I’m taking a break from writing the blog until after New Year’s.  May you and your loved ones have a peaceful and memorable Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.  

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Let your heart be light

From now on

Our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Make the Yule-tide gay

From now on

Our troubles will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days

Happy golden days of yore

Faithful friends who are dear to us

Gather near to us once more

Through the years we all will be together

If the fates allow

Hang a shining star upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

Here we are as in olden days

Happy golden days of yore

Faithful friends who are dear to us

Gather near to us once more

Through the years

We all will be together

If the fates allow

So hang a shining star upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Songwriters: Ralph Blane / Hugh Martin

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas lyrics © Berlin Irving Music Corp., Emi Feist Catalog Inc.

The book “When You Give a Pig a Pancake”, written by Laura Numeroff and Illustrated by Felicia Bond, was the inspiration for me to write the following.  Laura Numeroff’s books were some of my children’s favorites.    If you haven’t read them, I encourage you to, and maybe you’ll enjoy them so much that you’ll want to share them with a special child in your life.  

If you give a boy with ADHD a compass, he’s going to want to go on an adventure.  He decides that you need to take him to a sporting goods store to get a map.

While he’s looking at the maps at the sporting goods store, he notices all the books about the adventure he has decided to go on, so he wants to read all of the books.  So you buy two books for him.  

While driving home, the boy starts to read the books and decides to research every single aspect about the adventure, and once home,  searches the internet about the adventure.

While searching the adventure on the internet, he realizes that he needs special clothes and equipment for the adventure, which means that you have to take him back to the sporting goods store to get all of the equipment and clothes.  

As he is getting ready to go back to the store, he says he can’t  find one of the books that he just got, so you have to help him find the book, so that he can take it with him in the car to read on the way back to the store.

On the drive back to the store, the boy notices a very cool car which reminds him of a transformer.  He has to tell you  all about the car and the transformer. 

 While he’s talking about the transformer, he notices that he has left a Legos toy on the seat next to him, which makes him want to get another Legos set.  He asks you to get him another set, and you tell him that he’ll have to wait for a new set until after his adventure.  

On the second trip to the sporting goods store, the boy finds all of the extra equipment that he needs for his adventure, plus five other things that he wants that have nothing to do with the Adventure.  You explain that you’re only getting what’s needed for the trip. 

As you are checking out, the boy sees trail mix and snack bars, which reminds him that he is hungry.  He asks for the trail mix, and you tell him that you will stop for lunch on the way home.

After you pick up the food for lunch, you take the food to a park, and while the boy is eating, he sees the climbing structure and decides he needs to climb it.  

Climbing reminds him of the adventure he was given and says he needs to go home and pack.  

As you help the boy pack for his adventure, he can’t seem to remember where the most important thing is.  And chances are, if the boy has ADHD, he’s going to need another compass.   

When Ryan was growing up, our family  holiday season began the weekend before Thanksgiving, when we took an annual trip to Disneyland with our good friends.  We’d be at Disneyland for three days, come home for a night or two and then drive to wherever my mother lived for Thanksgiving.  Once Thanksgiving was over, then the festivities for Hanukkah would begin (depending on when it landed on the calendar), latke fests, eight nights of gifts, candle lighting, and extended family bashes.  And then we had  all of the friends and office holiday parties, then Christmas – again traveling to wherever my mother lived at the time.  And finally New Year’s when we could possibly have  another trip somewhere.  We’d arrive home the day after New Year’s day to “rest”, just for our kids to go back to school in a day or two, and for us, the parents, to go back to work.  

It has always been one of the most exciting times for our family, this month of crazy.  But it hasn’t always been easy.  Well, actually it’s never been easy.  Early on, it was more physically exhausting, than mentally exhausting, but then Ryan became a walking and talking being and his ADHD became apparent.  

I’ve always refused to let Ryan’s differences stop our family from participating in events.  Even though there were times that I would truly dread them.  The extraordinary plans we would have to make in figuring out the many  “if this happens, then we do this _______ (fill in the blank) scenarios, trying to make sure that my husband and I would be on the same page, (didn’t always happen), the working on trying not to lose it  when my children would lose it, (again, didn’t always happen), the navigating all of the emotional ups and downs, trying to be a peacekeeper, trying to keep everyone as “happy” as possible, and praying that there would be no meltdowns.  (Well, there were always meltdowns of one sort or another.)  

