I forgot to pay my phone bill, now I have late fees

I forgot to pay my electric bill.  Now my electricity has been turned off and I have to pay extra fees to have it turned back on.

I forgot to turn in my assignment.  Now my professor will only give me partial credit or no credit at all

I stayed up all night to study for my final because I hadn’t even started to study for it.  Now I’ve had no sleep and don’t think I’ll pass the final because I’m so tired.

I have spent so much money on gaming.  I had no idea how much I spent until I tried to get money out of the ATM and there was nothing left in my account.  

My husband asked me to fill out the bank form, and I keep on forgetting or putting it off and now he’s mad at me because I continue to promise things and can never follow through.

My taxes are due?  Where did the time go?  Oh no, I’m going to lose sleep over this too.  And then I’m going to have to pay a late fee.  And my wife is going to yell at me and not talk to me.  

My boss is fed up with me for not getting those reports in again.  I’ve been written up twice already.  This time, I will be fired.  My ADHD is out of control.  I need help!!!  

ADHD is costing the above person/people  more time, more money, and more problems with their  significant other, and now it’s cost them their job.  This phenomenon is known as the ADHD tax. That tax is not only monetary, but educational, emotional and mental.  And maybe most importantly, it can cost many ADHDers their relationships.  

I have yet to meet someone with ADHD who doesn’t suffer from some kind of ADHD tax.  And each one of those people struggle with it in different ways.  Many like Ryan have struggled with the tax in every aspect of their life.  And although some of the above statements have come directly from Ryan, he has learned some tools and found supports to help him prevent that ADHD tax.

Poor executive functioning is one very big  cause of the ADHD tax.  The inability to be organized, manage time, initiate tasks, as well as having poor working memory all play a part.  And of course having little to no interest to work on certain tasks is a key trait of those with ADHD.   If the ADHDer doesn’t learn to manage their executive functioning issues, then there can be long lasting effects from these issues arising over and over again.  And then you have mental health issues of the ADHDer feeling like they can’t do anything right.  It can set them up for anxiety and depression. 

Identifying and diagnosing ADHD is so important.  The earlier it’s recognized, the sooner treatment, therapy and coaching can begin.  Learning about the ADHDers strengths, values  and areas of needed executive functioning support will set up the ADHDer for success.  

For  Ryan, and many other ADHDers, it takes time to uncover areas where support may be needed.  New issues have arisen as he has matured and learned how to be a responsible adult in more areas of his life.   Some tools that Ryan has used are  using notes and reminders in his phone, using timers, and using written as well as his phone calendar.  Of course using an academic coach has been invaluable for him.  Without his coach, he’d definitely not be successful in college.  (Thanks, Jade!)  Things still occasionally  fall between the cracks and life isn’t perfect, and at times, old tools no longer work, and new ones need to be discovered.  But at least he’s on the right track.   

Naturally, Ryan’s dad and I are also one of Ryan’s support systems.  We help him manage his finances, we remind him to watch his funds, as well as remind him when things are due.  

Finding supports and other systems can be invaluable for adults with ADHD. One of the best tools available now  is automatic bill payment. This is one of the best tools that have become available for those with ADHD.  I also  know a woman who uses a financial advisor who gives her a weekly allowance.  She simply cannot manage her money.  This is wonderful for someone who can afford to do that.  But if she didn’t have this advisor, she may not have any money at all.  So the payoff is to her benefit, financially and mentally.  

In regards to relationships, the ADHD tax can be  large.  The awareness that an ADHDer has about their issues and the willingness to share their issues with their  partners and employers is  paramount to their success.  Understanding that they may need extra support and tools to help them be successful is a great step in becoming a more present partner and good employee. This should never be viewed as a weakness.  It is a strength to admit their struggles and be a self advocate.  This will  help them find the help and tools they need to be successful.  

“The only certainties in life are death and taxes”

Mark Twain

Everyone feels overwhelmed at least once in their lives, whether we’re neurotypical or not.  Even as a neurotypical, those overwhelming moments and times can be quite debilitating.  They can be difficult to find a way out of and help is often needed to  find a way out of those intense moments.  

