This weekend I will have the opportunity to spend time with Ryan as the two of us drive home from college for his winter break. I have not had this opportunity to do this by myself. It’s either been my husband taking this trip or Ryan flying home. But this time, Ryan has a car and he isn’t ready nor comfortable enough to drive the 900 miles by himself.
Although I’m not all that excited about the drive itself, this time is a gift. There won’t be too many more of these kinds of opportunities to spend alone with my young adult son. Our conversations I’m sure will be quite interesting. I’m sure Ryan will want to talk about some things I find little to no interest in; things that he and his father bond over like sports or obscure rock band trivia. On the other hand, we will probably talk about the school quarter, his difficulties and his successes. We’ll listen to music that we both enjoy and experience the beauty of northern California as we drive south.
There are many things I want to talk to Ryan about. But the thing I need to remember is that he will probably verbally vomit all over me.. My job will be to listen. What some don’t know or understand about an ADHDer, is that they so often work extremely hard at keeping themselves together. And it’s extraordinarily exhausting. They have to work at keeping their emotions in check. They have to work hard at not saying whatever comes to their minds. They need to work extra hard at getting to appointments on time, to getting themselves out of bed on time, to getting assignments turned in on time. By the time a student like Ryan is finished with a school term, they are often ready to explode. That exploding is important. And they need a safe environment to do so without judgment. They need a shoulder and an ear. Sometimes it comes out all at once. Other times, it comes out in fits and bursts and may take weeks to get through. Sometimes the same subject needs to be talked about over and over again, so that it can be thoroughly processed. And for someone like Ryan who is a verbal processor, I need to have patience and not jump in. I need to be Ryan’s “safe harbor”.
Ryan and I will have two full days in the car. My intention is to fully enjoy the experience, practice kindness and patience, and be there for him. And when the time is right, we will move on to talk about his plans for winter and spring quarter and the excitement of things to come.
“Praise is well, compliment is well, but affection-that is the last and final and most precious reward that any man can win, whether by character or achievement.”
We all have dreams. Dreams of what our future will look like. Dreams of who we want to become. Dreams of being successful in whatever goals we choose to accomplish. For some, the realization of those dreams seems to be easy. They plan, they set their goals, they implement their plans, and voila! Their dreams come true. For others, dreaming doesn’t even seem possible, or if they do have dreams, they lose hope along the way, maybe because the dream was just too unrealistic, or they didn’t have the support they needed to make those dreams come true. Even with a truly spectacular dream that could come true, some people just can’t seem to get through all the minutiae to get them there. They get lost and have no support.
In 2008 our family took a trip to Idaho. One of the activities we chose to participate in was white water rafting down the Salmon River. This was at least our third go at the rafting experience and something that all of us enjoyed immensely. The thrill of the river run with its class III and IV rapids was a thrilling roller coaster ride. Working together with the other people in our raft as a team, and being led by a skilled guide just added to the joy and quality family time we experienced.
Ryan’s “Runnin down the dream” in his life is not unlike a water rafting trip. The end of the river run is the dream. Making that dream a reality begins in preparing for the trip and then getting in the raft and receiving instructions, including making sure life vests are worn. The people in the raft with Ryan are his team, working together to help him, giving him the tools he needs to succeed and finish the run (making the dream come true). His team includes his coaches, doctors, therapists, teachers, mentors and parents. They should all be working in unison, together as one. Sometimes, though, someone in the raft is going off on their own, which can cause the raft to spin, and maybe even throw someone overboard. Sometimes it might be Ryan that isn’t working with the rest of his team. And sometimes the raft itself through no fault of the team’s is sent swirling out of control even if everyone is working together because of some unseen drop or rogue wave, then everyone is thrown from the raft. Getting back to the raft, turning it right side up and all climbing in again to right the raft, and begin again can be frustrating. Fortunately, the life vests were worn, so no one was lost. Although maybe a team member needs to be replaced with a new team member waiting along the shore who can offer better assistance. At this point, everyone needs to reevaluate their roles, reevaluate the end goal and start again down the river again.. The rapids along the way, the highs and lows of each and every dip and waterfall, the possible ejections from the raft, as well as the calming water that sometimes comes afterward, are all steps and projects, and frustrations, and failures, and successes along the way.