Even if you have neurotypical kids, you may see yourself in the above paragraph.  Having a schedule like that can send anyone over the edge, but if you have a child like Ryan, that just adds one more layer to the madness of “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” You may ask, why did you do all of those things if they were so exhausting? Well,  I agree, it may seem crazy, but we refused to let the differences in our family prevent us from having a full life.  

One of the ways that we learned how to deal with it would be to  find the necessary downtime in the middle of it all. Rest time became a part of every day, even on the busiest ones.  Ryan needed physical and mental breaks.  His brain needed down time from all of the stimuli being thrown at him which also exhausted him physically.  We discovered that if he didn’t have downtime, then when he was truly exhausted, his behavior followed suit and meltdowns would ensue.   Sometimes that meant cutting visits or activities short.   If we were at parties, or dinners and we would start to see warning signs, then it was time for us to leave. As Ryan grew older, we started to plan ahead and decide how long we were going to stay.  Sometimes that meant leaving significantly earlier than other family members or guests, but it was better than the alternative and making a scene.

Winter break from school also would help us have downtime from all of the celebrations, and in between travel.    But, we would still set  up a schedule for Ryan so that he knew what we would be doing every day, even if it was a stay at home day.  Plenty of downtime interspersed with an activity or two, like going to the park, baking cookies, or seeing a movie was also scheduled.  Even bedtime was scheduled, as sleep was really important.  

And a word on travel.  We started car travel with our children when they were both infants, which I highly recommend.  Our trips during the holidays (beginning with Thanksgiving) could be 2-3 separate 6 hour one way trips.  Ryan surprisingly  became a very good traveler.  Planning ahead for him with activities that would keep him occupied became very important.  Games, books, family discussions, and then when he was older, hand held computer games.  Of course, I’m not saying it was perfect,  far from it!  We had some major meltdowns in the car, maybe a bit more than neurotypical kids.  But for us, it became our normal.  We just learned how to deal with them.  Not always effectively and some memories are pretty painful, but they never prevented us from trying again.  

I’m sure our family, friends and people we never knew, would look at us at times and shake their heads.  Would I change the way we did some things?  Sure.  But would I change our past holiday tradition?  No way.  Because you know what? Many of the bad events/memories are slowly fading, or at least we can laugh at some of them,  and all of the best ones grow brighter.  Which helps all of us to look forward to the following year’s holidays, and new memories.   

May this holiday season be filled with love, giving  and wonderful memories!

Happy Hanukkah,

Merry Christmas,

And Happy New Year!

“Where’s Ryan?”

“I don’t know.  He was right behind me a minute ago!”

Panic, fear, and what were we thinking?

I will make this a “picture this” story.  Disneyland, Tom Sawyer’s Island (when it was still called that), Ryan, six years old, and his sister, 8 years old.

That morning right after we walked into Disneyland, Ryan’s dad and I had a serious conversation with him:

“Ryan, here’s your hat.  On the underside of the bill is dad’s phone number.  Do you see it here?  If you get separated from us, find a cast member, tell them you don’t know where we are, but here is my dad’s number.  Please call him.  Now, what are you supposed to do if we get separated?”

“I take off my hat, show it to a cast member and ask them to call you.”

“Great, you got it, bud!”

We went on our way to enjoy a wonderful day at the happiest place on earth.  We had been there already many times, so we felt pretty confident that nothing would go awry with our visit.  But wouldn’t you know it, this day we would have an “event”.  It would be our first there, but not our last.

So back to Tom Sawyer’s Island…..For those of you who don’t know what the island is like, you take a small ferry over to the island, and then explore the various caves, and fort, and bridges that it has to offer.  One of the best things about the island are the caves with all kinds of twists and turns and entrances and exits.  Most of the time, there’s all kinds of people and kids coming in and out.  Once you’re inside, you can easily lose your way and come out in an area completely on the other side.  It’s easy to get “lost”.  If you have someone waiting for you in the place you went in, chances are you will not come out in the same area.            Our kids loved this island, and before they went into the caves, we told the two of them to stick together.  We specifically asked our daughter to make sure Ryan was always behind her.  Hey, guess what?  A while later, she came out and Ryan didn’t, hence the “Where’s Ryan?”  The question immediately came into my mind,  will he do what we asked him to do?  So my husband and I and our daughter split up, and two of us went in one entrance and the one of us went into another entrance.  We couldn’t find him.  For ten looooooonnnnnggggg minutes.  One part of me was truly frightened while another part of me knew that he couldn’t have gotten far, and another part of me was telling me that Ryan would actually do what we had asked him to do.  If you’ve ever been in a situation like this, then you know what I’m talking about.  We did not find him.  But – guess who did?  A cast member!  Who called my husband!  Because Ryan gave him his hat!  It worked!  Ryan was fine, we didn’t yell at him.  He did what we asked him to do.  Then we turned on his sister, which really wasn’t the best thing to do.  We should have never asked her to keep an eye on Ryan.  Not fair to her.  Why do we do this to older siblings?  And to older siblings of kids who have ADHD?  Really I feel sorry for older siblings, we always ask them to keep an eye on the younger ones.  But when those siblings are not neurotypical, it’s even harder..  