There is a difference however between being overwhelmed and being IN overwhelm.  Being overwhelmed is when we often have too much on our plates, or have a lot to accomplish and it’s short lived and momentary.  We can often find a way out if we can stop and manage our thoughts, write things down, talk to a friend to get a hold of these feelings, or just get through the overwhelming moment in time,  such as when we’ve got a big event or project looming.  

Overwhelm though is being overwhelmed on steroids for the ADHD brain.  It’s the inability to act or move forward. For instance, when Ryan is juggling too many things, he becomes anxious, unable to make decisions, gets stuck in how to organize and prioritize tasks, and has difficulty  managing his emotions.   He also becomes hypersensitive to comments and suggestions made by others and struggles to remain calm.  This isn’t weakness on his part, it’s his brain wiring.

The ADHDers nervous system is rarely at rest.  Stimuli are coming at it in all directions and often the ADHDer is unable to manage all of that stimuli.  They are unable to screen that input nor are they able to figure out what input is important and that input isn’t important.  So if the ADHDer is trying to manage physical stimuli, emotional stimuli, educational stimuli and internal stimuli, it’s no wonder that things explode and overwhelm sets in.  It should be no surprise then that ADHDer might explode  and/or completely shut down?  Overwhelm is extraordinarily difficult for a neurodivergent brain to manage.  

Recognizing the signs of overwhelm can be very helpful in managing it.  For Ryan, we often didn’t realize he was in overwhelm until the blow up stage and then we had to walk backwards to figure out what was going on.  Now, we try to stay ahead of it and help him to stay below his boiling point.  Ryan has also discovered through his college experience with his school coach that carrying a less than full educational load will set him up for better success, and keep him more grounded and able to manage his life better.  Taking breaks when working on projects, breaking down tasks in simple chunks, planning his schedule ahead of time  and keeping his life as simple as possible has helped him.  

For me, when I find myself in overwhelm, I will often shut down.  I won’t move forward.  I will pick up a book and read for hours, or watch an inordinate amount of television or play computer games.  There is nothing I want more than to be left alone and remove myself from reality.  I eventually crawl out and face the tasks that I need to accomplish. I feel that my brain just needs to rest and then reset.  Other times, I will want to work on a large task, like cleaning up the garage and I walk into the garage, and just stare at it, not knowing where to start, so I just walk back into the house and tell myself that I’m just going to work on it another day.  I’m learning to ask for help from my husband to help me decide where to start.  I have also learned that writing  a to do list and then prioritizing those tasks have helped..  And most importantly, I take a pause and breathe.  There’s nothing better than the power of the pause.   

If you find yourself in overwhelm, consider using one of the tools above, or maybe find a friend, a loved one or a coach to help you learn how to manage your fabulous brain.  And on the flip side, if you live with an ADHDer, be patient, be kind and be a support to them.  Ask them if you can help them.  Sometimes they may tell you they don’t even know where to begin.  But being by their side as they are in overwhelm and processing what they might need, will be a gift to them.  

“Plain question and plain answer make the shortest road out of most perplexities.”.    Life on the Mississippi (1883) by Mark Twain

I’m not ready yet…….

Just give me 5 more minutes…….10 minutes later…..Just give me 5 more minutes

Just let me do a few  more things……..

I’ll be there in 10 minutes……..

Oh, I can do one more thing before I leave, I can still be there on time……

Oh,  I forgot to feed the dog…..

Oh no, I thought I had been playing the game for only 10 minutes, now 2 hours have gone by

What do you mean it’s time to go?  You just told me we were leaving in 10 minutes.  Huh?  It’s 20 minutes later?  

Where did the time go?

Sorry, I’m so late…..

Oh no,  I thought it would only take me 30 minutes to do that project.  

All the statements above I have heard from Ryan.  All the statements above are examples of Time Blindness, the over or under estimating the amount of time a task will take, or how much time is left before an event.  Even if a person can tell time, it is difficult for them to understand the measurement of  minutes or hours, and it is often a struggle for someone who has ADHD.

