Last week I began to talk about using strengths instead of weaknesses in managing ADHD, especially when the weaknesses seem to outweigh and overwhelm those with ADHD.  This morning when  I sat down to write, fully intending on writing more about strengths, I couldn’t get the idea of “the power of the pause” out of my head.  So if you’ll indulge me and be patient, I need to get this idea out first.

I’ve mentioned taking and using the  pause before,  specifically in the post about emotional dysregulation.  (“I’m not overreacting!”)  I believe that taking a pause can be one of the most singularly important things a person can do, especially an ADHDer.  It can and will make life better in every aspect of their life.  And not just  for themselves, but also for those who love them.  

I hear myself often jumping the gun to answer questions, provide explanations, offering ideas or opinions.  Or, before I know it, I have said something in the heat of the moment, that ends up coming out all wrong.  I have inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings.   And the worst of it,  is when I fly off the handle when I’m frustrated or angry at Ryan, his sister, or my husband. 

  Like me, Ryan has an issue with impulsivity, although it’s more pronounced.  It is a common trait in those with ADHD.  This impulsivity comes out in every way possible.  Physical, emotional, verbal, educational, decision making, etc.  It affects every aspect of his life.  As he’s gotten older, his impulsivity has changed, and he takes medications to help, but it’s still there, and  can still create a problem.   Living with this impulsivity and trying to control it is like being a Ferrari with bicycle brakes.   

This is where the pause comes into play.  And it’s a learned tool.  Many neurotypicals automatically and intrinsically use it.  (Some don’t and need to learn how to take the pause as well.  It’s not just an ADHD thing)  And taking the pause can be called other names like “putting on the brakes” or “taking a breath” or “stop and smell the roses”.  Or it can be used as a mindfulness tool, as in being present in the moment.  For Ryan and  me, I like using the saying, “take a pause”.  This so often stops me in my tracks.  Gives me the opportunity to take a breath, and think about what I want to say before I say it.  Or to think about the purchase I am about to make, or even stop to think about a task without diving headlong into it without thinking about the steps it will take to finish it.  I think it’s even helpful when I’m about to make a decision about a future endeavor and saying yes to it without thinking about all the pros and cons.

Taking a pause can help figure out how to pay attention to what we are paying attention to.    For me, taking a pause stops me in my tracks.  Helps me to listen to the person speaking to me.  Helps me to think about what I’m going to say in response.   Keeps me from trouble. Helps me to ask myself what my next course of action should be. Oh, and a big thing it helps with, is not sending an email or text right off the bat when my emotions are running high.  (That’s a big one!  See the Mark Twain quote below.)   Remembering to take the pause continues to elude me at times.  But as I try to practice it daily, I find that the idea is there in the back of my mind, just trying to come to the front.   

In learning the power of the pause, I hope to continue to help myself and help Ryan.  Afterall, we’re in this together.  

“A letter written in  a passion is a mistake…It usually wrongs two persons, and always wrongs one – yourself.”       – Mark Twain   

Society, especially here in the U.S.,  expects strength.  In our economy, in our education, in our political leaders and in our foreign policy.  But what happens when someone has been diagnosed with a “condition” that focuses on weaknesses?   ADHD is a perfect example.  Attention DEFICIT hyperactivity DISORDER.  And then the explanation and symptoms of ADHD are all weaknesses.  How is someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD supposed to manage a world where day after day they are told they have weaknesses that will cause them to not be successful, or that they will have to work extremely hard to get over them?  And that they need to work on those weaknesses to make them strengths so that they can compete with the rest of the typical human race?  

Imagine yourself in this scenario.  How would this make you feel?  Well,  I can think of a few things.  It might make you depressed, give you anxiety, make you want to give up, make you feel less than or that you can’t live up to others expectations.  It might cause you to stand out and be ridiculed or bullied.  You get pulled out of class so that you can be taught differently  what others easily learn.  You will probably be behind your classmates in social skills by a few years.  How are you supposed to fit into this world, when you have all these weaknesses that will prevent you from doing so?  