I learned a few things that day.  First, take the time out to think ahead and plan for an event like this.  Make sure that your non neurotypical kid has the tools to use when they get separated.  This is especially true for kids who have ADHD.  They have a hard time focusing when there are a million things pulling their brains in all kinds of directions, especially at a place like Disneyland.  Even if you’re holding their hand, there will always be a point in the day when you’re not,  Nor will it be appropriate when they reach a certain age to hold their hand.  And making sure once you give them the tools that they can verbalize back to you their understanding.  And second, try to not give another sibling charge over their ADHD sibling.  It’s just not fair.  Especially if something happens, and then you yell at them.  Oh, yeah, that will make them feel good!  Right!  

This event was the second time Ryan had gotten lost and it wasn’t his last.  In fact, he got lost a few years later again at Disneyland.  There was a group of ten of us, and all of us thought that someone was watching him.  Though true to form, Ryan had been listening and went to our meet up place and had a cast member call us.  You may think I’m a horrible parent.  How could I have let this happen?  Well, how about you just try it?  It’s easy to feel this way if you’ve never had or been around a child like Ryan.  At one point, I was even given the suggestion that we put him on a leash.  I don’t know how you all feel about that, but my son was not a dog or an animal.  I was going to do whatever I could do to not put a leash on him.  Yep, I feel pretty strongly about that stupid leash idea.  

I can look back on these events now and laugh about it.  I guess the bottom line here is for those of you who have the ADHD child, find the tools that will work best for them in situations like this.  And don’t beat yourself up when something like this does happen, because chances are, it will, through no fault of their own.  Come to think of it, that can be a really good trait in the right circumstances.  They just need the right tools.   For those of you who don’t have a child like Ryan, or are in the extended family of a child who has ADHD, be kind, supportive and helpful.  

Oh, and you just may be wondering about the first time Ryan got lost?  In a department store….playing  under a rack of clothes…..the whole store was shut down……..10 minutes.  Yep, I was that mother, with that kid…

As we welcome Thanksgiving Day on Thursday, I will post my thoughts on Wednesday instead of Friday.  May your Thanksgiving be full of thankfulness, love, and plenty of your favorite foods. 

When Ryan was born, I had high expectations of who he was going to be.  He was going to be a great athlete.  He was going to be brilliant.  He was going to love music.  He was going to excel in academics.  And he was going to be a loving and giving human being.  You know… the dreams that all parents have for their kids.  Afterall, they’re your kids!  How could they not be …..everything?  It’s quite an awakening isn’t it?  When your kid is just your kid, and they’re going to become who they are meant to become, of course with our help and guidance.  

Reality hit pretty quickly with Ryan.  Within a year and a half, I knew something was up.  Life was not going to be the wonderful easy road that I was expecting.  And I went through all of the stages of grief.  And I continued to go through them throughout Ryan’s childhood.  Even now, there are stages that I revisit as if they were old friends.  I needed to figure out how to manage all of these feelings of disappointment and sadness.  

Children are gifts.  Sometimes they’re the gifts we aren’t expecting and sometimes we don’t know what to do with them when we get them.  Often, it’s hard to be thankful for those gifts.  And we get a bit bitter that the giver didn’t “listen” to what we wanted or expected.  But unlike holiday or birthday presents, we can’t give our children back.  We have a choice.  We can live in denial, we can leave it up to others to “manage” them, or we can embrace who they are and be truly thankful to the maker and for the beings they are. 

Embracing a child with learning differences and being thankful for who they are is a difficult road.  I continue to ask, why us?   At times I still become bitter and angry about the road that we,  together with Ryan, have had to travel.  It’s not fair.  It’s not fun.   It’s hard.  But, the one thing that I have to do every day is be thankful. That Ryan is a gift, that there are so many positive attributes that Ryan has.  I am thankful that his road isn’t more difficult.  As a woman of faith, I thank God every day for the gift I’ve been given, and that I will do whatever it takes to guide and protect him.

