I can say with certainty that  just about  every ADHDer I have met has had  trouble keeping a calendar.  They forget to put an important appointment in their calendar and then miss it.  They start using one type of calendar and then stop using it because they don’t like it, and then don’t use one at all and try to remember when they have appointments.  Which of course, doesn’t work for various reasons, including having working memory issues.  This again leads to missed appointments.  Often, a bright new shiny calendar is found, and the ADHDer  will hyperfocus on that new calendar, thinking they have finally found “the one”, and then a few months later, the interest is gone and they’re back to square one.  This can all have a detrimental effect on their personal worth, their relationships and even their jobs.  The frustration can overtake them, leaving them with the question, “Will I ever get it together?  Will I ever be able to take control of my schedule and finally use a calendar successfully?”  The answer to that is coming. See below. 

I keep 2 calendars.  A handwritten one and a Google calendar.  They are almost identical.  Why do I keep both?  For one, it helps if I can physically write something down.  I’m a kinesthetic processor.  The physical act of writing something down helps me remember.  The Google calendar is shared with my husband, and he shares his calendar with me.  This helps us to  keep from asking each other what we have going on on any day.  We often color code events that are for both of us together and those that involve important events that our kids are involved with. Our tasks are  on our calendars; also color coded.  If either of us needs to schedule an event, then, either of us can check our calendars and see if we are both open.   Because our children are grown, we don’t have a calendar that has all of our kids’ activities.  It’s much easier now that I don’t have to manage (mostly) their lives as well as my own.  I also use Google calendar to add things in when I am out and about and don’t carry my larger physical calendar with me.  

My physical, notebook sized calendar has a large monthly calendar as well as a  weekly calendar where I can put tasks as well as more details about my specific appointments, etc.  This works extremely well for me.  

To answer the above question if you will ever be able to keep a calendar, the simple answer is yes, you will.  There is a but, though.  It takes work.  And patience.  You may find one that works for a while and then it doesn’t and you will need to find another one.  You may find you’re wasting a lot of money if you’re looking for a physical calendar.  Don’t have that kind of funds to throw away?  Do research before you buy.  Go to all the stores that have calendars.  Have fun going down the rabbit hole of all the beautiful and unique calendars that are out there.  Don’t want to take the time to physically go and look at each one?  Then the internet has gobs of them.  If you still don’t find one you like, you can also design your own.  Again, there are tons of websites to give you ideas.  The wonderful thing about making your own, is you can make it exactly how you want it.  It can be pretty and colorful and full of fun stickers. This can  can help keep your interest in using it.  You might even consider  decorating a boring store bought calendar to make it more personalized..  

If you want to keep it as simple as possible, and feel that an online calendar will be good enough, then use Google calendar or use the calendar already on your phone which you can ask your phone verbally to set an appointment.   There are all kinds of tools and options to use, including reminders, inviting others to join, adding colors for tasks and appointments, and even videoconferencing.   YouTube has many videos to watch on how to optimally utilize Google calendar.  

Setting up your calendar is probably going to be the easy part.  The ongoing use though can be another thing all together, especially if you already have a history of falling off the calendar bandwagon.   Here’s a few tools to help you maintain your calendar:

•  Every evening, review the following day’s schedule

•  Before you start your day, open your calendar to see what’s on tap for the day
• Set a  time at the end of every week (Friday, Saturday or Sunday) to review and add the following week’s schedule into your calendar.
• When you do the above, review the following week’s appointments.
• You may even want to put an appointment in your calendar every day to review your calendar.  No, that’s not overkill.  It’s just another tool to help you remember.

Don’t know where to start and feel that you don’t want to take a lot of time to find a calendar?  Here’s a few that are ADHD favorites:  (Remember that you don’t have to have ADHD to struggle with using a calendar. One of the following may work well for you too!)