I say – flip it all on its head.  There’s a growing consensus in the   ADHD community that focusing on the strengths of an ADHDer versus weaknesses in managing ADHD will have much   better outcomes in all areas of a person’s life.  

For example, let’s take a look at one of Ryan’s weaknesses:  attention deficit.  He has trouble keeping focused on things, especially if they  hold little to no interest for him.     This can rear it’s ugly head when he has a paper to work on, or is in class and his mind wanders, or if he needs to clean his room.  He starts the class, or starts on a project, or starts cleaning his room.  He loses interest (attention), his mind wanders, and he then starts doing something else that pops into his head that provides more interest,  or he  just might check out.  So what do  do?  Do we yell at him, or remind him to get back on task?  No, because that just continues to bring focus on his weaknesses.  And in the short and the long run does absolutely nothing to help him.  That weakness will always be there.  So it’s best to find and develop the strengths that will help him be successful and bypass those weaknesses.  

It’s hard to find out what those strengths are.  Part of that is finding out the things or tools that have worked in the past to start and/or complete a task.  Taking small breaks, breaking up  the tasks into smaller tasks or using ideas that help with thinking outside of the box.  It’s very individual.  A strength for Ryan is his ability to think outside of the box.  So often, directions to doing a project doesn’t make sense to him, nor does it follow a workable progression in his mind.  And if it’s just important to get to the end result of the project, and doesn’t require the steps that are listed in that specific order,  then Ryan can come up with a different set of directions that works for him, that helps him stay interested, so that he can finish the project.  Mind you, this works for projects he has little interest in, but has to complete for whatever reason.  If he’s interested?  Well, he can and does follow the directions to a tee.    (Legos sets come to mind…..)  

ADHDers’ brain wiring is different and all have some issues with executive functioning.  Finding the strengths to overcome the weaknesses are where it’s at.  You just can’t make weaknesses into strengths.  It’s a wiring thing.  Work arounds are necessary and finding out those strengths and putting them into place will help tremendously.  Because honestly, those weaknesses will always be there.  Finding out those strengths and then using them to manage weaknesses by having others around you that are strong in your weaknesses can help so much.  This is where a coach can come into play.  A coach has helped Ryan with tools that help him become  more successful.  He’s learning what his strengths are and realizing that he needs tools and many times other people in his life to assist him.  It doesn’t always work out perfectly.  Things still fall through the cracks.  And Ryan and those in his life are still working at adjusting expectations, and goals and finding out his strengths and learning what tools work in different situations.   Sometimes some tools work  in one situation but don’t in another.   

Next post I will talk about character strengths  and learning modalities, and how those strengths and modalities  can help someone be more successful in school, work and any other endeavor that is being faced.  I’ll also talk about  how we’re exploring and discovering Ryan’s strengths and learning modalities.

“The perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy, is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambitions to our capacities, we will then be a happy and virtuous people.

–The Enemy Conquered; or, Love, Triumphant

Mark Twain  

The following is a repeat of a post from March 2020.  And I posted it right smack dab in the middle of the beginning of COVID 19 shutdowns.  I think about that time and realize that yes, humor did get us through that very dark period.  And it still gets us through today.  

I recently had our family of four take the VIA Character Strengths test as that is what I’m studying in my ADHD Coaching program right now.  And wouldn’t you know it – humor ranked somewhere in the top five for all  of us.  (It was number one for my husband, which if you know him, explains a lot!).  As I mention below, humor cleanses the soul and allows us to reset our internal narrative.    If you haven’t laughed recently, give it a try.  I guarantee that it will make you feel better.   

So we’re living in a different world.  Removed from society, stuck at home.  Everyday many of us wondering, is today the day I get it?  Is today the day one of our loved ones gets it?  For the first time in almost all of our lives, our individual freedom has been changed to protect others and ourselves. How do we keep ourselves from overwhelming anxiety and fear? How do we keep this to ourselves and not thrust it upon our loved ones?