I may not know why I’ve been given this special gift.  But I will take care of that gift  and maybe touch others who are going through the same experience as me.    

During this week of Thanksgiving, be thankful for the special gifts in your life.  You may be suffering physically or mentally, but if you are breathing, if you have food, if you have clothes, if you have family, then you have something to be thankful for.     

Oh, by the way, I did get one of my expectations for Ryan.  He is an incredibly loving and giving young man. (and he loves music!)  Which is more important than any other attribute.   I really couldn’t ask for anything more.

I’ve got plenty to be thankful for

I haven’t got a great big yacht

To sail from shore to shore

Still I’ve got plenty to be thankful for

I’ve got plenty to be thankful for

No private car, no caviar

No carpet on my floor

Still I’ve got plenty to be thankful for

I’ve got eyes to see with

Ears to hear with

Arms to hug with

Lips to kiss with

Someone to adore

How could anybody ask for more?

My needs are small, I buy them all

At the five and ten cent store

Oh, I’ve got plenty to be thankful for

Written by Irving Berlin

Sung by Bing Crosby in “Holiday Inn” 1942

I am so blessed/cursed to have 3 siblings.  Ryan is so blessed/cursed to have a sister.  How often do we have  these two opposite feelings?  We argue, we fight, we make up (sort of), we wish we were only children, we wish we would get along better, we wish we could see them more often, or we wish we saw them less.  We don’t understand what makes them tick.  We don’t understand who they are, and we wonder if we were all raised by the same parents.    

I would hazard a guess that every single one of my friends who have siblings have a complicated relationship with them.   If you ask the question, “How is your sister?”  It can often come with a loaded sigh.  And then a story comes out.  Sometimes the stories are funny, sometimes the stories are heartbreakingly sad.  

Imagine for a moment what your life would be like without your brothers or sisters.  What would it look like?  I think you might initially say it would be such a relief and so much better.  But I also think that the longer you think about it, you will say that your life would be less full and you’d be missing a part of yourself. 

I am significantly younger than my siblings.  I am the youngest.  My next sibling in age to me is six years older and my oldest sibling is twelve years older.  I had a very different experience growing up than they did.  Sometimes I feel like I was raised as an only child.  I’ve had a very different life experience than they have had.  When we are apart, which is often, I don’t miss them too much.  There’s been tension over the years between all of us, there have been shakes of heads, and I can’t believe they did that comments.  There have been a few times when someone isn’t speaking to someone, although that is always short lived.  On the whole, we get along and consider each other friends, even with the age differences, and we deeply love earth other.

This past weekend my husband and I were able to have dinner with my oldest sister and my brother along with their spouses.  As we were talking about our lives and our children and their grandchildren, my brother and sister complimented me on the blog, how meaningful it was to them and how proud they were that I was putting Ryan’s and our family’s story out there for all to see.  In this instant, I realized how much their support  was important to me.  I knew they loved me.  Their validation of what I am doing is just about the most important validation I can get.  They’re in my corner!  I’m so grateful and honored.  It was such a WOW moment for me. And I realized that if my siblings are for me, then that is one of the best gifts ever.

Ryan and his sister have a complicated relationship.  (You have read about it a bit in previous postings)  I have no doubt they love each other, but they most often don’t really like each other.  Being the mother of these two has been a blessing but so challenging.  I want them to like each other and get along.  As much as I try to run interference and at times beg and plead for them to get along, I can’t make them.  Yes, it really cuts deep, but I have to learn to back off and let them figure it out.  It is their journey, just as I have had my own with my siblings.   There are moments of brilliance when we are all together and getting along.  These are bright rays of hope, that someday, they can each meet in the middle and realize just how much they really do need each other, and that each of them is each other’s champion.  That time and effort and maturity can have a way of opening up new avenues for them.  They both need each other.  Just like I need my siblings.  I hope that they know and realize that they have a built in support system.  That no matter who they are, what they do, or what they say, that the blood of family can always trump the water of friends.  (Don’t get me wrong, there are friends who become family as well, but that’s another story.)  

I am not so naïve though to know that there are sibling relationships  that are so badly damaged, that there is no chance of reconciliation.  But, for those relationships that can be saved, do the work.  Find your way back, get therapy if needed, reach out, figure it out.  One day you may actually need them.  Do it before it’s too late.  