• The Happy Planner
• Seeing My Time
• Planner Pads
• Bloom
• Emergent Task Planner
• Rocketbook
• Live Rich Planner
•  Levenger
• TREES weekly planner
• Mom Agenda (My personal favorite when my kids were younger)

Next week I will discuss student planners and  how to use a planner to help students  schedule homework and assignments.  

“Don’t wait, the time is never just right.”    –  Mark Twain

Recently I was having lunch with my family, including Ryan, his dad, sister and my mother- in- law.  Picture it:  We are all sitting at a table, setting it up with napkins, drinks and the order number stand.  As we sit down, we all start talking to each other in a how are you, catching up sort of conversation.  There are small conversations between one or two people, sometimes three people and sometimes all five of us.  You know the kind I mean.  Everyone is just settling in making small talk.  Then things begin to shift and more serious subjects arise,  which typically involves all five diners.  Our party has now evolved to this mode of conversation.

Here is what is happening in our group.  Ryan brings up a subject and we start to talk about it.  In the middle of the conversation, he switches to another topic.  Before we finish that conversation, he brings something else up.  And then something else.  And then something else in rapid fire  My daughter leans over to me and says in a quiet voice, “How many topics can you cover in five minutes?”  We both lost it at this point and started laughing, which of course got a funny look from everyone else.  As we shared our side “joke”, we all started laughing, including Ryan.   Ryan of course could have taken offense to this.  Instead, he was able to laugh about it himself.  He was in a good place that day.  Another day, it may have bothered him.  We assured him that we weren’t laughing at him per se.  It’s  just another quirk that is common in people who have ADHD.   

So often, the ADHD brain just has a jumble of ideas and thoughts that makes it difficult to just focus on one.  As soon as one idea is out of the mouth, then interest is quickly lost, and it’s time to move on to the next one.  No fault of the person who has this going on.  If you have ADHD and experience this, you know what it’s like.  I understand this well,  as my brain too seems to be on steroids like Ryan’s.  In order to make it stop, the mouth just keeps on “vomiting” everything out.  

Often, the ADHD brain will just automatically move on to something else, many times before the other people present have time to speak, answer or even acknowledge. This is tough on the ADHDer as well as the neurotypical who is often held captive by the entire process .   It can be  frustrating for both people in a situation like this.    I mean really, who wants to be friends with someone who has flight of ideas, doesn’t seem to listen or care,  and just ends up taking over the conversation?  And who wants to be friends with someone who won’t be patient enough to just allow you to “get it all out”?  You might love each other and care deeply, but how do you tolerate each other?   Well, I can think of a few things that might help manage your relationship when this happens. And trust me,  it will happen,  and it may even happen a lot. No, it WILL happen a lot.

For the ADHDer:

•  Be cognizant of your thoughts before you meet with someone.  
• Share with your friend/family member after you greet them, that you have so much to say and that you will try to stay on topic
• Ask your friend/family member to be patient with you
• Ask for help.  Ask for the friend/family member to remind you kindly to slow down and even help you to stay with the one topic before switching to the next.
• Before you meet, write out the topics you want to talk about so you won’t have your brain yelling at you about another topic,  and then before you know it,  you spew that out before you’re done with the present topic.  This way you won’t forget about the topic because it’s written down.  

For the neurotypical:

• Be patient
• Kindly ask, “Can we stay on this other subject for a few minutes before we move on to the next?  I have more to say.”
• Accept the unique brain wiring of your ADHD friend/family member and their brain is a fast moving machine.
• Ask kindly to slow down just a little bit so you can keep up.
• Ask what you can do to help them with the topic at hand.
• Marble at the ADHDers ability
• Be kind and think about what you say before you say it.  Remember that your ADHD loved one simply cannot help themselves.  Saying something hurtful will not go over well.
• Listen, listen, listen.