When living with, working with or having good friends who have time blindness, it can be extraordinarily frustrating.  I think of the couple who are getting ready to go out, and one of them is ready to go on time,  and the other is never ready to go on time., which almost always makes them late to wherever it is they are going.  Or, the person (me), who turns on the kettle and forgets it’s on, to just notice  an hour later that ooops, I forgot I had put it on and I just happen to go back  into the kitchen and realize there’s no water left in the kettle.   And how about thinking you have a few minutes to google a topic, and then to realize later that three hours have now gone by. And then there’s this: You think it will only take you thirty minutes to finish a project you have promised your boss  and three hours later, it’s still not finished.  

Imagine how difficult it is for the ADHDer who deals with this. It can be embarrassing at the least and it can cause the ADHDer to lose their job, lose relationships and/or fail classes, at its worst..  Realizing that it’s not done on purpose, and that  the neurodivergent brain is  responsible for this time blindness is a first step in figuring out how to help the person with that time blindness.      

So, what to do?  Finding what will work for the ADHDer to help manage their time blindness can help. For Ryan, various things have worked over the years.  Simple things like physical timers placed in different areas in the room, so that he would have to get up to turn it off helped when he was young.  Giving him verbal time warnings when we were getting ready to go somewhere was always helpful and having a set schedule and routines for school was a life saver.  As he grew older, we implemented a written schedule in a planner with times attached.  Using his phone as an alarm has also helped.  Putting reminders with time frames in his phone has also helped.  Chances are, he will always struggle with time blindness, but he will always have tools to use to help him.  

As I’ve learned more about time blindness, I have discovered my own issues with it.  I tend to be unaware of time when I start researching a specific topic on the internet.  I often lose time as I skip from one topic to another and then realize an hour or more has gone by.  And then I get mad at myself, which is what people with time blindness often do.  So now I  set a timer before I start, to give me the jolt I need to get out of my deep focus.  

If you struggle with tine blindness or know someone who does, and you beat yourself up over it or you verbally beat your loved one over it, there’s hope for you and them.  You can use some of the tools above, or you can discover what may work better for you by researching tools yourself  (Just make sure to set a timer!) Or work with a coach who will collaborate with you to find what will work for your unique brain.  

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“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”

Mark Twain

If you haven’t read this post, here is another opportunity for you to do so. Black and white thinking can be a real challenge for those with ADHD.

“But, my teacher said it has to be done this way”, he says.  “Well, let’s take a look at the directions and double check that, because it doesn’t quite make sense”, I say.  “No, I know for sure that it’s this way, and we don’t need to look at the directions”, he says.  And here we go, around and around, until it becomes a yelling match.  Unable to budge, unable to stop, unable to be flexible,  unable to accept that there might be another way to look at something. 

The Cambridge dictionary defines black and white thinking as : To have a simple view of right or wrong or good and bad.

People with ADHD often have this cognitive distortion.  Ryan again, has it in spades.  He knows he does, but in the heat of the moment, it’s very hard for him to stop and breathe and take a moment.  Sometimes we can catch it early enough, but we have to be thinking on our feet almost all of the time.  And when I say we, this includes Ryan. 

Of course, any typical kid who is a teenager or young adult, can be this way with his or her parents or an authority figure.  It’s quite expected, but this behavior in those with ADHD  is like being on steroids.  And I’m sure some of us have come across adults in our lives who are like this too.  Some people with OCD also can have this trait. 

I’m going to try and flip it on its head for a moment and see if there are any positives about it, and then I’ll talk more about the negatives.

If you’re really passionate about something and you know without a shadow of a doubt that you’re right, this trait can come across as someone who stands firm in their belief.  This can be good in a religious sense, or a social justice sense, and a political sense, and a health sense.  (Yes, you say, but that can be a negative thing too….I’ll get to that in a bit.)  We need people in this world who have real convictions to make a change.  Another positive thing about  black and white thinking is one’s black and white sense of good and bad in their own ethical or moral life. (Again, yes, that could be negative too, but please be patient.)   Honestly, I can’t think of anything else on the positive side of this way of thinking,  and even the positives can really cause issues, right?