Siblings, who needs ‘em?  I do.  Ryan and his sister do.  What about you?  I hope you do. 

“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.” – Lemony Snicket

“Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.” – Sam Levenson

Who do you tell your secrets, problems, hopes and dreams to?  Your husband/wife, partner,  best friend, family members/friends, coworkers?   And how much do you share?  Everything?  Just bits and pieces?  Just enough so that the other person has a share in your  relationship?  And how much do you hide- out of fear of rejection, shame, misunderstanding or fear of reprisal? We are all faced daily with these decisions to disclose parts of our lives.  Some of us want to share it all and some of us don’t want to share anything.  

When you have a child who has learning differences, you get this extra dose of what and how much to share.  I know this.  Initially it’s almost a feeling of fight or flight.  Flight first- like when you get into a small fender bender and the other car owner isn’t there.  The first feeling is “I gotta get out of here!”  And then the feeling of no, I have to face it, (the fight) comes after.  So in the sharing department, it’s “I don’t want anyone to know that my child has problems’!”  Shame, hiding, and the need to feel that your child is OK and normal. Hey, if we don’t tell anyone, then no one will ever know, and life will be just great. Well this decision was pretty much taken out of our hands.  It was obvious to anyone who spent time with Ryan, that there was something going on.   So we had to tell.  But how much and at what cost?  

Telling some people can backfire.  The information can be used as rumors, or to share the information with others that you don’t want to know.  And it can be used against you and your child. I’ve learned this first hand.  I’ve learned that there are some adults who are still in middle or high school and can’t help but use information to hurt others and make themselves feel better.   On a whole, my husband and I have been fairly open about Ryan.  I say fairly, not completely.  There are still things that we keep close to the vest.  Although some of those things have come out in this blog and in the writing of the book.  And there’s other loved ones to protect like our daughter.  My rule of thumb has been if it helps others to understand who Ryan is and what our family is going through, or if it can help others who are dealing with similar children, then I share. If it’s going to cause harm in some way, then I don’t.  

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s nobody’s business, unless you want to share.  But, if you don’t talk to someone about it, or don’t share your struggles or your child’s issues, that can be even worse.  There are some things that can only be hidden for so long.  And the stress of holding and hiding it all will wear on you and the rest of your family.  And chances are, someone is going to ask you what’s going on anyways.  

You might also find that you and the other parent of your child have different ideas on what to share and what not to share.  I’m much more open about sharing personal information than my husband, who is much more private. It’s important to communicate what the expectations are between the two of you.  Try to be on the same page.  And if you are completely opposite in your ideas of what to share, then maybe you should talk it out with a therapist. 

Sometimes talking about Ryan has been exhausting.  Sometimes it’s been cathartic.  I’ve cried in my friend’s arms.   I’ve babbled on and on and on just to get everything out whatt I’m feeling. .  I’m grateful and thankful for those friends in my life that I can share just about anything with.  They don’t always understand what I’m going through, but they listen and question and  are willing to listen and learn about Ryan and our family life.  

A big part of the reason that I’m writing a book and writing this blog is to share with as many people as possible what raising Ryan has been like and about.  I do want to help others navigate their life with information.  I want them to know that they are not alone.  I want them to know that there is someone who can help them.  I want them to know that it can feel lonely and frustrating and just plain awful.  And I want them to know that there is hope.  I want there to be as full disclosure as possible in the writing of this blog and the book. Because honesty and putting it all out there is the only way to show true reality.  It’s hard.  Sometimes I want to sugar coat it.  But I won’t    Oh, and Ryan is all in on this as well.  I wouldn’t be doing this without his blessing.  He’s a pretty incredible son, with all of his beautiful differences.  

And for a fun quote which could have been written by either Ryan or my husband…..

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”

Mark Twain

Didn’t what?  Didn’t love her children? No.   Didn’t care for her children? No. Didn’t send them to school warm enough?  No.   Didn’t overschedule her children’s time?  Wait…. That’s it!!!!  How many children do you know who have so many activities outside of school, that they have no down time?  How many children do you know have barely enough time to do their homework, let alone get enough sleep, and let alone have any extra time to spend time with their extended families?  How many families do you know have such a busy schedule, that if you want to get together with them, you have to make plans 3 months ahead of time, and even then, can’t really count on them until the week before?  Well, I’m the mother who didn’t.  I’m the mother who realized early on that Ryan wasn’t going to be able to participate in all the activities that many of his friends were a part of.  