Humor. Laughter. Find levity in living this new temporary life. Fear and anxiety feeds fear and anxiety. This is especially true of my life with Ryan. If I am out of my mind with fear and anxiety, so is Ryan. Ever since he was little this has been the case. Even in the normal everyday life our family has tried to find humor in just about everything we do. It’s much better than screaming, crying and watching endless news reports.

Laughter cleanses the soul in a way nothing else can. Crying can cleanse the soul, but it leaves you exhausted. Laughter has the opposite effect. It lifts you up and brings energy and joy.

My family already has made humor an everyday practice. We’ve always looked for funny and ridiculous things to share with each other. We watch stupid silly movies. We play board and card games. We are so well versed, that through this coronavirus epidemic we are able to pull out our tools of humor. We try to find something to giggle about after we rehash the days news. Sometimes it’s as simple as talking about something funny the dog did.

I know there are difficult days ahead with Ryan being back home and taking all of his courses online. I know we will all be driving each other a little nuts being around each other so much, day in and day out. I need to remember in these times to look for something that I can laugh about. Even if it’s just to laugh at the absurdity of it all!

“Laugh as much as possible, always laugh. It’s the sweetest thing one can do for oneself and one’s fellow human beings.” -Maya Angelou 

“A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having.” –  Mark TWain

“Hey, I was talking!”

“ Let me finish what I was saying!”

“ Can I please speak?”

“ Stop interrupting me!”

“Ryan, we’re just having a conversation.  We’re all talking.  We hear you.  Just wait a minute and you can say your piece. “

“But, you’re not listening to me!”

“Yes, we are!”

“No, you aren’t”

“You never listen to me!”

“Why won’t anyone listen to me?”

The above has been an ongoing issue for much of Ryan’s life.   Sometimes it is actually true and other times it’s just a perception.  

Imagine having a brain that is in constant upheaval.  All kinds of thoughts, topics, ideas and feelings bouncing around all at the same time.  You are in a group of people, friends or family  having a good time, just hanging, having a conversation about some topic or other, and you are following along for awhile, sometimes interjecting, sometimes just listening and all of a sudden you just blurt out something that has literally nothing to do with the topic.  Because, you know, your brain is no longer interested in the topic and another topic has taken its place in your brain and then out of your mouth it comes!   The conversation stops and all eyes are on you.  Then you are laughed at, or ignored, or looked at weirdly,  or the conversation just picks up where it left off.  If you’re lucky, someone will kindly tell you that you’re off topic, but more than likely they’ll say it meanly.  Sometimes, people will roll their eyes, and add a demeaning smirk.  

How about this?  This situation happens over and over again during your childhood and young adulthood.  And then people around you start ignoring you, so in order to be heard, you come up with ways to MAKE yourself heard.  Sometimes by overblowing stories, sometimes by yelling, sometimes by arguing your point whether it’s right or wrong. And sometimes by making up stories just so someone, anyone,  will listen to you. Which of course is never the best way to manage the situation.  

Someone who has ADHD and auditory processing issues,  like Ryan, has to manage this, all day, every day.   Even if it’s not true that the person isn’t being listened to, the perception is there because of past, painful experiences.   It becomes deeply rooted.  It can be embarrassing.  It can be devastating.  Learning how to manage this by the person affected and those who are the affected family and friends is necessary in order to have a good relationship.   

As a parent, being aware of your child’s sensitivity to not being listened to is a big first step.  Being attentive, patient and taking a pause when you’re having a conversation with your child or in a larger family setting is important.  Telling your ADHD kid, “I hear you”, is so very important.  Telling them gently that their statement is off topic and that you can get back to that topic when you’re finished with the topic at hand is vital.  And by the way, I’m preaching to myself here.  I constantly need to be reminded.   In the moment, it is so easy to get frustrated and embarrassed by the situation, that it’s so hard not to yell out and be exasperated.  After 20 plus years, I’m still working on it!   

