I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!  There, I’ve said it.  Ryan on the other hand loves it, loves it, loves it! This is not going to be an uplifting post, and a little bit of a rant.  (or a lot of a rant) Ryan is now going on his fourth week home from school and is in his second week of distance/online learning.  It has been a struggle. Adan I’m sure many of you reading this who have kids of school age and college age, having them home all day every day trying to attend school would agree.  It’s hard for the kids too, having their parents be on them a lot to get work done, and to all of a sudden be back home under their parents thumbs and rules.  Their independence stripped from them.  Them being able to do whatever they want, when they want, without the eyes of their parents on them all the time..  And life as we knew it just all came to a screeching halt with this stupid stupid virus.

  My expectations of Ryan have been high.  I expect him to help around the house.  I expect him to be helpful.   I expect him to exercise.  I expect him to take his classes and get his homework done.  I expect not to have to constantly ask him if he’s getting all of his school work done.  And what I see more than anything is the inordinate amount of time he’s spending gaming.  I’m getting major push back from him.  “Mom, stop being on me all the time.  I’ve got this. Leave me alone!”   I feel like we’re back in his high school days.  Part of the problem is that I’m home as well. The small amount of work I do for our company I do from home.    I see what Ryan does all day long.  The house is small, his gaming is done in the family room and I can hear it all.  I don’t want to hear any of it. 

OK, I will admit that there are some positives.  This is one way for him to connect with his friends that he is unable to see.  He’s connected with some of his friends that he hasn’t talked to since the beginning of his winter quarter, as he doesn’t have the ability to game while he’s at school.  (We drew the line with him taking his console to school.  That was non negotiable) So it’s given him an outlet to keep in touch.  But that’s it.  I can’t think of anything else that’s positive about it. 

Gaming has always seemed to make Ryan more anxious and at times more angry.  I know this is the world of gaming.  When things don’t go the way you want in the middle of the game, it’s upsetting.  I get that.  All of us who like to play any kind of game or sport, who like to win or are competitive get like this.  But goodness, this world of gaming can be so over the top.  Ryan has the perfect personality for the worst kind of storm possible.  I don’t like what it does to him.  I don’t like how it seems to just take over his personality.  Is he obsessed?  Yes, I think he is.  Will he admit it?  No. 

So what have we done to try and curb this all?  Daily conversations in the morning.  What is his schedule?  When are classes, when is homework time, when is work out, when and what is chore time, when is gaming?  We’ve at least been able to finally work this out.  And yes, it’s been like banging our heads against the wall at times.  Trying not to push too hard, but pushing just enough.  We’ve generally agreed that there’s no gaming after dinner,  as that has become time for all of us to play a game or watch a movie together. And we are all trying really hard to not control every aspect of Ryan’s life.  He wants to be succesfful and we want to help him be successful.  I do try to step back, but it’s truly difficult.  Thankfully we also have Ryan’s academic coach, writing tutor and professors to help keep him on track.

But, as I sit here and listen to him play, I hear joy in his voice as he talks with his friends.  Do  I need to lighten up?  Maybe.  In the grand scheme of life right now, is it really worth my angst?  Probably not.  Thanks for reading my rant.  Now, on to more calming activities….

So we’re living in a different world.  Removed from society, stuck at home.  Everyday many of us wondering, is today the day I get it?  Is today the day one of our loved ones gets it?  For the first time in almost all of our lives, our individual freedom has been changed to protect others and ourselves. How do we keep ourselves from overwhelming anxiety and fear? How do we keep this to ourselves and not thrust it upon our loved ones?

Humor. Laughter. Find levity in living this new temporary life. Fear and anxiety feeds fear and anxiety. This is especially true of my life with Ryan. If I am out of my mind with fear and anxiety, so is Ryan. Every since he was little this has been the case. Even in the normal everyday life our family has tried to find humor in just about everything we do. It’s much better than screaming, crying and watching endless news reports.

Laughter cleanses the soul in a way nothing else can. Crying can cleanse the soul, but it leaves you exhausted. Laughter has the opposite effect. It lifts you up and brings energy and joy.

My family already has made humor an everyday practice. We’ve always looked for funny and ridiculous things to share with each other. We watch stupid silly movies. We play board and card games. We are so well versed, that through this coronavirus epidemic we are able to pull out our tools of humor. We try to find something to giggle about after we rehash the days news. Sometimes it’s as simple as talking about something funny the dog did.