This post is not about bashing parents or being judgmental.  It’s about knowing your kids.  It’s about accepting your children for who they are and knowing and acting on what’s best for your kids.  It’s about figuring out what’s truly important for your family.  And it’s about not bending to the will of other parents and society who say that the more a kid does, the better off they will be in the future.  

We live in Southern California.  The center of all things, all the time.  The too much, too many, over the top existence.  My husband and I were both born and raised here.  But let me tell you, life was not like this here when we were growing up.  Life was much simpler. The only activities we had were our religious institutions, maybe a sport and maybe musical instrument lessons, and that’s if our parents could afford it.   My husband and I had no idea what awaited us when we had kids.  We were at least fortunate enough to buy a house in a community where our kids would be able to attend public school,  but we had no idea that most of the other families in our area would be on the “all activities, all the time train’.  And that would be the norm.  And that if our kids weren’t in all of these activities, then they would be missing out on the standards expected for their classmates.  Not to mention that we just simply couldn’t afford it.  

We learned early on that Ryan was not the kid who could juggle too many activities at once.  HIs brain and body just couldn’t do it.  We tried and we learned the hard way.  It wasn’t easy to learn and we continued to add activities,   and then Ryan would come crashing down.  His behavior became worse than normal.  We had to fight with him to do anything.  He was exhausted all the time.  It’s a funny thing what we as parents do to our kids.  Our expectations, our wanting to make our kids into the best human beings they can be, is all about us, not them.  I even saw this behavior in many of my friends when Ryan was younger.

Example.  A friend of mine was complaining that her daughter wanted to be on a cheerleading squad because all of her friends were  doing it.  This girl, similar to Ryan in her learning differences, was already in numerous other activities with this same group of friends.  The mom believed that if she didn’t join in that she would lose out and become ostracized or “forgotten” by her friends.  (Not just the daughter’s friends, but my friend was also afraid that she’d be forgotten by the friends’ mothers.)  So who was this about?  Well, it was about her daughter and her.  I asked the mom how her daughter was doing, iIn school, in her home life, etc?.  Well, the girl was struggling in all aspects of her life. I asked her if this was the best thing for her?  And the answer was, “I just want her to be happy.”  And then she asked what I thought about it.  And it dawned on me.  We have to know and understand our kids.  We need to put our own expectations and wants and desires for our kids on the back burner.  We need to understand what’s best for THEM.  And we need to help them understand the importance of being healthy.  Yes, they may lose friends.  But the friends they keep will be friends whose parents are your friends who will care for and have compassion for your child and for you.  If they don’t have these qualities, they aren’t your friends.  Your number one priority is your child and your family.  

Just a short word on siblings.  This situation is made more difficult when there is more than one child.  Your other children may do fine with more activities.  It does become a bit of a conundrum. We all want to raise our children the same.  But it’s just not possible especially when you have a child who is not neurotypical.  It just adds another layer of difficult parenting.  You will definitely need to be open and honest with all of your children about why some siblings are allowed to do more activities than others.  They may not understand.  Just be loving and honest.  Believe me, I’ve been there.  

In a world where more is better, make the choice to do what’s best.  Yes, there may be lost opportunities, and you may look back with regret and say that you wish you had done something different. (Correction – you WILL look back and say you wish you had done some  things differently!)  I know that I do.  But when it comes to the choice of limiting Ryan’s activities, I wouldn’t change a thing.  No, he didn’t learn how to play an instrument, and no,  he didn’t learn how to play baseball or tennis, but the things he did learn were right for him and the right amount.  And some things he tried weren’t the right things, but we found that out soon enough.  

Know your child.  Your child may be able to handle a lot of activities just fine, or if your child has learning differences like Ryan,  chances are, they won’t. And that’s OK.   

Stay tuned for a post about finding the right activities for Ryan  and our foray into the hits and misses. 

“Moooommmmm!!!  I need you right now!  Where are you?  I need your help!” “Moooommmmm!!!”  I’m with my daughter and hear Ryan yelling for me.  My daughter looks at me and rolls her eyes.  I’m trying to spend a little bit of time with her.  My husband is also in the other room.  But can Ryan ask him for help?  No.  He has to have me.  “Ryan, I call back, can you please have your dad help you?  I’m with your sister.”  “No!” he yells.  I call for my husband, “Can you please deal with him?”  “Sure,” he says.  At this, Ryan throws a bit of a fit.  