On the other hand, helping your child find friends that accept them for who they are is vital.   This is so difficult.  Especially in a society where kids just want to be cool and not be friends with the “weirdos”.    Finding friends who are compassionate, understanding and patient is key. 

And how do you help the ADHDer manage themselves?  They need to be taught gently that their brain is wired differently.  That speaking their mind whenever and however they want isn’t always socially acceptable.  Teaching them how to pause and think before they speak is an incredible skill to learn and practice.  

The ADHDer and their family  can work on these skills with a therapist who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy, as well as learning how to be a good self advocate  and tell their friends and colleagues who they are and that they process things differently.  In family situations, all involved should use their two ears and their one mouth.  In other words, listen more and speak less.  Again, pausing a moment before you speak can be one of the best tools you can use, whether you’re neurodivergent or not.  This will allow each person to hopefully feel that they are being heard.  

Feeling like he’s being heard will be a lifelong challenge for Ryan.    And it will be a challenge for those of us who love him and call him our friend, son, brother, nephew and grandson.  We are all becoming better human beings- more compassionate, patient and kind because of having someone like Ryan in our lives.   

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you would rather have talked”       –  Mark Twain        

No

Not today

You are not going to win

I am

Stop telling me I can’t

Stop telling me I won’t

Stop hating me

Stop telling me I’m stupid

Let me breathe

Let  me go

Let me be who I am

Don’t tell me I’m not able

Because I can

Because I will

Because I am able

Because I don’t hate myself

And I know I’m not stupid

And I am worthy

So

No

Not today

Not ever

I will overcome

Always

I decided to repost this for those of you who may have missed it the first time.

We took Ryan to see a movie when he was 5 years old. As most kids do, he wanted popcorn and a blue icee. So as a wonderful mother, I complied, much to his delight. After the movie, as we were leaving the theater, he starting jumping and running with wonderful enthusiasm. I took it as a happy boy who loved the movie. But- as we continued to the car and then in to the car, he just physically could not keep himself still – AT ALL. By this time, I was very used to his inability to sit still, but this was more than his usual activity.

We got home, and he just literally became a whirling dervish. I asked him if he was feeling OK, and of course he said quickly, “yeah, I gots lots of energy!” Whirling around the house, I got him outside, a little afraid that he would break something, and he just continued to whirl around the yard. OK – this just wasn’t normal. I could not get him to calm down. After an hour or so, he slowly came back down to earth and crashed landed on the couch. My thought was that maybe sitting in a theater watching a movie for almost 2 hours was just a little too much for him to sit still and he had extra energy that he just had to get out.

A few months later, we repeated the entire process. New movie, blue icee, crazy energy and behavior. At this point I thought that maybe there was something going on with what he had eaten or drunk. An idea of an experiment started rattling around in my brain. What if it were the blue icee causing the problem? Next time, I decided to do the same thing to see what happened. (You may be thinking, why would a mother do an experiment on her own child. Trust me, “all” parents of kids with ADHD do experiments on their kids to find out why and how things happen)

Next movie – blue ice, major craziness.

Next movie – no blue icee, no major craziness.

What was with the blue icee? Sugar? Or chemicals in the blue food coloring?

Just a theory of mine – but I believe it was the food coloring.

But a short word about sugar first. Most if not all medical practitioners will tell you that sugar does not cause hyperactivity in children. And most if not all parents will say the opposite. Seriously – I’ve seen first hand in my own kids when they ate sugar, had crazy energy, and then crash. There might be science behind the idea that sugar doesn’t cause hyperactivity, but come on – parents should be the go to on this one! That said, the energy behind Ryan’s behavior after the icee was something else entirely.

Back to food coloring. There have been numerous studies done on the relationship between food dye and hyperactivity in children. All you have to do is google it. I encourage you to do so. I’m sure that it affects all children differently. But, if a child has ADHD, it’s quite a recipe for an explosion. Ryan’s napalm is blue dye specifically. Many kids have problems with other dye colors, primarily red.