This trait can cause all kinds of angst in relationships.  I do know that Ryan got this from me.  I grew up thinking in  a black and white world.  Gray did not exist.  And to this day, I struggle with my black and white judgmental attitude.  I am aware of it and I work on it daily.  I’m sure I’ve lost friends over my inability to accept faults, or decisions my friends have made.  I open my mouth, and tell friends what I think, without thinking before I speak.  Not until I got in to college and went to nursing school, did I begin to realize that life just isn’t black and white, there’s lots of gray.  I needed to learn realize that I wasn’t the expert in everything nor did I know everything.  People had different life experiences, and what was right for me, wasn’t necessarily right for them.  People don’t want to be around know it alls and blowhards.  It’s a difficult lesson to learn about oneself.  So again, it comes down to keeping friends.  It also comes down to being heard and accepted when you might want to make a  political, ethical, religious or social justice stand.  People with black and white thinking sometimes can be really over the top obnoxious and pushy.  Is anyone really going to listen to you?  The only ones who will listen will be your “choir”.  If you want to make a change or have people listen, you need to come from a place of humility and kindness.  Find out more about the “opposition”, their experiences, their education.  Get to know them.  Their black and white can become your gray.  Jane Goodall has said, “You have to reach the hearts and minds of people in order to make change.”  What a wonderful philosophy. 

OK, I’ve gotten off track a little.  It’s the COVID-19 stay in place order talking.  But, I still think it speaks to black and white thinking, and how to work towards changing an ADHD brains mindset.  Ryan is 20 and I have actually used the words, “You say black, I say white. ”  Sometimes it doesn’t matter what we’re talking about, he’ll just automatically take the other side.  So what do we do to work on this?

We have helped Ryan to become  aware,  to  step back , to consider other options and be considerate of others.  He’s worked with his therapist by himself and in family therapy with his dad and me.  We’ve had him in social skills groups.  It hasn’t gone away, but he’s been given tools to use.  Sometimes these tools work great and he’s able to access them.  Other times, in the heat of a moment, they don’t .  Again, it’s a process.  A lifelong process.   

 

 

While writing my blog and book, my thoughts kept on swirling around as to what I was going to do next.   My goal for both the blog and book has always been to help others who are impacted by ADHD.  Whether it’s parents, families, educators, therapists or those that have ADHD.     I have spent  quite a lot of time reading ADHD publications, and medical journals,  and attending webinars.  In this process, I have learned about life coaching through an ADHD lens.  After doing research on what life coaching is, and what steps I would need to take to become a coach, I decided along with my husband, that becoming an ADHD Life Coach would be a natural fit and the next step in my journey with ADHD.  I began an ADHD Life Coaching course through ADDCA (ADD Coaching Academy) last June and I will finish the course work at the beginning of March 2023. 

What is coaching and how can it help someone with ADHD?   My definition is: Coaching is an ongoing collaborative partnership created to facilitate personal growth and awareness through an ADHD lens, that leads to conscious choice, focused action, and a meaningful rewarding life. The coach/client relationship is built upon unconditional acceptance and a powerful appreciation of the client’s potential, uniqueness, strengths, capabilities, and wholeness.

Coaching is not therapy.  The client brings to the coach their challenges, obstacles, projects or anything else that is standing in their way of having a more successful life.  Together, the coach and client explore why it’s important, what strengths they have used in the past, how to make a plan and then discover the steps to take to put that plan into action.  Because the ADHDer has different brain wiring, the coach helps the client learn about how their brain works differently and the challenges they face that neurotypicals do not.

I am excited about taking this next step in my life. To help others who have been diagnosed with ADHD, who self-identify as an ADHDer, or are impacted by living with someone with ADHD, is my mission.   Helping someone understand their neurodivergent brain, and   finding tools that will help with a person’s poor  executive functioning skills is certainly a goal, but most importantly, helping the client discover their strengths, so that they can improve the quality of their life.    

As I complete the coursework, I am now coaching and working on the fifty hours that I need in  order to gain full certification.  If you or anyone you know might be interested in being coached, or want to know more about what coaching might do for you or them, please contact me.      

         Most of us, whether we are young or old, do not like being told what to do.  As little children we were constantly told what to do.  As parents we told our young children what to do.  And as parents we often still try to tell  our grown children what to do.  At work, our bosses tell us what to do, or we as bosses tell our employees what to do.  Our government tells us what to do.  Our therapists, teachers, religious leaders, and anyone else in authority,  tells us what to do.  It’s a wonder then, that some of us ever learn how to think on our own or learn critical thinking skills to be able to make wise, and informed decisions.