I know there are difficult days ahead with Ryan being back home and taking all of his courses online. I know we will all be driving each other a little nuts being around each other so much, day in and day out. I need to remember in these times to look for something that I can laugh about. Even if it’s just to laugh at the absurdity of it all!

“Laugh as much as possible, always laugh. It’s the sweetest thing one can do fo oneself and one’s fellow human beings.” -Maya Angelou

So here we are. Ryan is not just home for spring break but for probably the spring term. Thank you Corona virus!! Really not excited. But what are you gonna do? Laugh, cry, rail, scream? Yep, all of it. Spin it in to something positive? Absolutely.

So what is college spring term going to look like? An extended week of spring break and then classes online using Zoom and Google hangout. FaceTime with therapists, doctors and tutors. It’s a difficult transition made more difficult by someone who likes to think in black and white and needs structure, and has difficulty with not knowing exactly where things are going in his life. And another huge transition by his dad and I to having Ryan home again.

I have found myself returning to some old habits. None of them very helpful. Pushing, prodding and controlling aspects of Ryan’s life that I really dont want to. My expectations have changed since he left for school in the fall. I have higher expectations. That he will be more mature and able to manage things more independently. Well, I haven’t even given him the chance. I’ve not really even given him the chance. I’ve been on him like white on rice. (OK what does that even mean?)

So I’m back to the drawing board, trying to listen to Ryan telling me that he’s got this, that I need to step back and take a deep breath. Emotions are running high more so than usual, with this stay at home business. I need to take out my tools from my own bag and remind myself how to use them. To be more patient, kind, compassionate and giving to Ryan, my husband, myself and everyone else in my realm.

And to you parents who have typical kids, this is extremely hard on you too. The memes I’ve seen on social media about homeschooling grade school children are quite funny, but do have a hint of truth in them. This isn’t what you signed up for and yet here you are! And for my friends who have college kids back for the rest of the year – I’m sure you’re happy they’re home, but it sure still upsets the milieu of home life. The emotions are running high in college kids – they don’t want to be home, they don’t want to be away from their social life. And they sure don’t want their parents being on their backs about school and studying either. There’s just so much to navigate in this new order of things.

And to you teachers, you have my support. Navigating a new way to teach students is a tall order. I’m sure it wil be frustrating and a little scary to learn new technology. My hat is off to you! A special thank you goes out to Ryan’s academic coach. You are truly a blessing.

And finally to the parents of special needs/learning difference kids: I’m in it with you. This is going to be an especially difficult time. I’m here to talk if you want, to support and share ideas or just to listen.

It will be interesting to see how we manage the next few weeks or longer. Time to slow down, reset and be grateful. Take care of yourselves, so you can take care of others.

“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” -Benjamin Franklin

Auditory processing disorder (APD) is one of Ryan’s comorbidities. We noticed early on that sometimes he would take a long time to answer a question, or sometimes had a puzzled look on his face when asked a question, or would answer a question with a response that made you scratch your head and say that his answer had nothing to do with the question you were asking. Bottom line, he just wasn’t hearing what we were saying.

The definition of APD is generally when someone has a hard time hearing small sound differences in words. It is not hearing loss and it is not a learning disorder. You may say to someone “Please raise your hand.” But they might hear “Please haze your plan.” Boys are more likely to have it than girls, it usually manifests itself in childhood, and it can cause learning delays. Those with APD have a more likely chance of having dyslexia, and sometimes children are misdiagnosed with ADHD. Ryan has both.

Ryan was diagnosed with APD when he was 6. Like ADHD, one does not outgrow it, but can learn skills to help manage it. Some of the symptoms Ryan has are:

– Difficulty in following conversations especially when in a group

– Difficulty in remembering spoken instructions, especially if there are numerous steps

– Understanding what people say, especially when more than 1 person is talking or in a large loud gathering.

Socially, this is a real problem for kids with APD. Many times they are not included in larger friend groups, because they don’t fit in, because they say things that seem to be “off” or have nothing to do with a conversation. Or they may even seem self centered, as they try to fit in and join the conversation but say something only about themselves or on a completely different topic. Worse, they have no idea that they’re doing this. And they don’t understand when they’re laughed at or lose friends. We saw this a lot with Ryan.

So – what to do?