Since the discovery of the issue with the blue icee, Ryan has stayed away from anything that has blue dye in it. When he was younger and something blue was offered to him, he would just innocently say that he couldn’t have it because it made him crazy. He would have M&M’s and take out all the blue ones, and give them to me. He refused blue popsicles and would scrape blue icing off birthday cakes. Now that he’s older, he knows that it messes more with his brain’s hyperactivity vs his body’s hyperactivity. But he still stays away from it.

Evaluating your child’s diet for chemicals and removing what you can is important. Eating as clean as possible is the best solution. And if you need to use food dye for a cake icing or other baked goods, try to choose the natural plant based dyes that are available. I’ll discuss diet and eating clean in a later blog.

I’ll do it later.

I’ll do it tomorrow.

I don’t have time to do it today.

Maybe I can get it done next week.

Oh no, it’s due tomorrow?

Oh no, it was due today and I didn’t finish it.

Oh no, I didn’t pay my bill, now it’s late and I have late fees.  I’ll pay it tomorrow….

I need more time…..

Sound familiar?    Many people have problems with procrastination.  For some it seems it’s just a part of who they are.  For those with ADHD, it’s just part of their  unique  brain wiring which can seriously get in the way of finishing tasks.  Especially those tasks they have zero interest in. And on top of that, the understanding of time: how much time it will take to finish a task is skewed and so often the ADHDer thinks they have all the time in the world to get something done.  And then when that “thing” they need to get done is staring them in the face?  It’s like a deer in the headlights and often they ask themselves, “I thought I had more time to do it.  What am I going to do?  And they freeze and they want to run.  Not unlike running away from an animal that’s chasing them.  

Why do we procrastinate?  When we KNOW we should get that task done?  Well it’s about a short term mood repair.  You know what I mean.  When you decide to put off a difficult task for another day, there’s a sense of relief, maybe even a sense of happiness.  You’re looking at getting it out of your head for another day.  But the “payment” always comes due.  And that payment becomes more painful the closer we get to the deadline.  

 For Ryan?  It’s a constant battle. He is the king of procrastinators.  I guess that would make me the dowager queen?  After all, he has my genes and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  Of course I’m able to work with Ryan on this issue so much easier than I can deal with it personally.   That’s such a conundrum isn’t it?  Anyways, I digress.  When the task (a really good four letter word) was looming and it’s multilayered, especially school work, Ryan could not start on it on his own.  He’d sit there.  Staring.  Didn’t know how to start.  So instead of working on it, he would walk away.    I’d often catch him in his room or on the couch playing something or other.  And I’d ask him why he wasn’t working on his project and he’d often say “Well, I’ll start it tomorrow.”  Of course that never flew with me.  I discovered that he just couldn’t get his thoughts around the project.  It was too much.  Too many parts. And if he had no interest in the project?  We would really have a struggle on our hands.  Over time, and I mean quite a few years, we’ve (tutors, therapists, coaches, parents)  discovered things that can help him.  Here’s a few:

1.  Taking a project and breaking them down into smaller tasks 
2. Spending small chunks of time to work on the tasks.  For example, spending ten minutes with a timer, taking a five minute break, and then working for ten more minutes.
3. Doing something fun before beginning a task
4. Using a body double.  A body double is having someone else in the room with you when you are working on a task.
5. Listening to a playlist while working on a task.  This works well when cleaning a room.
6. Not leaving the most difficult task last.  We often do the easiest things on our task list.  But if you work a little bit on a more difficult task first, then work on an easier task, you might realize that it’s easier to manage.
7. Ask for help.  

Many of the above tools can work well much of the time.  And being consistent in using them can show how great they can be. Some may work all the time, others may not always work depending on the project itself.  But the one thing that I’ve found that really doesn’t work well, is giving more time to get the project or goal or task or assignment done.  That will just continue to promote procrastination.  Even if the project is almost complete, I’ve seen Ryan time and again, put off finishing the project until just before it’s due even when he could have so easily finished it early.