It was LOUD in my house when Ryan was growing up.  Lots of yelling, lots of pleading, lots of crying.  Not just him, but all of us.

LIving in a family with a child with ADHD and LD can be a challenge, with incredible highs and soul wrenching lows.  

If you let it, a home with a child with ADHD and LD can be all consuming.  To the point of neglecting a spouse, another child or yourself.  All of this happened in our family.  There were times when weeks would pass without realizing  it.  At times, the  communication in the house was only focused on getting through another day.  Exhaustion would set in, 

It’s so very easy to forget about others in the house:  Your other children, your spouse, yourself.  If you don’t figure out  a way to find balance,  soon enough, the family can  and will fall apart.

The divorce rate is higher in families with special needs children.  This includes those with learning differences.  Often, parents are on different wavelengths in how to manage their children, and sometimes one parent refuses to accept that their child is different.   Your other children feel like they don’t matter and start acting out to get attention, or they may just shut down.  How does a family manage it?  How can there be balance?  How can you help your other children feel like they matter?  And how do you hold together a marriage?  

Our family dynamic has not always been healthy.  Even today, with Ryan off to college and our adult daughter doing her thing out there in the world, when we get together, it can still be a difficult dance.  We’ve been through some very dark times, but with a lot of work, we have been able to use tools to make our family work as best as it can.

Family, as well as individual therapy has helped a great deal.  It’s a safe place to get all of the feelings and anguish out.  A good therapist can help you learn more effective communication skills, and learn how to use better choice in words and tone. Learning how to be calm in a storm and being able to take a breath before speaking whatever is on your mind is one of the most important skills to learn.  (We are experts in snarkiness in our family – so this is something that we constantly work on!)    

Becoming a good listener is also key.  Not only being a good listener to the child with LD, but also to your other children, who truly often take a backseat and many times are forgotten.  Listening to your spouse, and being more aware of their needs is vital if you want your marriage to last.  And of course, you also need to listen to yourself.  

Work on spending special time with your other children away from your LD child.  Encourage them to talk about what is bothering them, Figure out what their needs are and what will help them manage their own special role in the family.  

Go on date nights with your spouse.  Don’t forget that without them, you would not have your special child.  If you can, try to get away for a few nights without your children.  If you have grandparents or special friends who can stay with your children, do that!  Or, if you aren’t able to spend time away, then have your children spend the night with those grandparents and have a stay at home vacation for a night or two.  My husband and I were able to take small vacations, 2 day weekends, and sometimes just a night at home alone.  It was a wonderful time just to reconnect. 

Finally, take care of yourself.  I know that I need respite.  Even an hour or two at a local coffee shop with my book can give me a much needed break.  And, don’t forget about your physical health.  Years can go by in a blink of an eye, and all of a sudden you realize you haven’t seen a doctor or the dentist in who knows how long!

Even through all of the difficult times our family has gone through, I wouldn’t change it.  It’s made us who we are.  We are able to manage any storm, although sometimes with mental bumps and bruises.  It still takes a lot of work.   We still break down and cry sometimes, we still feel  loss sometimes, but we are resilient and we love each other unconditionally. 

Family  

Family, singing in the kitchen

Family, running through the yard

Family, going on vacation

Family, on the credit card

Family, all in this together

Family, we’re taking a chance

Family, like birds of a feather

Family, kick off your shoes and dance

Family, on the way to the city

Family, laughing in the rain

Family, it ain’t always pretty

Family, can drive you insane

Family, got the keys to the kingdom

Family, take it a la carte

Family, all four seasons

Family, well bless your heart

You don’t choose em, you can’t lose em

We all have a song to sing

Some are crazy, some are amazing

All got a little bit of everything

Family, sons and daughters

Family, like a photograph

Family, baptized in the water

Family, put me on the map

Family, all in this together

Family, we’re taking a chance

Family, like birds of a feather

Family, kick off your shoes and dance

Your shoes and dance

Kick off your shoes and dance

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Drew Holcomb

This is part 2 of my post on ADHD, Please continue to celebrate ADHD month, and share with anyone who might benefit from reading this post. 

“Ryan has ADHD?”  “He…..