Get support in the classroom. Ryan sits close to the front. The teacher should try to limit background noise. When asking a question to the person with APD, the teacher should allow more time to answer the question and be patient and be willing to ask the question again, or change the question to make it simpler.

Find what your child’s other strengths are, or help to make other skills stronger. Through testing, not only are difficulties and problems found, but strengths are also found. An IEP should include how to use these strengths. Some of these skills could be memory and problem solving.

Therapy. Speech therapy is a must. It will help with helping the child recognize sounds and improve conversational skills. And of course a social skills group so that the child can learn how to recognize social queues.

Help your child find friends that can accept them for who they are. Talk to the parents of your child’s friends and explain to them about APD. I found that being open with people was much better than not saying anything at all. Yes, we want out kids to appear “normal”, but why do we want our kids to be ostracized, and thought of as weird and then have no friends because of it. Be an advocate for your child. And if there’s no compassion or kindness shown, then they’re not worth having as friends. I can promise you, that it will be difficult, and painful even, but the real friends they end up finding will love them and accept them for who they are. That’s just golden when it happens.

Ryan still struggles with his APD. Sometimes he’s aware of it and other times he’s not. He’s been in some very embarrassing situations. I’ve seen him get frustrated and I’ve seen others get truly upset with him. Again, showing compassion for him is really important. Helping and teaching others in his life is vital in order to have a meaningful relationship. And not throwing it back in his face – not telling him to spit it out, or to hurry up, or to yell at him. Remembering and showing patience is vital. I even have to remind myself on occasion!

4th grade. Home from school. In my lap. Crying uncontrollably. “Mom, why am I different than everybody else? I don’t understand. I don’t want to have problems. ”

I was wondering when this would happen. Ryan had been through testing, seeing different doctors, being pulled out of class twice a day for special ed, occupational therapy and speech therapy from the time he was 5. He’d been on meds since he was 6, had behavioral therapy, seen numerous doctors and now at another school. I had no idea when and where it would really dawn on him. We had never just sat him down and said – “hey, look, your brain works differently, you learn differently and it’s just the way it is.

I held him and cried with him. Broke my heart. (Heck, I’m crying now just remembering it.) Painful as it was, this was a huge step in our lives and completely necessary. Ryan “knew” that he had ADHD and other learning differences, but not until this moment did it really hit home.

So I sat with him and talked to him and explained it all. That his brain was like a speed tunnel, that it worked faster and had trouble processing things in a coherent manner. That his brain worked faster than he could get his words out. That what he heard and understood, wasn’t always what the message actually was. That letters and words didn’t always look right on the page. That his body didn’t always know where it was in space and he needed help in that weightlessness with the weighted vests he wore. That the meds he was on was to help slow the brain down so that he could process things better.

“But why?” he would ask. I had to tell him that there was no answer to that. This was just the way he was made. And sometimes, being different was an incredible gift. A difficult gift, but one that he would work on learning how to embrace it. Of course, this was not something he wanted to hear. His heart was broken. But I believe it needed to break so that he could learn how to heal.

We’ve worked hard since then to help Ryan embrace and be proud of who he is. (I say we’ve here, because Ryan is not alone. Yes – it’s his brain and his body and he has to live with it 24/7, which I am sure at times, he wants to scream and run! And yes, I’ve seen him do this. And frankly, he’s allowed.) It’s hard to come face to face with the reality of your challenges. He has to do this EVERY day. You’ve heard me say this before, but Ryan has had to work twice as hard as a typical kid.

Through therapy, school and the help of his family, Ryan has been encouraged to become a self advocate and to embrace his differences. From the time he was in 4th grade, all of his educators, teachers, and doctors have encouraged him and helped give him the tools to face his challenges and not be afraid to say that he is different and needs help. He has learned to talk to others openly about himself, and has educated others about his challenges. And he encourages others like him to do the same.

There are still times when Ryan and his dad and I talk about the pain of the reality of his life, and go through the heart wrenching struggle of it all over again. The older he gets, new things and experiences come up that need to be hurdled over effectively. New challenges. New opportunities to learn. New ways of doing things. It’s hard enough for typical kids, but his is just on an entirely different playing field. And I will never stop being Ryan’s mom and leave him to work out these things on his own. For that, Ryan will never be alone.