         For neurotypicals, it should be easier to learn how to think critically, and to know and understand and to put into context those things that we are being told what to do.  As we grow up and mature, we are left alone to make decisions on our own, and to figure out the pros and cons of our actions.  We learn to live with our decisions and their consequences.  And often, we get to move past being told what to do on a daily and/or constant basis. (Except for the parents that we still have who feel it is their right to continue to tell us what to do.)   But what about the neurodivergent?

         It is common that someone with ADHD doesn’t like being told what to do.  As a younger person with ADHD, it is more often necessary to tell them what to do as they’re inability to make clear and quick decisions is lacking.  Impulsivity is constantly a challenge.    Slow verbal and auditory processing may prevent the person from making quick decisions as well. .  Vigilance from parents and teachers is necessary to watch and help these children make decisions.  As the ADHDer matures, sometimes the adults in their lives continue to make decisions for them and continue to tell them what to do.  This action can backfire, especially when the ADHDer becomes a teenager, and the lack of executive functioning becomes more apparent.

         Ryan no longer likes being told what to do.  As his parent, I am reminded of this often. He will call and tell me about something that he needs to make a decision on.   Sometimes I know what he needs to do.  Well – most of the time I know what he needs to do.  But,  I have to work really hard at refraining myself.  Sometimes, I will tell him what to do.  And he says of course “Don’t tell me what to do!”  If I’m in my right frame of mind and take a pause and think about that, I’ll apologize and then respond with OK, what do you think you should do?  Other times when I don’t stop and think, I say, “Fine, do what you want!”  I’ve learned this is never the right thing to say.  Because of course, then there’s the,  “Mom! I need your help!”  

         For Ryan, taking the open ended question approach works best.  Asking him, what he thinks he should do.  Asking him if he’s thought of the pros and cons of a decision.  Asking him why he thinks one decision is better than another.  Asking him how long he needs to make a decision so that he can process the decision in his own time.  Allowing him the time to think through everything before he actually takes the step in making the final decision helps him work on his critical thinking.  It’s amazing to me, when given the opportunity, all of the different choices he comes up with. 

         Conversations with other adult ADHDers surrounding this subject have been interesting.  I have yet to meet an ADHDer who doesn’t struggle with being told what to do.  All of my ADHD friends and acquaintances find this annoying to them, but at the same time like Ryan they often need guidance in making choices and coming to the best decisions they can make.  Asking those open ended questions, helps them figure out those decisions themselves.  It  helps them to use their strengths and their own critical thinking skills.  It helps them to get around those difficult and challenging executive functioning issues.  It helps them find solutions that work best for them.  And once those decisions are made by them, it  makes them feel successful.  

I’ve seen how Ryan gets excited when he is able to make decisions on his own.  He is proud of himself.  And I am proud of him too.  And I am proud of myself when I don’t just jump in and tell him what to do.  

Ryan’s Dad: “You have to see “Lilo and Stitch”!!  Ryan is Stitch!!”

Me: “What do you mean, Ryan is Stitch?”

Ryan’s Dad: “Well, you know how Ryan never sits still, and he just gets himself into all kinds of trouble?  And he’s so cute.  And we can’t control him.  And he’s just a bit of an out of control little being?  Well, that’s Stitch!  And that’s Ryan!”  

“Lilo and Stitch” came out in 2002 when Ryan was three years old.  I was out of town for some reason and Ira took Ryan and his sister to see the movie.  I even think that it was probably Ryan’s first movie.  How perfect is that considering the above conversation.  Of course one of my questions was whether or not Ryan sat for the whole movie.  It was quite the brave thing for  my husband to do, to take an extremely active three year old and a somewhat active five year old by himself.  I don’t recall the answer to that question, just that to this day, this memory is still so strong.  And to this day we still on occasion call Ryan, Stitch.

Stitch is a perfect example of how ADHD can present itself in a little person.  The inability to sit still, acting like the child is driven by a motor and the major impulsivity!.   And although Ryan was only three, and was too young to be diagnosed, we knew he had ADHD.   We just knew it.  

To this day, if anyone asks me how to describe a child who has ADHD, I will often ask if they’ve seen “Lilo and Stitch”.  Most people have and so I just will say, well, “Stitch!  That’s what it looks like!”.  