I haven’t yet mentioned the role of the guide. The guide’s role is to provide instruction and leadership. And of course to make sure the passengers arrive safely at the end of the run. Usually there is only one guide. But in Ryan’s dream, there are many guides. Each takes a section of the run and manages the team. Sometimes the guide may even be Ryan himself when he needs to let his plans and voice be heard.. Each guide has a particular skill at a particular part of the rapids. One guide may be in charge of the calm, and another guide may be in charge of the class IV rapids when more expertise is needed. Myself and Ryan’s dad may be the guides at various points if there needs to be some righting of the raft.
Runnin’ down the dream takes a full raft of people to help make Ryan’s dreams come true. Thank you to all those who have been in the raft and are still in the raft with him. It’s been a wild ride and I know that there is more to come……
I will end this with some lyrics from Tom Petty, one of Ryan’s favorite musicians:
“Yeah, runnin’ down a dream that never would come to me
This time last year I wrote about having plenty to be thankful for. This year, I want to visit this idea again. Of course, Thanksgiving always brings to the forefront all the things that I am grateful for.. It is my favorite holiday. It kicks off the holiday season, and for me, gives me the pause I need to enter into the sometimes very stressful, yet “the most wonderful time of the year.”
It is sometimes difficult to take a pause and step back from the daily bumps of raising children who are not neurotypical, especially during the holidays. Many times it feels like there’s no end to the grind of it all. It can easily consume every ounce of energy you have. Wallowing in that mire can easily take over a life.
I have found myself in that mire. Somehow though, through faith, through perseverance, through my family bringing this to my attention, and maybe something inherent within me, I decided that I needed to focus on what I am thankful and grateful for. Yes, I have a neurodivergent child, but what a gift he is. There is rarely a boring or dull moment. And I’m thankful for that. He is a loving and giving human. And I’m thankful for that. He keeps me on my toes. And I’m thankful for that. He pushes me to learn and study more about his differences. And I’m thankful for that. He is unique. And I’m thankful for that. I have resources to help him. And I’m thankful for that. He has a wondrous sense of humor. And I’m thankful for that. He pushes me to be a better mother and a human being. And I’m thankful for that.
This holiday season, I aim to take a pause daily, breathe and speak aloud what I am thankful for. Maybe it will become a daily practice, even after the year comes to an end and a new year begins. Anyone care to join me?
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. May it be filled with friends, family, and a bountiful table.
“The observance of Thanksgiving Day — as a function — has become general of late years. The Thankfulness is not so general. This is natural. Two-thirds of the nation have always had hard luck and a hard time during the year, and this has a calming effect upon their enthusiasm.”
Someone recently asked my husband, who is going to retire soon, what he was going to do when he retired. My husband’s response? “Sleep.”
Sleep is a precious commodity. And in my family, all of us need a good night’s rest. We are all sleep driven. If we don’t get enough sleep, we all become cranky monsters. I should have known when I married my husband that our children would be just like us.
Even the other day, when I was talking to Ryan, he said he had been kept up half the night by a party that was raging in his apartment building two days earlier and he was still cranky from not getting enough sleep.
We all know about all the studies on sleep and how much sleep we need every night to optimally operate. But that’s not what this blog is about. It’s about Ryan’s sleeping habits and his need for consistent bedtime and quality sleep.
As you can imagine, when Ryan was young, he either had an on switch or an off switch. He would go, go, go and then crash. (See the picture below? He literally bent over the couch and fell asleep. We have lots of those pictures.) That crash was sometimes very painful as we could see it coming, flaming crankiness, flaming temper tantrums and then OUT! If we happened to not be home and his routine was upset and we wouldn’t be able to keep his bedtime, then we would be in a world of hurt the next day. His ADHD symptoms would increase, he wouldn’t be able to manage himself well, and anyone around us would be privy to his behavioral shenanigans. Even today, when he seems extra cranky or out of sorts, I will ask him if he had a good night’s sleep the night before. Almost always the answer is no.