Notice that the title is not the struggles of a happy marriage, or a sad marriage. I just want to talk about the struggles of a marriage, and keeping a marriage together when it comes to raising a child with learning differences. By some of the information that I’ve read, divorce is nearly twice the rate in parents who have children with ADHD vs parents who have typical children. And quite honestly, I can see why.

Early on in Ryan’s childhood when we were in the middle of trying to figure out what was going on with him, I knew in my gut that his behavior was not normal. My husband was not quite on board with me and thought that he was just a boy and rambunctious. Between the ages of 2 and 3 is when I really started noticing things that didn’t sit well with me. I think as a mom I was more aware of these things. And I even started looking for things that weren’t right. As a dad, I think my husband was more like – wow I’ve got an active boy here! Yay!!! But there were other signs, such as Ryan’s inability to stop biting, his inability to sit still at all, his running over kids literally as if he couldn’t see them when he wanted something from across the room. And his insatiable wonderment about everything including the pulling of the fire alarm at preschool when he was 4.

I remember having innumerable conversations with my husband over those first 4 years about how something was not quite right and being told no, that everything was fine. But when Ryan finally was in another preschool and had the incident of swinging the PVC pipe and coming into contact with another child’s head – THAT was the defining moment. One of Ryan’s teacher’s sat down with both of us and laid everything out. He told us both what he thought was going on with Ryan and thought that we should get him tested. Once the testing was done, then there was pretty hard evidence to put in front of us. Fortunately, there was no more denial from my husband.

Many parents have this defining moment, and there is still denial on the side of one parent. They cannot come to terms with the idea that their child is different. I’ve talked to many parents over the years and this is what has caused the break in their marriage. One accepts and wants to get help, and the other doesn’t.

But accepting, is just the beginning of the road. Then you have decisions on treatment, therapy, what school to go to, what doctors to see, what kind of discipline…..how your marriage is going to survive.

Keeping a marriage together, keeping MY marriage together has been hard, hard work. Fortunately, my husband and I have mostly been on the same page in how we’ve raised Ryan. (I said mostly – we’ve had some doozies of fights over Ryan!) We have constantly had sit down meetings and chats. Sometimes many in a day. It has been a 24/7 job to keep our communication open. There have been times when we’ve yelled at each other over why we said something to Ryan or why we did something that the other doesn’t understand or agree with. We’ve cried together, laughed together and just been silent with each other. We’ve sat in therapy. We’ve prayed. We’ve walked. We’ve talked to our friends. You get the idea.

One of the things we that did early on, was to get away alone together 1-2 times a year for a weekend. We were fortunate enough to have our own parents be able to take the kids for weekends so that we could get away. Reconnecting alone and rediscovering why we loved each other let alone liked each other to begin with was important. Because we were so wrapped up in managing Ryan and our homelife, we so often forgot the other person. Sometimes we would go alone, sometimes we would go away with friends and at least once just stayed home alone. I am forever grateful for this gift from my in-laws and my mother.

I am one of the blessed ones who has a partner who is in this journey 100%. Even so, it’s a day by day struggle. Some days are great, and some days can be hell. But at least at the end of the day, we have each other to lean on. I have met many parents through the years who have had to go it alone after the other parent just checks out and won’t/can’t deal. It’s heartbreaking. I don’t know how they do it. Part of it is a heads down and push through life, I guess. I’ve always tried to be a real support to those parents, and do what I can to ease the burden. Usually I can only listen. Often it’s just a comfort to know that we are all in this together.

I’m going to end with words from a song from “Carousel”:

“You’ll Never Walk Alone”

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark

At the end of a storm
There’s a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone

You’ll never walk alone

Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone

You’ll never walk alone

There but for the grace of God………

A day late, but I want to send this valentine to our closest and dearest friends. (You know who you are.). I love you from the deepest part of my heart. Your acceptance, love and encouragement have been appreciated more than you know over the years. You have seen it all, heard it all and still choose to be our friends. You’ve listened to me rage and cry. You’ve let me be angry and be the drama queen that I am. On top of this, you have shown compassion, acceptance and love of Ryan. For that I am eternally grateful.

I am truly blessed to have you all walk this journey with my family and me. May we spend many more years together, hopefully through more joy than tears. But whatever we face, we can get through it all. You have all been a wonderful gift from God.

Love to you all……

This is a repeat. I feel that it’s very important to continue to bring this subject to light as bullying is such a very real issue, especially for people who have invisible differences.