Another word about the word marvel.  It is simply amazing to be in the presence of an ADHD brain.  What goes on in that brain is just too complicated to understand,  unless you have one yourself.   I have heard more than one person ask Ryan what is going on inside his brain.  His answer is always, “You don’t want to know.”  Just imagine all of those neurons firing off at rapid speed, and then things tumbling out of his mouth, sometimes almost unintelligible  because his brain is working faster than his mouth.  It’s exhausting for us.  But I think it’s more exhausting for him.    

“There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.”     –  Mark Twain

….or overwhelm.  

Growing up, most of us didn’t have or need to make decisions.  Most of our decisions were, “What am I going to eat first, my cookie or my sandwich?”, or “What crayon colors am I going to use to color this picture?”  As we get older, we believe that we can’t wait to be an adult.  Noone will tell us what to do, where to go, how to behave, what to eat, what time to go to bed.  How awesome it will be to do what we want, when we want to.  Hmmmm, and then guess what actually happens?  We grow up.  And making decisions for everything is not all it’s cracked up to be.  

Right now, just think about all the daily decisions you have to make about you personally – what to wear , what to eat, bathing, etc.  You know, those things just to keep you alive. Add to that all the decisions you need to make about your education, your home, your partner or spouse, your work, your children (if you have any), your future, your car, your parents, your finances, your pets, your health etc.  Add to that your free time and fun and vacation time..  Now, add to that ADHD.  That ADHD has just added another layer of decisions and the difficulties in making them.  

If you are an adult, decisions come at you all the time, constantly, 24/7.  You can’t get away from it.   I’m sure you feel overwhelmed at times about what to do and how to do it.  Whatever it is.  You may even break down and yell – “I’m done, I can’t make any more decisions today.  Good night.  Good luck.  But, if you are neurodivergent, these feelings of overwhelm and overload come more quickly and are more pronounced and cause complete shut down.

Shut down;  the inability to take a single step forward is a common occurrence.  Often, the ADHDer can’t even begin to think about what their options are.  If asked what they want to do or which direction they want to go, or what they want to do next, the answer is so often, “I have no idea. I’m exhausted and can’t even think about what to do.”  They can become completely stuck and anxious and frustrated.  Often, they are so frozen with what to do, they will literally stop doing anything except what they find soothing.  That can be anything from reading a book, playing video games, watching movies, over eating, or even  scrolling through social media for hours on end.  Because you know, that is mindless.  

I have seen this in just about every ADHDer I have come in contact with, from Ryan to almost all of my clients that I coach, and even myself.  

How can the spell of decision overload be broken? Here’s a few ideas:

•  Communicate with a loved one, parent or friend and tell them what you’re experiencing.  
• Ask for help.  Again a loved one, parent, friend, coach, teacher or therapist.  Getting someone else’s input and perspective can help you logically plan and talk out the decision possibilities.  This can help to become unstuck.  
• Take a break.  Exercise or take a walk to clear your head
• Brain dump.  Just write everything that’s going on in your head over the decisions you need to make, as well as everything you’re feeling.
• When you get to the point of “you have just had enough” acknowledge it.  Tell yourself, “Yup, I need break!” and be mindful of what that break will look  like instead of crawling into your bed for hours.  Try to put a limit on that break.  Maybe use an alarm or timer. 
• Take a deep breath and ask yourself if you need to make the decision right now?  If you don’t, sit on it for a while and think about it later when you have a clearer head..  
• If you need to make a decision immediately,  still – take a breath and take a momentary pause, (unless it’s life or death!)  just so you can slow your brain down a bit.  If you still struggle with an answer, ask for more time, or call someone whom you trust.  
• Accept your unique brain wiring.  So often we compare ourselves to others and wonder why we can’t be “normal” (whatever that means!).  You are who you are and this just may be one of your “things” that makes you different.  That’s okay.   

Next time you get decision making overload, try one of the ideas above.  Or maybe  ask yourself what you think may work for you?  If you come up with other ideas, I’d love to hear about them.  Now I need to make some decisions about what I’m going to do this weekend.  Nope, I’m going to do some fun reading for awhile.  Thirty minutes ought to do it.  Putting the timer on now…….

