question. “What do you want to start with first?  Pick up and put away your clothes, or pick up your toys?  Sometimes, he couldn’t get that decision made, so then we would offer direction and say, OK, pick up and put away your clothes first.  And then, we would move on to another task, giving clear directions.  

For an ADHD brain, where there’s just so much going on, breaking tasks down to easy step by step tasks can keep that brain on track.  Too many times, if the task is daunting, there can be a complete shutdown.  A feeling of complete overwhelmingness can lead to nothing getting done, awful frustration and then feeling bad about it and guilt, and then sometimes even lying about it.   We have seen this happen over and over again in Ryan.    

I struggle with the same “syndrome” of being overwhelmed by tasks.  I can stand in front of a cabinet to clean and feel so overwhelmed with where to start, that sometimes I just shut the door and leave it alone.  At one point I even looked at my husband and said, “Help me, I don’t know where to start.”  This brings up another point.  Asking for help.  It can be embarrassing to ask for help with something that may seem so simple.  But, if you struggle with  or have a child that struggles with ADHD and getting tasks done, I encourage you to ask for help.  It doesn’t make you weak, and it can help you become more successful in your life.  And  talk to your child  who struggles and explain it to them that they can ask for help.  It doesn’t make them dumb, or stupid or less than.  I have also learned  that one of the best ways for me to get things accomplished is by sitting at my desk every morning before I get to work and list out all of the things I need to do.  I’ll rank them and then cross them out as I get through them.  If I leave it to just randomness in my brain, chances are I’ll  forget some of those tasks.  It helps me to put the “first thing’s first”   mantra into practice.  

So what’s on your agenda today?  Lots of tasks?  A big project?  What is getting in your way of getting these started?   If you don’t know where to begin, just say aloud “First thing’s first!”  I can almost guarantee you’ll find a small task to start with.  Silly, I know, but it just might work!  Good luck!

“Plain question and plain answer make the shortest road out of most perplexities.”   

Life on the Mississippi (1883) by Mark Twain