I know that some people feel that they do their best work when they leave things to the last minute.  They sit and muddle over things until the night before something is due.  And then they stay up all night to pound out whatever it is they’re working on.  (I wouldn’t know anything about doing things like this…)  In the long run though, the angst and stress and sleepless nights aren’t really worth it are they?  And who knows how more awesome your work might be if you didn’t put that kind of pressure on yourself?  You know this to be true.  And yet, we do it anyway.  Try some of the above tools.  See if they might work for you.  Especially if you have ADHD.  I have yet to meet an ADHDer who doesn’t have procrastination issues.  And who likes being asked, “Have you completed that report yet?”  Ugh.  Let the excuses fly and little white lies. 

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

– Mark Twain

Really?  Me?  It’s one of the hardest things to admit isn’t it?  That you can make a mistake.  We often even go to great lengths to blame others, or justify our actions or just simply refuse to acknowledge our errors.

I have often questioned myself about decisions that I made, or that my husband and I made when it came to Ryan, specifically in how we managed his ADHD or how we managed his behavior.  It’s difficult when you come face to face with the questions of “Did I do the right thing?”  Especially when the wrong action can have long lasting effects.  This is not about bashing myself,  but about self compassion and forgiveness.    

Questions like: Did we do everything we could for Ryan when he was younger?  Should we have continued speech therapy for him after he left  public school?  Should we have worked harder at social skills?  Should we have worked harder at limiting video games?   These are just a few as list can go on and on. 

I still ask myself these questions, and so many more.  I have lost sleep over many of them.  I have worried about the long term effect of many of the decisions I made over the years.  I am sure that some of the decisions I made,  and still make,  are mistakes.  Either I will know right away that that decision was wrong, or I might question it over the long term if it was the best decision.  And then I start to ruminate.  And that is where the darkness lies, in that rumination.  A never ending self doubt constantly going around and around in my head.  

I will never know the extent of the possible mistakes that I have made and continue to make.  And we all know the idea that we make decisions with the information that we have at the time.  But I also think that it’s important to admit the mistake, to apologize to the one affected as well as forgiving ourselves and then moving on.  As a parent who has a son who is neurodivergent, the mistakes will come.  Sometimes with possibly devastating results and sometimes with results where you could be questioned by everyone in your life.  The, “Why did you do that?”  Or “Why did you decide that course of action?”   The judgment from others can be very difficult to accept.  You might tell yourself that it doesn’t matter what others think, but often deep inside,  you do start to think about it and you ask yourself, “Did I make a mistake?”  Taking time to self-reflect is important.  At the same time, though, there comes a time to let it go.

I think it’s easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself.  Especially when the mistakes you make can really affect your own child’s life.  It’s hard enough for those of us with neurotypical kids when we make mistakes.  But when you have a child with special needs the mistakes can be much more damaging.  I’m learning that when I look in the mirror every evening,  I can say to myself, “Melissa, I forgive you.  You did your best today.  Tomorrow is a new day, time to let it go.”   Be kind to yourself and others.  If you make a bad decision, let it go.  Give it up.  Give it to God.  Move on. 

Regret can either be an awful thing, and keep us stuck in the past, or it can  be a positive influencer.  It can move us towards becoming a better person.  Do I have regret over some of the decisions I made and continue to make  in regards to Ryan?  You bet.  Do I live with that regret?  Well, I’m learning not to. Afterall, I can’t go back and change anything, can I?  And some of those things I can’t even change now to make those decisions better.  I can only go forward and live in the present.  .    

I know that I will make more mistakes.  That is important to admit. And I am only human.  However you get to making a decision, whether it’s through contemplation, prayer, or research, it is you and you alone that makes the decision with the best intentions.  But, it’s how you live with that decision once it’s made.  You may not know the ramifications of that decision until years later and realize that it was either a good one or a mistake.  And then you will either learn how to let it go or let it reside in a dark place inside of you.  Again, learn how to let it go.   Take care of yourself, forgive yourself, and forge ahead.  