I just can’t

Tomorrow is better

No time today

Can’t think about it

It’s not my fault

Please not today

It’s all just too much

I’m not going to finish

I need help

No,  I don’t need help

I’m hurting

Don’t push ne

You don’t understand

I’m sorry……

I love you

You can

Today is better

There’s plenty of time

Let’s think about it together

Accept your part

You can finish

I will help you

I’m here if you need me

I’m also hurting

Just trying to encourage you

You’re right, but I’m trying to understand

I’m sorry too

I love you

Have you ever tried to guilt someone into doing something?  Or tried to make someone feel guilty about something they did so that they will not do it again?  Or hinted to  the same person that they should feel bad about not doing something right?  Chances are you have,  especially if you are a parent and the person you’re trying to guilt is your child.  It might work.  It might not. How often do we stop and ask ourselves, why do we do this?  Is it because our parents did it to us?  Is it a power play?  Is it just another parenting tool that we all think is alright for us to use just because we are parents?  We want our kids to do the right thing.  Often we want them to do things that will make us happy.  Is it about us as parents or about them?  

But does guilt actually teach anything?  When we ask ourselves the question – “Why doesn’t my kid change when I’ve told them that if they don’t do XYZ , then they won’t be able to do  XYZ, or they will be seen as a loser, or they won’t have friends or……

 What if your child has ADHD and you try to guilt them into doing their homework, or cleaning their room, or telling you the truth, or to stop being so impulsive.  Asking them why they did something and telling them they are wrong or bad or dumb or lazy.  And often after we say these things we tell ourselves that maybe if our kid felt guilty or felt bad about what they did, they will just stop doing those things and change for the better .  

Good luck with that.  It won’t work.  Yes, the child may feel guilt, and they most definitely will feel bad.  But using guilt to insure change won’t EVER work.  It will just cause more angst in your kid, more feelings of unworthiness, more feelings of the “why am I like this?”  It just won’t have the effect you as a parent want, and in the long run cause more problems for the ADHDer.  The ADHDer will not be able to use that guilt you’re piling on to get them to change.  Only feelings of fear, unworthiness and helplessness will increase with the inability to make any kind of change.  

We as parents of  an ADHDer often are at a loss as to help our children make positive, lasting  changes.  But one of the most important things we need to learn is to not use guilt as a tool for change.   Using positive, encouraging words is a good place to start.  Giving our children praise when they do something well can foster a feeling of accomplishment.  Offering our help with tasks that we know our child “should” be able to do on their own, but know that they struggle with it can show our kid how much we love and accept them for who they are.  

If they are old enough, we can ask them how we can best support them in projects they are working on  or how we can support them in their personal relationships with others.  Letting them know we love them and want the best for them can give them a sense of security and trust.  Instead of saying “I can’t believe you did that”,  say “How can we help you figure out how do things differently next time?”  Find something positive to say first.  

I’ve been talking about using guilt with our ADHD children, but what about our ADHD significant others?  Newsflash – Guilt doesn’t work here either.  I don’t think I need to go into great detail here.  Just imagine an ADHDer who is often verbally yelled at by their neurotypical partner?  How does that make the ADHDer feel?  Verbally abused and  beaten down,   They know they struggle,  They know they need to change.  They know they need help.  They can’t change when all that they get is: “You don’t do anything right.  You don’t care.  If you loved me you would change.”  There’s two sides here.  The ADHDer will hopefully be able to  step up and be a self advocate and tell their partner  that they need help, and they need to be given patience and love and support in finding ways to change.  The neurotypical should show love, patience and understanding and be willing to help their partner find ways to be more successful.  