• …must be dumb
• …must be stupid
• …seems to be able to focus well on playing games or legos, so he really doesn’t have ADHD does he?  
• …is a boy.  All boys are hyperactive
• …will grow out of it won’t he?
• …he doesn’t seem hyperactive
• ….shouldn’t be on meds
• …should be on meds, as that’s the only treatment for it
• ….shouldn’t let anyone know he has ADHD
• ….shouldn’t be labeled
• …..won’t ever go to college
• ….won’t ever be successful
• ….is just lazy
• ….is just using an excuse
• …doesn’t have ADHD.  It’s not a real diagnosis.  You’re not parenting him right.”

Ugh!  We have heard all of these from family, friends and strangers.  Do you know how damaging these statements can be? Just think about the child with ADHD who starts to believe they are dumb, or stupid, or lazy.  Just think about the adult, who hasn’t been officially diagnosed because they believe these statements about themselves.   As a parent of a now adult with ADHD, it can be  absolutely exhausting to educate and explain how wrong these statements are.  So in this post, I want to dispel these stereotypes.  

He must be dumb, he must be stupid:  Having ADHD has nothing to do with IQ.  Most children with ADHD actually are extremely bright.  They just think differently and don’t typically fit into the box of our educational system.  The key here is to help them and give them the tools necessary to be successful in their educational journey.

He can focus so well on playing games or legos, so he really doesn’t have ADHD:  Many children/adults with ADHD have the ability to hyperfocus on activities they are interested in.  It is actually one of the symptoms of ADHD.

He is a boy.  All boys are hyperactive: Ok, well that’s just simply not true.  That said, Ryan was hyperactive as a young child.  Also, boys are diagnosed at a higher rate than girls.  But girls can be diagnosed with ADHD as well, and are propably underdiagnosed. 

He will grow out of it won’t he?  Simply, no.  But, there are tools that Ryan has learned and continues to learn to help him manage himself, and in the meantime, is still on meds.  He may always be on meds or he may not.  Only time will tell how he continues to develop and learn life skills.

He doesn’t seem hyperactive anymore: The hyperactivity is in his brain.  As Ryan has gotten older, the physical hyperactivity has pretty much disappeared.  His brain is a big ole mess of zoom.  It’s busy in there.  As he said “my brain is running laps around me”.  That hyperactivity won’t ever go away. 

He shouldn’t be on meds/should be on meds:: Of course this is a personal decision for the parents or for the adult to be on medications.  Many people seem to think that being on stimulants will either make the person a zombie or addicted.  While it is true that there are side effects to ADHD medication, if the right dosage and drug are found, then the benefits outweigh the side effects.  No child should ever be a zombie.  That means the dose is way too high.  It is also true that it may take some time in finding the right medication and the right dose, and that changes will continue to be made as the child grows.  As far as addiction is concerned, Ryan has been on meds since he was six years old.  He has no evidence of addiction.

He shouldn’t let anyone know he has ADHD/he shouldn’t be labeled:  Some think that if you get labeled, or tell people, then you will be treated differently.  Many kids don’t want to be different.  (Read my post on labeling).  It is true that you will be most likely treated differently, but the benefits of being treated differently far outweigh the struggles the person will have to go through without others knowing.   If no one knows, then how are you going to get the help needed?  Chances are you will really struggle.  Who wants to struggle?  Without letting people know that Ryan had ADHD, who knows where he would be today?  There are laws to protect and help those who identify their disabilities, whether to an employer or school.  (I have to use the term disability here, as that is how it’s identified in the law.  I would prefer to use the term difference.) I also want to mention that if a child struggles with letting others know, then having them meet with a therapist to learn how to become a self advocate, to work on their self esteem and become proud of who they are, is an incredible step in their journey.  As parents, my husband and I never shied away from having Ryan be a full participant in his therapy and his struggles.  He has fully embraced who he is.

He won’t ever go to college/won’t be successful:  This is just plainly an ignorant statement.  But, a person with ADHD will struggle more and have to work much harder than a neurotypical person.  This again is where identifying oneself with ADHD and having that label will help.  You can also search on the internet to see how many famous people have ADHD.  It kind of blows this statement out of the water.

He is just lazy/just making excuses:  This one kills me.  This one was used on Ryan when he told a boss that he had ADHD and that it would take him longer to finish a task.  Needless to say, that didn’t go over well.  Ryan could have taken action against his employer legally.  

He doesn’t have ADHD.  ADHD isn’t real.  You’re not parenting him right. Yes, this was literally  said to me by a family member.   Really painful.   Simply put- it is a neurodevelopmental disorder with it’s own DSM-5 diagnosis.  It is a true medical diagnosis.  So there!