As he reached later elementary school and middle school, Ryan’s sleep patterns changed. He started to have trouble falling asleep due to his brain being so active. Some of this was because his meds would have worn off by this time. Once he did fall asleep he was an “active” sleeper. Meaning he moved a lot in the bed and he began talking in his sleep. We could hear him talking away, sometimes clearly, sometimes mumbling and we’d check on him. He was always asleep. If we were away on a trip in a hotel room, many times we were entertained by the things he said, and had to keep our laughing out loud to a minimum so we wouldn’t wake him. Those are memorable and funny memories. Many times the next morning, after a very busy night of talking in his sleep, he would say that he didn’t sleep well. Even if he’d been “asleep” for over eight hours. He’d talk about having a lot of dreams.
In high school, managing sleep for any teenager is a struggle. Late nights, early mornings during the week, and late nights and sleeping late on weekends are the norm. For Ryan, this was not the norm. He had learned by this time that sleep was just about the single most important thing he could do for himself to keep him on an even keel. Because he had to leave the house every morning by seven to get to school, he needed to be in bed and asleep by ten. We never had to fight him on this. I think this was partially due to us setting up a bedtime routine for Ryan at an early age, He did have trouble shutting off his brain and falling asleep, which was when he started to take Melatonin to help. For him, it worked very well. On weekends, he also had a schedule, which meant that he went to bed an hour later, but he still got up in the morning by eight. His sleeping issues only became a bit of a problem when he would go away on his Boy Scout trips and he didn’t get enough sleep and would come home tired. But even then, I understood that Ryan would go into his tent earlier than most scouts. But he would always come home happy with his experiences, but cranky with lack of sleep. And then he was off to bed on those Sundays earlier than expected.
We have always known to give Ryan grace when he hasn’t had enough sleep. We weren’t always good about putting that into practice, but we have tried diligently to not expect too much from him and not have meaningful conversations with him. He just couldn’t and still can’t do it.
It’s hard to manage sleep in your child who has ADHD. Their brain is just not wired like everyone else’s. It’s hard to turn off all the stuff that is going around and around in the brain. But having a bedtime routine, keeping off devices at least thirty minutes before bedtime, reading a book, taking some deep breaths, and taking a natural sleeping aid, and making sure that the child is getting enough hours of sleep for their age can all help. The most important thing? A set bedtime routine and schedule. That’s vital. The ADHD child’s behavior and ADHD symptoms will be so much more manageable. The last thing you want is an uncontrollable yet lovable monster running around in your life.
“I turned in and slept like a log–I don’t mean a brisk, fresh, green log, but an old dead, soggy rotten one, that never turns over or gives a yelp.”
Letter to Olivia Clemens, December 16, 1871 – Mark Twain
Ugh. Money. No-one wants to talk about money. It would be a four letter word if it could.
We all have a difficult relationship with money, don’t we? How to get it. How to spend it. How to manage it. So much of how we deal with it comes from how we were raised. It was a taboo topic when I was growing up. It was just simply not discussed. When I think about it, it’s no wonder I struggled with all things financial for a big chunk of my life.
Many people with ADHD have a very difficult relationship with money. Since they have issues with executive functioning, it naturally follows that money can be a thorn in their side. Ryan has had his share of bumps in the road when it comes to money matters. I’m not going to get too personal, but I will offer generalizations and some advice on how we have helped him and to continue to help him learn about and manage his budget.
Many ADHDers live in the here and now. Due to the previous mention of executive functioning issues, the inability to look down the road and plan for the future is difficult. On top of this, if the ADHDer has issues with impulsivity, they have an inability to stop and think about a purchase, and so they go head long into buying something that maybe they don’t need or don’t have the money for. Many ADHDers lack the ability to think that if they buy that pair of shoes or that computer game, they may not be able to pay for their phone or electricity at the end of the month. It simply does not dawn on them. And then they find themselves in a bit of a mess.
Early on, we knew that as soon as Ryan had cash in his hands, he would spend it. It would burn a hole in his pocket. (Hmmm, I wonder where he gets that from?) Or, he would be extra generous with friends and buy them a snack or a drink, never thinking that he might need that money for himself. He would often come home from school, asking for more money from me or his dad the next day, and we would ask him, “where did the money go?” And when he went to sleepaway camp, he never came back with any money left over. And invariably, he wouldn’t know where the money went.
This behavior is typical of those with ADHD. It’s not a fault. Although it can cause a lot of problems down the road. There is actually a term for this, it’s called the ADHD tax.