These symptoms that I described above tend to be the most common and what most people think of when they think of ADHD.  But as the ADHDer grows older, other symptoms appear when they start learning how to read, how to communicate, and how they hit or miss important milestones, 

ADHD is so much more than being hyperactive physically.  If that was just the only symptom, how easy would it be to manage the ADHDer?  I would say, relatively easy, but this is usually just the tip of the iceberg.     The following is a list that I wrote about in another posting of typical ADHD symptoms:

Hyperactivity

Trouble  paying attention

Problems keeping friends

Emotional problems

Problems eating or sleeping

Impulsiveness

Problems with math or language

Temper tantrums

Compulsiveness

Fears of being separated from loved ones.

Executive functioning issues

These symptoms can change over a child’s lifetime, and their ADHD may look differently as they grow into adults.  They will not “grow out of it”, but their symptoms may change.  Some may get worse, others better, and others not change at all.  For Ryan, this has been the case.  For example, his extreme physical hyperactivity has changed into brain hyperactivity, and as he has matured, his executive functioning issues have become more pronounced.   Through medication, therapy and coaching, Ryan has discovered his strengths and tools that help him be successful in his everyday life.   It’s always wonderful to see and be a part of his successes.  

And getting back to Stitch.  Living with someone like Stitch can be a wild ride.  Do you have a Stitch in your life?  Or,  are you Stitch?

“Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all.  The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.”       – What Paul Bourget Thinks of Us.  by Mark Twain

Me:  “Ryan, ________________(fill in the blank.  ie. What did you learn in your class today? What happened in your meeting today? What was the movie about?  etc.)

Ryan:  “Well, it’s complicated.”

Me:  “I don’t think it’s complicated.  Just try to tell me.”

Ryan:  “No, I really can’t.  It’s too complicated.”

Me:  “What do you mean it’s too complicated?”

Ryan:  “Like I said, it’s too complicated.  I can’t explain it.”

The above conversation started to become a common response when Ryan started to feel brain overwhelm. When there is/was too much verbal and auditory information to process, he was/is not always able to answer the question.   Often, the above conversation would/does happen after school, a meeting or later in the evening when we were having dinner and the dinner table discussion would be about how our days went.  

I noticed that Ryan started using this phrase in high school when things became more layered and nuanced. I know that Ryan’s frustration increased in middle and high school, what with becoming a teenager and the extra angst that all entails.  Part of this was also possibly him not wanting to share everything with his parents, and using the phrase “It’s complicated” was a way to get out of discussing things that he just didn’t want to share.  But to add to the usual teenage issues, is Ryan’s ADHD, and the verbal and auditory processing issues that he so wonderfully possesses.   And the more complex and nuanced  a situation is, the more difficult it is for Ryan to process that situation.  It can take him a great deal of time to think things through.  Even up to a couple of days.  You can probably imagine how difficult this must be for him.  Especially when someone is really pushing him to talk about  or explain something.  

I often forget how to manage these situations.  I often ask Ryan questions and get frustrated when he responds with the “It’s complicated” statement.  To help Ryan, my response should always be one of support.  Telling him, that’s fine.  Asking him if we can talk about it later once he’s had time to process the question and provide an answer.  Giving him space so that he understands that I don’t need an answer right away.  And maybe even offering to help him unravel the answer by asking easier open ended questions or by being more specific in my questions.  Sometimes even a light hearted question like, “how’d it go?” can send him in a spin.  I need to often tread lightly and softly and not come on like a freight train.  You know how we parents are.  We want to know everything, and we want to know it now.   But you know what?  I can get like this too.  Especially when I’m tired and just don’t have the brain energy or the desire to talk about something in detail with someone else.  I need to remember that as well, so when I hear the, “It’s complicated” from Ryan, I don’t become quite so exasperated.   

For Ryan’s part we have encouraged him to take a breath and be patient with his dad and me.  Like I said above, we often forget.  You’d think after all this time, we’d remember.  But we don’t.  I’m writing this because it’s something that I experienced recently.  Sometimes writing about it solidifies  the actions that I still need to take.  The writing becomes a reminder for me to be patient, to take a breath and step back a bit and remember who Ryan is – a wonderful human being who has a brain like no other.  