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles – by the ears, by the heels, or any other way, so you can manage it; it’s the healthiest thing a body can do.”

–The American Claimant (1899)  

Mark Twain

Why oh why can we just not have a calm enjoyable dinner? 

 “Give me the plate!” 

“ Where’s the salt?” 

“I asked for that first!” 

 “Stop eating with your mouth open!”

 “You’re smacking again!” 

 “That’s disgusting, stop belching at the table!” 

 “Stop arguing with your sister/brother/mom/dad!”

“Why are you so upset? It was just a joke!”  

AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!   The end of the day.  Dinner should be a time when the family comes together, takes a breath, talks about their day and unwinds, and of course enjoy a delicious, well made meal.  Well,  it’s that unwinding part that so often gets in the way.  After keeping it together all day whether at school or work, dinner time is the place to let all the angst out and let down your hair, because, you know, it’s family.  Family will love you no matter what.  You can say whatever you want.  You can treat your family however you want, and they’ll still love you and accept you.  And this is especially true if you have ADHD.  

I can’t tell you how many of our family dinners have erupted in anger, frustration, misunderstanding and just plain horridness.  This has been our norm for many years.  We’re a family of quick wit and quick tongues.  Many times we fail to take the pause.  To think before we speak.  To think about the possible ramifications of our words.  And to stop and think about how and why Ryan is feeling and processing things at the moment.  

 You might think that all of these “bad” dinners would overshadow all of the wonderful meals that we have shared.  You might think that maybe we should eat separately.  Maybe you might say, “well, why don’t you just stop?   

Let’s flip the table for a moment shall we?   Every dinner that we have had together as a family has not been like this.  When we have meals together where everything works beautifully, and we are laughing and enjoying each other’s company, we often remark to each other how memorable these times are.  We aim to make more of these memories, instead of wallowing in the other dark memories.  Good memories erase our bad ones.  We grab hold and work at trying to have more of them instead of giving the other difficult experiences a place of importance in our memories.  These wonderful meals make us want to have more. 

Having the conversation with each other before we sit down about how we’re all feeling is important. Taking each other’s emotional temperature, or asking where each of us are is something we don’t do enough.   I think this is especially important for Ryan.  Has he had a frustrating day?  Or a highly stressed day?  Or is he relaxed?  We all come to the table at the end of the day with our own stuff.  And we all have our own expectations from ourselves and others.     And I think it’s important to re-evaluate  why it is that we come together and share a meal together.  

Now that my children are  adults and we all don’t  live under the same roof, we don’t often share dinner times together.  When we do though, I have gone into the meal just like I always have.  And we revert back to the same old habits.  It’s an odd phenomena.  And I often think that because my children are now adults, that those  precious habits will be gone.  Afterall, they’re adults.  Why should they still act the same way?  But they do.  It’s the same dynamic.  Sometimes we devolve into the same arguments, of who is right and who is wrong, or someone says something that offends someone else. And we have to stop the conversation and smooth the feathers.  But this doesn’t stop us from eating together.  Because when we have a spectacular time together, it outweighs all of the bad times.  And these are the ones that we are going to remember.  

This past weekend, the four of us had one of those memorable meals.  We laughed about stupid stuff.  Someone made a bit of an off color joke, and like magic, we laughed so hard, trying not to spit out our food and just trying hard to keep breathing.  In that moment, as what happens often, my husband just looked at me and I knew what he was thinking.  THIS is what it’s all about.  

I know we’re not the only family that have difficult family mealtimes.  I know they’re frustrating.  I know that you just want to give up.  But don’t.  Keep at it.  Cherish and remember the times that are good.  Be thankful and grateful for the family you have.  Find ways to work through the awfulness.  Those bright moments will come.  And those bright moments are the ones to keep in your special memories in your heart.  

“Life is short. Break the rules.  Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably, and never r

“I am not overreacting!”