The ADHD tax happens when an ADHDer forgets to pay a bill. And then there is the late charge that’s added to the bill. Or something gets canceled because the ADHDer didn’t have enough money to pay the bill because they spent too much on other things and then to get the service reinstated, they have to come up with a lot more money. And of course the financial tax then becomes an emotional and mental tax, doesn’t it?
Money problems in an ADHDer can look like a horrible car wreck, and a weakness. And it can be a lifelong challenge. Even if an ADHDer is taught personal finances, takes classes, gets information, is mentored or taught early on, it simply may not work. On top of this, the ADHDer may feel horrible shame and guilt for not being able to manage their finances on their own. And they may hide their problems, not talk about it, lie about it and get themselves even deeper into financial trouble and debt.
What to do? Put simply, the ADHDer with financial issues will need someone in their life to help keep them on track. Whether it’s a family member to keep a budget for them and manage their money matters, or possibly hiring a financial planner to do the same. I even know of an older adult woman with ADHD who has a manager who literally manages all of her money and gives her enough cash each week to buy things that she needs or wants.
Taking this issue off the ADHDer’s plate will give them the opportunity to use their strengths in areas that matter. It takes the guilt and shame away and helps them feel better about themselves so they can focus on being successful in all areas of their life.
Noone wants to or likes to talk about money, but let’s bring it out of the shadows and truly help those who need it. Help them face their struggles face on, take away the shame and give the ADHDer hope for a bright future.
“Behold the fool saith, “Put not all thine eggs in the one basket”- which is but a manner of saying, “Scatter your money and your attention”; but the wise man saith, “Put all your eggs in the one basket and- WATCH THAT BASKET.”’
This is a repeat. I feel that it’s very important to continue to bring this subject to light as bullying is such a very real issue, especially for people who have invisible differences.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” We heard this a lot when we were growing up. I think I may have even used it against my own tormentors. The truth is – it’s just not true is it? Maybe some people can let things roll off their backs, but most can’t, and what about those with learning differences? Especially those children who have had to deal with bullying from a very early age.
When I was growing up, what we called teasing then, is bullying now. It seems that a generation ago that this teasing was something we all had to deal with and were told that it’s just a part of growing up, that we needed to develop a thick skin and not be so sensitive. And those of us who didn’t deal well with it were told to grow up and stop being such a baby. And we were told that people could only hurt us if we let them. How many of us have held on to past hurts due to this “teasing” and the pain has lasted in to our adulthoods?
Now, think about those children who are not typical? What if you’re unable to process the “teasing” well and become so downtrodden by others making fun of your inabilities and differences? When does teasing become bullying? Maybe when teasing becomes unwanted? Or when the recipient is unable to tell the difference? We have maybe become a too sensitive society. So many things have become “unpolitically correct” that sometimes we’re afraid to open our mouths about anything. But let me be clear here – I’m not talking about the typical child, I’m talking about the the non typical one. The ones like Ryan who are a walking and talking target.
For Ryan, it started early. First grade. Remember when I wrote about him biting the boy and he had to go to the office? Well – that same boy saw that he could push Ryan’s buttons and make him do something that would get him in trouble. The boy went as far as setting up a scenario and then lying completely about what happened. On the playground Ryan was playing with this boy and another friend. The boy for no reason kicked Ryan in his privates. Ryan then pushed him. The boy ran screaming to the yard duty and told her that Ryan had kicked him in the nuts. Major fallout ensued. It came down to this boy’s word against Ryan’s, telling everyone that Ryan kicked him and pushed him down. Ryan was inconsolable and kept telling us he didn’t kick him, that the boy had kicked him instead. But because Ryan had other behavior problems, no one believed him, except his dad and I. (Ryan had no idea what the word “balls” meant either) This was just the beginning of the terrorizing from this boy. There were other children who were present, but nobody came to either boy’s defense. We found out later, that this boy was adept at creating fear among other kids. We had to endure a full year of continued bullying, mainly name calling and laughing at Ryan by this boy. Finally, this boy found a new victim to torture, and it was realized a little too late that Ryan was not the instigator. Other parents came to me and said, oh I guess Ryan was telling the truth. (You think???) To this day, we mention his boy’s name and Ryan shudders.