I posted the following last year.  As I sat down to write another holiday posting, I reread this post and decided that I liked it so much that I wanted to post it again.  The memories and feelings are as ever present today and I can’t think of anything else to say that is new.  So if you start to read this and it rings a bell,  (haha)  maybe you can read it with a lens that is a year older and wiser and gain a different perspective on your own holiday memories.  

This will also be the last post of the year as I will be taking a week off to spend time with my family and dear friends.  

When Ryan was growing up, our family  holiday season began the weekend before Thanksgiving, when we took an annual trip to Disneyland with our good friends.  We’d be at Disneyland for three days, come home for a night or two and then drive to wherever my mother lived for Thanksgiving.  Once Thanksgiving was over, then the festivities for Hanukkah would begin (depending on when it landed on the calendar), latke fests, eight nights of gifts, candle lighting, and extended family bashes.  And then we had  all of the friends and office holiday parties, then Christmas – again traveling to wherever my mother lived at the time.  And finally New Year’s when we could possibly have  another trip somewhere.  We’d arrive home the day after New Year’s day to “rest”, just for our kids to go back to school in a day or two, and for us, the parents, to go back to work.  

It has always been one of the most exciting times for our family, this month of crazy.  But it hasn’t always been easy.  Well, actually it’s never been easy.  Early on, it was more physically exhausting, than mentally exhausting, but then Ryan became a walking and talking being and his ADHD became apparent.  

I’ve always refused to let Ryan’s differences stop our family from participating in events.  Even though there were times that I would truly dread them.  The extraordinary plans we would have to make in figuring out the many  “if this happens, then we do this _______ (fill in the blank) scenarios, trying to make sure that my husband and I would be on the same page, (didn’t always happen), the working on trying not to lose it  when my children would lose it, (again, didn’t always happen), the navigating all of the emotional ups and downs, trying to be a peacekeeper, trying to keep everyone as “happy” as possible, and praying that there would be no meltdowns.  (Well, there were always meltdowns of one sort or another.)  

Even if you have neurotypical kids, you may see yourself in the above paragraph.  Having a schedule like that can send anyone over the edge, but if you have a child like Ryan, that just adds one more layer to the madness of “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” You may ask, why did you do all of those things if they were so exhausting? Well,  I agree, it may seem crazy, but we refused to let the differences in our family prevent us from having a full life.  

One of the ways that we learned how to deal with it would be to  find the necessary downtime in the middle of it all. Rest time became a part of every day, even on the busiest ones.  Ryan needed physical and mental breaks.  His brain needed down time from all of the stimuli being thrown at him which also exhausted him physically.  We discovered that if he didn’t have downtime, then when he was truly exhausted, his behavior followed suit and meltdowns would ensue.   Sometimes that meant cutting visits or activities short.   If we were at parties, or dinners and we would start to see warning signs, then it was time for us to leave. As Ryan grew older, we started to plan ahead and decide how long we were going to stay.  Sometimes that meant leaving significantly earlier than other family members or guests, but it was better than the alternative and making a scene.

Winter break from school also would help us have downtime from all of the celebrations, and in between travel.    But, we would still set  up a schedule for Ryan so that he knew what we would be doing every day, even if it was a stay at home day.  Plenty of downtime interspersed with an activity or two, like going to the park, baking cookies, or seeing a movie was also scheduled.  Even bedtime was scheduled, as sleep was really important.  

And a word on travel.  We started car travel with our children when they were both infants, which I highly recommend.  Our trips during the holidays (beginning with Thanksgiving) could be 2-3 separate 6 hour one way trips.  Ryan surprisingly  became a very good traveler.  Planning ahead for him with activities that would keep him occupied became very important.  Games, books, family discussions, and then when he was older, hand held computer games.  Of course, I’m not saying it was perfect,  far from it!  We had some major meltdowns in the car, maybe a bit more than neurotypical kids.  But for us, it became our normal.  We just learned how to deal with them.  Not always effectively and some memories are pretty painful, but they never prevented us from trying again.  