Personal experience has told me that trying to use guilt doesn’t work, and  I continue to be a work in progress.  I wonder if it’s something that is ingrained in me to believe that being a mother automatically gives me the right to use guilt to get my kids to do what I want them to.   Jokes abound about Jewish mother guilt, Catholic mother guilt, Italian mother guilt.  I think it’s just regular mother guilt.  Although come to think of it, my mother wasn’t in this camp.  I don’t know why and how she kept it at bay.  Unless she was a true master of guilt and I never knew she was using it.  Maybe I should study my past and how my mother got me to do things.  No.  Best to stay away from that.  I have an ADHDer.  No matter how sneaky I might be, guilt will not work on Ryan.  I need to continue to work on that and use the power of the pause and think about what I am going to say before I say it.  

In the end, most of us parents I believe commonly use guilt tactics without even realizing it.  Take a moment and think on this and ask yourself if you try to use guilt as a way to get someone in your life to do something or to change. .  And then think about what positive tools you can use instead.    

The idea of having your child home after a long year away at college is something that just about every parent looks forward to.  Being able to wrap your son or daughter in your arms, hugging them tight and telling them you’ve missed them and love them is a wonderful experience.  Often you have a special dinner to celebrate them completing their year and you might even spend a week cooking and baking all of their favorite foods.  Of course you’re also feeding them good nutritious meals that they probably have had very little of.

You allow them to have their downtime.  They sleep in, they see their friends who live close by, they play video games into the wee hours of the night.  Everyone is getting along well.  You’re happy they’re home and they’re happy they’re home.  It’s quite the honeymoon.

Then the honeymoon  ends.   You are still the parent.  They are still the child.  Your expectations of how this summer is going to look vs. the college kid’s expectations of how summer is going to look are very different.   Somehow, slipping back into previous roles before leaving for college isn’t working.  Sometimes the parent wants to go back to how it was.  But almost never does the college student want life to go back to how it was.  Most often the now “adult” college kid thinks that “hey, I’ve lived on my own for a year and I got to live my life how I wanted to.  I’m not a kid anymore and I want to be treated like an adult.  I want to do what I want.  I want to make my own rules.  I don’t think I should have to live by my parents rules.  On the flip side, the parents are thinking, “John is lazy,  He just wants to be left alone.  He won’t help around the house.  He thinks he can come and go as he pleases.  Who does he think he is?  He’s getting a free ride here.   He’s eating all of our food and not lifting a finger to help.”

If you are a parent with a college aged kid, or have had a college aged kid, or been a college kid yourself, you have probably lived this experience.  You probably at some point figured things out.  At least I hope you did.  

I find myself in this situation this summer.  Usually at the end of the school year, I post a short update on where Ryan is or where he will be for the summer.  This summer, for the first time since he started college, Ryan will be home all summer.  He doesn’t have an internship or a job.  This is a big challenge for Ryan, his dad and me.  My husband and I have had a wonderful year being empty nesters.  We have a routine.  Our home is peaceful and quiet.  I’m not sure who this is going to be harder on – Ryan or us.

Even though Ryan isn’t working or having an internship, he does have a lot of things to accomplish.  He’s taking summer classes, working on getting into better physical shape, going to many doctors appointments and taking care of things that have been building up, and not being able to take care of during the school year like re-evaluating his ADHD meds, as well as reconnecting with good friends that he hasn’t seen in quite a while.  I’m calling it the “Summer of Ryan”.  This summer will be a journey for Ryan to learn how to better take care of himself and learn the tools and what it takes to take care of himself not just in a college setting but as an adult.  

It can easily take someone with ADHD much longer to mature and figure out what life is all about.  It can be extraordinarily overwhelming to figure out how to take care of themselves in all aspects of life.  Hey- it’s hard enough for neurotypicals.   So often, I still need to take a step back and remind myself that just because Ryan is officially an adult chronologically speaking,  that he isn’t an adult in all aspects of his life and that this is OK.  Patience, understanding and a willingness to help when needed are what I need to help Ryan navigate his life and this summer especially.  It wasn’t the summer that I expected, wanted or asked for, but in the long run for Ryan and his family, it’s an important one.