This was the beginning of many years of bullying. Mainly it was kids just laughing at him or saying things like, “Come on Ryan, spit it out!” when Ryan struggled to get his words out. We left this public school after 3rd grade and enrolled Ryan in Westmark School, a private school for children with language based learning differences. We hoped that this would be a wonderful, accepting and safe place for Ryan to learn and enjoy school. It was, but we still encountered bullying. Yes, every school has bullies, but we didn’t think that there would be a problem. The one positive thing about Westmark, is that they took bullying more seriously and knew that most of the kids coming to Westmark had been bullied at their other schools. But- because almost all of these kids had been bullied themselves, there became a new pecking order. Many of them turned to bullying themselves in order to make themselves feel better.
In seventh grade, Ryan went to a school sleep away science camp. A boy thought it would be funny if someone pulled Ryan’s pants down while they were all waiting in line for dinner. Well – that didn’t go over well. Ryan’s pants got pulled down and Ryan turned and pushed the boy down. Ryan, along with the boy who did it got suspended. (No toleration policy – I know, right? Not allowed to defend himself!) This opened a huge can of worms. (Side note – the boy who had the other boy pull down Ryan’s pants was expelled from Westmark after finding out from other students that he had been bullying a lot of kids)
Ryan sometimes would come home from school in a really bad mood, or just defiant. It took us a long time to figure out why. Through behavioral therapy it was discovered that he was upset about things that had happened during the day at school with his classmates and friends. It took him time to process what had happened before he could tell his dad or me. We would have to let him decompress and then we could ask him if something was wrong or if something had happened at school. When he could finally put it in to words, he would just cry and cry. It would just kill me.
Bullying continued through high school. Mainly by things kids would say, like “you’re stupid, because you don’t take AP classes.” (Really!) Or by kids making noises behind Ryan during class to push his buttons so he would explode verbally in class to tell them to stop it. Stupid stuff like that. But what it was doing was scraping away a little bit more and more of Ryan’s psyche. To the point that Ryan would always feel that someone was talking about him behind his back, or laughing at him. In reality it wasn’t true, but it was his perception.
It has left irreparable harm. Even with therapy and talking about it, and encouraging him, Ryan has been left with a sensitive soul. He wounds easily even when the other person is joking. On the positive side, he is truly a champion for others and will stand up to anyone who treats others badly. His compassion is heartwarming. If you happen to be his friend, his loyalty is without measure.
So what can the rest of us do? Like Ryan, be compassionate. Talk to them about what bullying does, especially to those who have special needs. Encourage your children to stand up to those who bully and be a support to those who are bullied. Help children be able to tell an adult when there is bullying. As an adult, be aware that even though schools have anti-bullying policies, it still happens. We see it in the news. Kids are committing suicide because of it, kids are dying because of physical violence against them. And sadly, some kids have committed school shootings because of the horrible bullying that happened to them, and they just can’t cope any more. Please help your own child get the help they need. Listen to them, watch them, love them.
I know you’ve noticed. If you know me well, you know why I almost always have a Mark Twain quote at the end of a post. The rest of you either tolerate it, or question “What’s with the Mark Twain quotes?” So if you’ll indulge me for a moment and let me write about something that doesn’t have anything to do with ADHD……well, you might say that Tom Sawyer probably had it,,,,,but anyways this post doesn’t.
I like Twain. No, that’s not correct. I really, really like Mark Twain. Actually, I love Mark Twain. And my love affair with him began when I was in high school.
A little personal history. When I was in high school, my family had friends who moved to Sonora, California. Sonora, is located in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada, where the Gold Rush of 1849 took hold. Sonora and the surrounding area is known as the Mother Lode. and is still called that today. My parents and I visited our friends and explored the surrounding area, which included visiting Angels Camp, a small gold rush town in Calaveras county, and the cabin where Mark Twain stayed in while he was visiting and trying his hand at mining. (He didn’t do so well) He wrote and published his first story based on a story he heard at a hotel in Angels Camp – “The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County.” This information just all grabbed my interest and I started reading everything I could get my hands on about Mark Twain. I obviously knew about Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, but I became a bit intrigued and obsessed about Mark Twain’s time in California.
Skip to college. By this time I had read a big chunk of Mark Twain’s books. But I still really had a thing for his California days, being the California girl that I am. This came in handy as I wrote an English term paper specifically on Twain’s time in California. And no, I don’t have that paper anymore. I wish I did.