I’m sure our family, friends and people we never knew, would look at us at times and shake their heads.  Would I change the way we did some things?  Sure.  But would I change our past holiday tradition?  No way.  Because you know what? Many of the bad events/memories are slowly fading, or at least we can laugh at some of them,  and all of the best ones grow brighter.  Which helps all of us to look forward to the following year’s holidays, and new memories.   

May this holiday season be filled with love, giving  and wonderful memories!

Happy Hanukkah,

Merry Christmas,

And Happy New Year!

I like to post this older post every holiday season.  It continues to give me a chuckle every time I read it.  I hope you enjoy it again as well.  Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year! 

Taking my kids to Starbucks when they were young was always a treat.  During winter break from school was even more special because of the festive holiday season.  Hot chocolate with whipped cream and seeing all of the special holiday cups and treats and staying out of the cold and rain, would set the scene for a memorable time. Well, the cold and rain not so much being from So Cal and all, but we still worked at getting into that special winter vibe.

This past weekend, Ryan and I drove back together from college in Southern Oregon   We drove through snow, ice, wind and rain and had a very memorable time listening to more Christmas music than I had thought we would,  talked about our favorite rock/pop songs of all time and of course,   Ryan’s fall school quarter. 

 Naturally  this trip also included a few stops along the way at Starbucks for bathroom breaks and hot drinks.  One Starbucks in particular took us down memory lane.  As we stood in line, and looked in the case with all of the goodies, there was a box of the Cranberry Bliss Bars.  The packaging has not changed since Ryan was young. In its brightly red and white striped box with the plastic cellophane over the bars themselves, thr packaging is meant to entice a customer into seeing the beautiful confection and “needing” to purchase because they just look so delicious.  Ryan took one look at that box, looked at me, and we just burst out laughing.

You see, when Ryan was four, I had to purchase an entire box of those Cranberry Bliss Bars.    We were standing in line.  Ryan took one look at the bars and without thinking, without any delay, and of course without me watching,  poked his little fingers right through the cellophane, and right into the bars.  I heard the pop.  Because of course, the cellophane was stretched tight, just like  a microwavable frozen meal. You know that sound.   It got my attention, along with everyone else in line.  And of course one poke wasn’t enough.  By the time I stopped him, the cellophane was shredded.  And yes, like I said,  I had to purchase the entire package.  Which of course, I didn’t want.  I don’t even like them and I knew we never ate all of those bars.    They are very pretty but I think they look better than they taste. But hey, that’s just my opinion.  Yes, I was horribly embarrassed, I sighed,  and reprimanded Ryan.  

Of course this wasn’t as bad as the time Ryan pulled the fire alarm in preschool, but it was just another piece of the puzzle in identifying who Ryan was and is.  And Ryan has remembered this event.  He remembers me yelling at him.  And although we laugh about it now, Ryan has had a lot of those moments of me yelling at him after he did something,  and me asking him why he did it.

  What I’ve learned over the years though, is that asking my child with ADHD why he has done something is counterintuitive.  First of all, they can’t answer that question.  The answer is always going to be, “I don’t know.”  The lack of executive functioning, specifically the impulsivity and the inability to stop and think is the rule of the day.  The time between seeing the package with the bars and putting his fingers through the cellophane was non-existent.  There was no stopping and thinking about what Ryan was about to do.  It should have been up to me to pay attention to him and keep his eyes and hands busy with something else.  

ADHDers  can learn  how to step back from impulsivity, learn how to make better decisions, and  learn how to take that all important pause.  Some of that learning is maturity, some through cognitive behavior therapy and some through learning how their own brain works and finding the tools that will help them.  The loved ones of ADHDers can learn how to stop asking why the ADHDer did something,  and ask the ADHDer  how they can help make better decisions next time.  This can be a long process and take a lifetime to master. But by providing 

tools and support, the ADHDer and their significant others can move forward with positive assurance that next time an issue of impulsivity arises, there will be space between the thought and action.

As Ryan and I had a good laugh at the memory , I mentioned to him at that moment to please keep his hands to himself, and that I had my eye on him.  I guess it’s taken me almost twenty years to get that right.  Thank goodness I didn’t have to buy another box of that Cranberry Bliss Bar!         

“Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts or happenings,  it consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever flowing through one’s head.”  -Mark Twain