And for those of you who find yourself in a similar situation?  Take a breath, communicate, and enjoy the time you have with your young adult.  And —Good Luck!

P.S.  I am on vacation and will have a new post on August 11.

“School’s out for summer!”  The iconic Alice Cooper song, sung at the top of our lungs  by my generation every last day of school was a given.  The next 3ish months were spent swimming, reading, hanging with friends, going to camp and just sleeping in.  Ahh the memories.  The break from homework, and not having to use our brains every day was so welcome.  This is a memory that every child should have, but increasingly it seems, this just doesn’t seem to be the case.  Just about everyday I see posts from parents on Social Media or in chat rooms, just losing their minds about what  and how they’re going to keep their kids active during the summer.  

Whether you’re a stay at home parent, a single full time working parent or part of a full time working couple, figuring out what you’re going to do to keep your kids busy all summer can be quite the challenge..  The questions vary from whether something is affordable (any kind of summer camp can be expensive, and sleepaway camp can be exorbitant) , to whether or not summer school is needed, or in the case of multiple children, having different activities for each child.   Mentally and emotionally it can be a strain.  Bottom line?  As wonderful as summer is for children, many times for parents it’s more stressful than when school is in session.  You may not have the homework, making sure they get to bed on time and getting them to school every morning,  but what do you do with them all day in the summer? 

Let’s add on the extra pressure of having a child with ADHD.  How do you find balance in helping your neurodivergent child have downtime, have fun, catch up on academics, have structure, get physical activity, catch up on doctor’s visits, plus deciding on whether or not to give the child a break from their meds?  

It’s this added layer of decisions, issues and challenges that can really trip up parents of an ADHD child.  And an even larger challenge if you add typical siblings to the mix.  

There’s two words of advice that I have for the parent(s) of an ADHDer when it comes to summer.  Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead!!  Okay, that’s  6 words!  Waiting until the last week of school to figure out the summer plans for your kid is just asking for a lot of added stress.  Please take it from someone (me) who has been down this road.  If you know in advance what your summer is going to look like, then you will be able to enjoy it better.  Your child(ren) will thank you and you will thank you.  You might even be able to fit in some special time for yourself.

I know, maybe I should have written about this sooner.  You might already find yourself behind the eight ball and are running around screaming like a mad person.   Alright – just stop a minute and breathe! There still might be time for you to change things.  First things first.

First, think twice about whether you want to give your child a break from their meds.  We tried giving Ryan  a break from meds for a short period one summer.  Really big mistake.  Ryan was/is impulsive.  It just didn’t work when he was at camp with other kids.  It was really unfair to him (not to mention those around him) when he acted out and when he just couldn’t control himself.  He couldn’t focus on an activity for very long.   He could not sit still,  and no one wanted to be around him.  At home, life became even more chaotic.  Ask yourself,  what is the purpose of giving your kid a break from their meds?   Do your own research about giving children a break from ADHD meds. Talk to other parents who have or have not given their children a break.  Talk to your health professional., and make sure they don’t just wave a hand and say “Sure, go ahead.  There’s nothing wrong with that.”  That’s not a fully informed discussion. Discussing the pros and cons should be fully addressed. 

Second, find activities that your ADHDer really really loves and has interest in doing.  If you choose a day camp that you think will be fun, but your kid has no interest in, be prepared for a challenge.  We found inexpensive, local parks and recreation programs that provided half day camps, covering a variety  of subjects that Ryan was interested in, as well as some physically active sports camps.  He attended summer school for a few years which was always just a half day to help him with catching up.  Afternoons were spent around water – whether going to the beach or going to the pool.    