My parents ended up moving to Sonora which became a second home for me. And wouldn’t you know it, that when I started dating my husband, I discovered that he too loved Mark Twain. Fast forward twenty plus years, and my mother moved away from Sonora to live closer to family. But my husband and I continued to visit friends who had a cabin in a mountain town up Sonora Pass named – wait for it……Twain Harte!. Named after of course Mark Twain and Bret Harte (another author who wrote stories about the Gold Rush and Mother Lode area). After years of visiting and having a dream of owning a cabin there, we bought our small cabin in 2019..
All of this I have shared with you without telling you actually why Mark Twain has a hold on me. I admire and love his satire and humor. I would call him the greatest American humorist and satirist. He has seen and told things as they were in the late 1800’s and those things still apply today. There’s humor, and honesty and good advice in his writings. All things that I admire and try to emulate in my life. I can read a quote and giggle or laugh or nod or say – ‘yep, that’s a good one!” And I want to share my world of Mark Twain with you, the reader. And I try to connect a quote to what I write about in that blog. It doesn’t always work, but I do my best.
On a side note. Every year at the Calaveras County Fair and Jumping Frog Jubilee, there is a jumping frog contest. Anyone with a frog can enter. It’s quite hysterical to watch….
“I never count any prospective chickens when I know that Providence knows where the nest is.” – Mark Twain 1883 letter
This post is about two subjects that although can be talked about separately, can be closely intertwined, which is why I am addressing both together.
We noticed early on in Ryan’s life that if he had too much down time, it would create a vortex of him spinning out of control. By this I mean him turning into either being completely unmotivated, so that he couldn’t do anything, or being so full of anxiety that any little thing could throw him into an emotional meltdown. If there was nothing to do, or nothing on his schedule, he literally became a couch potato ready to explode like a potato that has cooked too long in a microwave. . Most of us relish having nothing to do after a day or week of crazy business. We can fill our time with whatever we want and then turn ourselves back on when it’s time to get back to work or whatever event or task we need to accomplish.
But for Ryan, having too much time on his hands was and still is a recipe for a bit of disaster. Having “plenty of time” has meant that things don’t get accomplished when they should. Because guess what? Those procrastination bugs come out in droves and get in the head, cause Ryan to shut his brain off and then he’s doing a bunch of nothing. Playing video games, not getting out of the house, not doing his homework, not cleaning. In other words, time disappears.
In middle school and high school, when Ryan was at his busiest, and his schedule was full, he was the most successful. Don’t misunderstand, he wasn’t over scheduled. I talk about that in another post. But he was scheduled enough so that the downtime he had was built into his life in a way that school and outside interests were.
Using a physical calendar and writing everything in it, including downtime, has always been the best way to manage Ryan’s schedule. Not knowing what he’s doing or where he’s going removes the anxiety of not knowing what’s happening. And when I say everything, I mean, class time, work out time, homework time, study time, work time, meeting up time with friends, and downtime. If there’s workout time on a specific day, the specific time is written down. If he’s going to play video games, a specific amount of time is written in the calendar.
This may seem a bit extreme, but we (Ryan, me, his dad, his sister) have seen over and over again, when the calendar goes by the wayside, Ryan’s life goes by the wayside. And if he doesn’t have enough to do, he gets around to doing nothing. But when he has a schedule written out, he’s so much more successful.
This all falls into Ryan’s poor executive functioning. Specifically, time management. Those with ADHD typically have issues with executive functioning. (You can read more about executive functioning in a previous post). ADHDers struggle with understanding the flow of time. They often don’t know how long it takes to get things done, or how long it might take to get somewhere. So putting a method or an aid of some sort in place to help the ADHDer manage their time can help them become successful. Using a physical write in calendar, or using an electronic calendar either on a phone or tablet or laptop that can sink with each other can be helpful. Or maybe even using both, like I do. Sometimes writing things down on a physical calendar can help with memory and then I also add it to my phone which sinks with my computer. Sometimes it will take a bit of experimenting to figure out what works best. But the whole point is to find what does.