I’m “chuckling” as I sit on my bed, sick from COVID and wondering how did this happen?  I’m on vacation in another country.  Stuck in a room with my daughter.  Can’t go out.  This is ridiculous I think out loud.  I start to cry, which I don’t want to do.  I feel like a child ready to have a full tantrum.  I feel like I’m losing my mind and control.  I’m angry,  I’m frustrated.  Am I overreacting?    Well I would be if I didn’t talk myself off the ledge, or take a pause and breathe.   In a week that has been so challenging physically and emotionally, I thought I would talk about emotional dysregulation again.  Maybe you’ll get a kick out of it.  Maybe you’ll say – oh she finally sees that in herself.  Or  maybe you’ll realize that you may have similar challenges.     

Emotional dysregulation.  I’ve written about it before.  Specifically as it relates to Ryan.  But what happens when there is more than one person in the house who struggles with this problem?  What happens when the other person really doesn’t realize that they have it too until they’re sixty years old?  Well, that person is me!  

As a refresher, emotional dysregulation is very common in people who have ADHD.  The prefrontal cortex (specifically the amygdala which handles emotional reaction and decision making) has a problem with activation in ADHD brains, which could explain the difficulty in managing emotions, frustration and anger. 

I have always known that I am a bit of a drama queen.  I have always struggled with keeping my emotions in check.  I have tended to over react.  I cry more easily than most people. I get upset more easily than most people..  I get frustrated more easily than most people.  At least according to my family and friends.  Even when I was little, my siblings would often tell me to stop crying,  or ask me why I’m crying, or tell me that I cry too much..  Well, I honestly couldn’t help it.  But  this is all I have ever known.   I’ve just lived with that little monster and tried to not poke it.  But through researching and writing this blog and book,  and taking the ADHD coaching courses, I’ve discovered that I too, like Ryan, have emotional dysregulation.

This, I realize now, has caused more trouble in our house.  When you have two people who struggle getting a grip on their emotions, life becomes even more difficult when you’re trying to manage life at home.  Ryan yells, I yell.  Ryan gets frustrated, I get frustrated.  I cry, Ryan gets upset that I’m crying.  Ryan loses something, he freaks out.  I lose something, I freak out.  (And for your information, we both lose things quite frequently)

Naming the over reaction and the emotional dysregulation helps me.  It gives me a reason why I am the way I am.  It doesn’t give me an excuse though.  It just really  helps me process who I am and to help my friends and family realize my struggles.  I can now try to find tools, just like Ryan, to help me manage myself better.  Being aware of my overreacting, ridiculous dramatic responses, frustration and anger,  allows me to take a breath, and pause a second before I open my big fat mouth.  It will help me to ask myself, “How do I want to act? Is this situation really as bad as you think it is?  Are you sure you want to make a big deal out of this?  Is it really that important?”  On the other hand, I am still trying to figure out a way to get a handle on the crying bit.  I used to be able to chalk that up to adolescence, hormonal fluctuations around “that time of the month” and pregnancy.  Hmmm, I can’t do that anymore!  So I’ve just accepted the fact that  I’m just a cryer!  Bothersome, not just for those around me, but me as well.  It can be quite embarrassing and exhausting.  I don’t like it.  You know, I don’t hate myself and I’m trying to not be too hard on myself either.  Self compassion and forgiveness is important, and putting things in their proper perspective is equally important.        

As I write this, I want to take a moment and apologize to those I have offended with my over the top emotionality.    It’s amazing to me that at sixty years old,  I am still learning about myself and that I still have work to do.  Change can be more difficult the older one gets – just like a dog.  But I do strive to become a better human being, a friend, a wife, a mother.  I’m still that “work  in progress”. 

And a note to Ryan – I feel your pain.  Although it’s not the same, as we are unique individuals, I understand you better.  It makes for a challenging relationship.  As well I think I know who you are, I am learning to look at myself in the mirror and discover new things about myself and realize that we can work on things together.  

“Any emotion, if it is sincere is involuntary”  –  Mark Twain    

“We don’t choose our emotions.  People need to remember that about those of us who  feel a lot.” – my daughter