Third, attempt to not overdo anything.  Keep things as simple as possible,  Keep a routine.  Keep to a bedtime schedule.  This will help the ADHDer know what’s coming next, will help them get the sleep they need, and prevent meltdowns,   Not scheduling too much will also help you -the parent.  You won’t be pulling your hair out or be overwhelmed.  Afterall, you want to enjoy the summer too. And remember, you don’t have to do it all.   Summer is  a time to reconnect with your kids, even if you work full time.  When you come home after a busy day at work, and your ADHD child has had a day that has met all of their physical and mental needs, they will be happy.  A bit tired perhaps, but your sun filled evenings will be a more relaxed evening.  

And by the way – Have a Happy and safe 4th of July!

“Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the job that it was too cold to do last winter.”

• Mark Twain

“I just want to be happy”

“I’m not happy”

“I just want my kids to be happy”

“It doesn’t make me happy, so I’m not going to do it”

“Happiness is one of my values, so I’m going to pursue it at all costs”

“When I get married, then I’ll be happy”

“When I have a child, then I’ll be happy”

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness…….”       Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

Pursuing happiness has been ingrained in American society since our declaration of independence from England.  But we have gone beyond that pursuing it to demanding  and expecting it.  Many feel that it is their right to BE happy, that nothing and noone should get in their way of happiness.   Many believe that if they aren’t happy, then they have done something wrong, or someone in their life has done them wrong.  

How did we jump from the pursuit of happiness to the expectation that we need to be happy and should be happy all the time?  I could go on and on about this disturbing trend, but I want to focus on how this way of thinking can be extremely detrimental to those who are neurodivergent.

If you have ADHD, you are already behind the eight ball when it comes to being happy.  You have to work extra hard  to accomplish things that may come easy for a neurotypical person.  You lack dopamine, so you need to find ways to increase it whether through medications and/or activities and tools that will help you increase that dopamine.  Frustration and even anger may take over your thoughts and you may ask yourself over and over again, “why aren’t I happy, and why can’t I be like everyone else, and why did this happen to me?”  

It’s  a long road to travel when you have ADHD.  Those around you may have the same expectations for you as they do the neurotypical.  Heck, maybe you do too.  But are you really being fair to yourself?  Being happy all the time is not possible, even for those who seem to be happy all the time.  And really, should being happy be what drives us?  Let me ask you this – if you have a goal to accomplish, will you be happy all the time while you’re working towards that accomplishment?  Won’t the road be difficult at times?  Won’t there be tasks and projects and classes that you might hate along the way to get to that goal?  Will you fail some classes and have to retake them?   Quite possibly..  Will you get back up and try again because your end goal is important?  Or will you stop because you just aren’t happy? 

 Having ADHD, you may find some of these challenges even harder.  You may not be happy, in fact you probably won’t be happy many times along the way.  But you are pursuing happiness.  You are pursuing your end game.  You are pursuing something that you are passionate about.   You are pursuing your goals.

To expect happiness all along the way is unhealthy.  Because you will never be happy all the time.  Possibly, though, what you can be, is hopeful,  contented,  grateful.  

Attempt to not expect to be happy all the time.  It’s an unreasonable goal.  Aim instead to pursue happiness, find joy, and find contentment. 

• Be grateful  that you are here, breathing and being alive every day
• Celebrate your small accomplishments every day.
• Do something you love to do every day.
• Do something for someone else every day- even if it’s just opening a door.
• Show yourself grace every day
• Accept your unique brain and get to know it
• Be content with what you have and who you are
• Work for what you want.  
• Ask for what you want,  but don’t demand it

Our forefathers got it right.  In the Declaration of Independence they didn’t demand happiness, nor did they say that happiness was an unalienable right.  They said that pursuing it was.

            “………for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.”

Philippians 4:11

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For the Fathers who face the daily struggle of living with a neurodivergent child :

When he doesn’t know how to help his child?

When he doesn’t understand the complexities of his child’s brain?

When he gets frustrated over his child not living up to their potential?

When he gets scared when he realizes that the family simply doesn’t have the financial resources to help his child?

When he just gets angry?

When he just wants his child to be “normal’?