So for Ryan, it’s about having enough to do, planning the downtime, and putting it all in his calendar. So that he doesn’t have time for his brain to shut off and go down the rabbit hole of nothingness. There’s nothing worse for an ADHD brain to have nothing purposeful to think about. Because an ADHD brain will fill up with thoughts that aren’t necessarily productive or positive. Ooooh that’s another subject altogether.
“Plain question and plain answer make the shortest road out of most perplexities.”
In the past I have been accused of being a negative person. Not sure where my negative attitude comes from. Maybe being allowed over my entire life to verbalize my dramatic self, or my seeing life at times to be full of difficulties and pain. I have struggled with seeing the glass half empty instead of half full. Whatever the reason, the lows of the valleys have seemed to overtake my highs of the mountain top. In reality, when I stop and look at my life, the reality is, that’s just not true. Sure there have been some mighty difficulties to overcome. Maybe it’s my wiring, or I don’t always see the positives in daily life. Or maybe it just makes me feel better in a weird way when I complain about every tiny itty bitty thing that may be wrong, or a bit off, or whatever. I have had to work really hard at being positive. Really hard.
Someone may say, well you may have reasons to be negative, afterall, you have had to raise Ryan with his ADHD and learning differences. The struggles and hills to climb with him have been and still are difficult. While that is true, and I have been in the deep depths of despair, I have had to learn to focus on the positives. Otherwise, I wouldn’t get up in the morning.
Biologically speaking, there is one specific hormone and one specific hormone/neurotransmitter that are being released when I am either in a positive or a negative mood. These chemicals have a serious effect on a person physically. Negativity releases cortisol (the stress hormone) and positivity releases dopamine (the feel good hormone and neurotransmitter). And negative thoughts can last so much longer and cause cortisol to hang out so much longer than positive thoughts and dopamine. We all know how hard it is to get out of sad, negative thoughts, and how easy it is to ruminate on the worries and sadness in our lives. On the flip side, we have to work harder to think positively and keep our dopamine up.
Cortisol is a stress hormone and can be quite damaging in the long run. All you have to do is google it. Dopamine on the other hand plays a role in how we find pleasure. It helps us to find things interesting and helps us focus and helps us to do things we want and need to do. It’s really important, right? So those of us with ADHD brains, many times get stuck in negativity because, wouldn’t you know it? There is a lack of dopamine.So there’s an actual biological reason for someone like me who struggles with negativity. I have to work extra hard to find the positive in life and get out from under the negative.
My husband recently mentioned to me that my blog had taken a bit of a dark turn lately and could use some maybe happier uplifting content. Well, I write what I know and I write about the things that are either happening at the moment, or about things that have happened recently that I feel I need to write about. You might say that you can tell what kind of place I’m in by what the subject matter is in my posting of the week. I think this is true in general terms and especially true over this recent summer. I had been wallowing in a cortisol induced way of living. And it was having an effect on my relationships with my family. (Don’t worry, this will all have a positive ending!)
Living in my own ADHD brain, and living with the other ADHDer (Ryan) in my life, has taught me to be aware of these cortisol inducing times and to work at climbing out of the valley to find the positives in life. You’d think that it would be easy. Maybe for some people. But when you lack the dopamine, you have to find ways to turn that neurotransmitter on.
Wouldn’t it be great if you could turn on the switch like a light switch? Stimulant medications for ADHD increases dopamine signaling. The results of taking these medications are clear to see, when the ADHDer can now pay attention better, focus better and learn better. Those of us who choose not to take medications for whatever reason, need to find and use strengths to get “our dopamine on”. Things like, figuring out what gets you moving in the morning. Doing something fun or meaningful first, can really help. Especially in my case. It helps me with having a positive attitude and gets me moving. If I wane in positivity during the day, then I take a few time outs , just 5-10 minutes to do something enjoyable – reading, watching a favorite sitcom, or playing a game, just to reset my brain a bit, so I can laugh a bit, so I can move on to doing another difficult task like having a difficult discussion with Ryan, or my daughter or my husband!
I know I went down a hole here a bit. But having a positive attitude is so important for a happy fulfilled life. I know that. I get it. But for some of us, it’s not always easy to maintain. Whether it’s a wiring thing, a life experience thing or a whatever thing. I have to work on it- daily. Sometimes, many times a day. And when a sad or difficult event has happened, I try to find something positive in that darkness. I know in my heart and brain that finding the positive things in every situation will only help me manage the negativity and give me the dopamine rush that I need. It’s better for me physically, emotionally, mentally and for my relationships.