When he needs to cry but doesn’t want to?

When he lacks the words of comfort he wants to provide for his children?

When he’s exhausted because he loses sleep at night because he’s worried?

When he’s still trying to figure out how his own brain works, let alone his child’s?

When he can’t be present at every teacher, doctor or IEP meeting because he has to work? 

When he comes home and finds chaos everywhere?

When he just wants a break?

When he doesn’t have the same connection with his children as their mother?

When he just wants to  yell at his kid because they aren’t doing something right, or turning in their homework on time, or just being belligerent?

A father can……..…

Love – yourself, your child, your spouse, your partner, the mother, the other parent.

Accept your child

Be curious

Hit the pause button

Breathe

Ask questions

Be patient

Be open

Communicate your difficulties to whomever will listen

Spend quality time with your neurodivergent child

Read anything you can get your hands on about your child

Hold your child

Just be there

Look for financial resources to help

Get counseling, therapy, coaching

Pray

Just be there

Give yourself a break

Discover employee law allowing time off for IEP’s  and doctor appointments

I’m sure I’ve left things out but I wanted to honor those fathers who have been given the gift and challenge of a neurodivergent child.  You are often left  in the background and suffer silently.  To you, I say, you are special, appreciated and loved. 

Happy Father’s Day!  

”My father was an amazing man.  The older I got, the smarter he got.”

-Mark Twain

In the theme of Jeff Foxworthy’s, “You just might be a redneck”, I offer the following:

If you go to the market to buy milk, but come back with twelve items you didn’t need, and forgot the milk, you just might have ADHD.

If the most used app on your Apple watch is “find my phone”, you just might have ADHD.

If you put water on to boil for cooking, and you forgot,  because of course you became involved in something else, you just might have ADHD.

If you leave the house to get in your car to go somewhere, but you have to return to the house repeatedly for your purse, your water, your sunglasses, etc, you just might have ADHD.

If you have a to do list for your to do list, you just might have ADHD.

If you can’t remember that you washed your hair while taking a shower, you wash your hair again, you just might have ADHD.

If you are in the middle of a conversation, and something catches your eye, you immediately focus on that thing and say, ‘Hey, look at that!”, you just might have ADHD.

If you are working on a project, and another project  pops into your head,  and you leave the first project  to work on the second, you just might have ADHD.

If your brain just won’t shut off when you’re trying to sleep, you just might have ADHD.

If you just can’t sit still in a meeting, a movie, a class, a religious service, a concert etc, you just might have ADHD.

If writing a tedious report is like sticking a needle in your eye, you just might have ADHD.

If your mantra is, “I’ll do it later”, you just might have ADHD. 

If you tell your friend, “I’ll be there in 10 minutes”, and thirty minutes later you’re just leaving the house, you just might have ADHD.

If you get bored with every job you’ve had after two years, you just might have ADHD.

If you find a new hobby every month and buy everything , and do everything that has to do with that hobby, you just might have ADHD.

If you buy something and immediately forget you bought it, you just might have ADHD.

If you need to get tasks done at your desk, but it’s so messy that you just can’t deal with it or figure out how to clean it up, so you don’t get your tasks done, you just might have ADHD,

If you’re always late because you have just one more thing to do before you leave the house, you just might have ADHD.

If you have just lost 7 hours of “doing nothing”, you spend the next hour in super focus and get everything done, you just might have ADHD

If you have superfocus on anything you love to do, you just might have ADHD

If you blurt out what you’re thinking without thinking about what you are about to say, you just might have ADHD.

If you fail, falter, struggle, and you continue to try, try again, and persist against all odds, you just might have ADHD.

In closing – the above is for comic relief and not a tool for diagnosis.  Neurotypicals may see themselves in some of the statements above.  Afterall, we are all human.  But, if you have ADHD or think you might, and see yourself in many of the above statements, then welcome to the club!  Please see your doctor for diagnosis