There are those of us out there who may not have ADHD, but find ourselves also wallowing in negativity. Find a way to get your dopamine on. Positivity in life is necessary. It literally makes you feel better. Use some of my ideas above, or pray, or sing, or spend time with a friend who has a good sense of humor, or do something for someone else. Do whatever it takes to get your dopamine on!!!
“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” -Mark Twain’s Notebook
How are strengths used and how can you discover them especially when you are so often focused on your weaknesses? And who has the bandwidth to take the time to discover those strengths, when you feel you’re barely keeping your head above water? Barely being successful in whatever endeavor you’re trying to master? And being constantly bombarded with possible failure at every turn?
So, again it seems so overwhelming. But the thing is, you have been successful. In many areas of your life. You have become a Bar Mitzvah. You have achieved Eagle Scout. You have graduated High School. You completed a year with the California Conservation Corps. You are attending college. And you got your driver’s license.
The you that I speak of is Ryan. If he didn’t have strengths, he wouldn’t have accomplished any of these things. Yes, he’s managed not to achieve some things, we all haven’t achieved some things. And I’m sure, he at times has called himself a failure. That he’s too weak to get over some barriers. That he struggles with his weaknesses and doesn’t always know how to pull out his strengths to make it all work for him.
Looking back at the “big” accomplishments, we have been able to glean some of Ryan’s strengths. He’s also learned what his learning styles are and what his character strengths are. He’s taken a few quizzes to find out what his strengths are. He’s spent time with his school coach and his therapist to uncover what is important to him and what drives him.
Many of us don’t figure this out early in our lives. Some of us don’t ever figure this out, and may not even need to because we don’t have ADHD, and pull out whatever skill is needed to succeed at school, at work and in relationships. But, remember, the ADHD brain’s wiring is different. And so often going from point A to B is not a straight line. ADHDers need to learn about how their brain works, so that they can learn how to live in a world that just doesn’t always make sense to them. And to get from point A to B, the ADHDer needs to identify their own personal skills and strengths to get there.
So going back to Ryan and finding out what his strengths are. By breaking down his past accomplishments and finding out actually how he managed them and identify all the steps he took to get there, has helped him tackle other projects. Of course, first, if he has had an interest in accomplishing a project, he will have a much better chance of completing that project. Without interest, it’s very difficult to get anything accomplished. Second, he has taken the VIA character strength test. VIA is an organization that helps a person find out what their character strengths are. You can learn more about VIA on their website: viacharacter.org. The test is free and takes about ten minutes to complete. Ryan has been able to identify his top five to seven character strengths. These five to seven are what drives him, and what are most important to him. Utilizing two to three of his main character strengths daily, increases his chances of being successful in the tasks he undertakes. Third, Ryan has identified what his processing modalities are. The way someone processes information is important to discover. The list of processing modalities are: auditory, conceptual, emotional, intuitive, kinesthetic, tactile, visual and verbal. One of Ryan’s modalities is verbal. So he needs to verbally talk through an issue, or a task or a decision to fully understand it and process it. These modalities can become strengths if they are known, accessed and then used to best accomplish whatever Ryan needs to accomplish. Fourth, Ryan is learning where he needs help. Asking for help really is a strength. I think this is really hard for us stubborn human beings who think we can do things on our own. It’s so often looked at as a weakness or an embarrassment when we find ourselves in a quagmire of woe because we haven’t asked for help. It’s a strength I tell you, a STRENGTH to ask for help! And whatever form that help comes in should be welcomed. If we need someone just to sit in the same room with us as we work on something to get through it, then so be it. If we need a coach to help us manage our executive function issues then that’s great. If we need a friend just to sit with us and let us vomit a whole lot of words just to help process whatever is in our head, then great – do it. Ryan uses all of these things. (And more) That’s being strong.
Ryan is still learning about his strengths. It’s a lifetime process and adventure. It’s going to take a lot of experimenting, tweaking and even fun. But without using those strengths, then everything is just darkness and shame. Don’t we all want to find out what our strengths are so we can succeed to the best of our abilities?
Life with Ryan 