     “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  We heard this a lot when we were growing up.  I think I may have even used it against my own tormentors.  The truth is – it’s just not true is it?  Maybe some people can let things roll off their backs, but most can’t, and what about those with learning differences?  Especially those children who have had to deal with bullying from a very early age. 

     When I was growing up, what we called teasing then, is bullying now.  It seems that a generation ago that this teasing was something we all had to deal with and were told that it’s just a part of growing up, that we needed to develop a thick skin and not be so sensitive.  And those of us who didn’t deal well with it were told to grow up and stop being such a baby.  And we were told that people could only hurt us if we let them.  How many of us have held on to past hurts due to this “teasing” and the pain has lasted in to our adulthoods? 

     Now, think about those children who are not typical?  What if you’re unable to process the “teasing” well and become so downtrodden by others making fun of your inabilities and differences?  When does teasing become bullying?  Maybe when teasing becomes unwanted?  Or when the recipient is unable to tell the difference?  We have maybe become a too sensitive society.  So many things have become “unpolitically correct” that sometimes we’re afraid to open our mouths about anything. But let me be clear here – I’m not talking about the typical child, I’m talking about the the non typical one.  The ones like Ryan who are a walking and talking target.  

     For Ryan, it started early.  First grade.  Remember when I wrote about him biting the boy and he had to go to the office?  Well – that same boy saw that he could push Ryan’s buttons and make him do something that would get him in trouble.  The boy went as far as setting up a scenario and then lying completely about what happened.   On the playground Ryan was playing with this boy and another friend.  The boy for no reason kicked Ryan in his privates.  Ryan then pushed him.  The boy ran screaming to the yard duty and told her that Ryan had kicked him in the nuts.  Major fallout ensued.  It came down to this boy’s word against Ryan’s, telling everyone that Ryan kicked him and pushed him down.  Ryan was inconsolable and kept telling us he didn’t kick him, that the boy had kicked him instead.  But because Ryan had other behavior problems, no one believed him, except his dad and I.  (Ryan had no idea what the word “balls” meant either) This was just the beginning of the terrorizing from this boy.  There were other children who were present, but nobody came to either boy’s defense.  We found out later, that this boy was adept at creating fear among other kids.  We had to endure a full year of continued bullying, mainly name calling and laughing at Ryan by this boy.  Finally, this boy found a new victim to torture, and it was realized a little too late that Ryan was not the instigator.  Other parents came to me and said, oh I guess Ryan was telling the truth. (You think???)    To this day, we mention his boy’s name and Ryan shudders. 

   This was the beginning of many years of bullying.  Mainly it was kids just laughing at him or saying things like, “Come on Ryan, spit it out!” when Ryan struggled to get his words out.  We left this public school after 3^rd grade and enrolled Ryan in Westmark School, a private school for children with language based learning differences.  We hoped that this would be a wonderful, accepting and safe place for Ryan to learn and enjoy school.  It was, but we still encountered bullying.  Yes, every school has bullies, but we didn’t think that there would be a problem.  The one positive thing about Westmark, is that they took bullying more seriously and knew that most of the kids coming to Westmark had been bullied at their other schools.  But- because almost all of these kids had been bullied themselves, there became a new pecking order.  Many of them turned to bullying themselves in order to make themselves feel better. 

     In seventh grade, Ryan went to a school sleep away science camp.  A boy thought it would be funny if someone pulled Ryan’s pants down while they were all waiting in line for dinner.  Well – that didn’t go over well.  Ryan’s pants got pulled down and Ryan turned and pushed the boy down.  Ryan, along with the boy who did it got suspended.  (No toleration policy – I know, right? Not allowed to defend himself!)  This opened a huge can of worms.  (Side note – the boy who had the other boy pull down Ryan’s pants was expelled from Westmark after finding out from other students that he had been bullying a lot of kids)

     Ryan sometimes would come home from school in a really bad mood, or just defiant.  It took us a long time to figure out why.  Through behavioral therapy it was discovered that he was upset about things that had happened during the day at school with his classmates and friends.  It took him time to process what had happened before he could tell his dad or me.  We would have to let him decompress and then we could ask him if something was wrong or if something had happened at school.  When he could finally put it in to words, he would just cry and cry.  It would just kill me. 

     Bullying continued through high school.  Mainly by things kids would say, like “you’re stupid, because you don’t take AP classes.”  (Really!) Or by kids making noises behind Ryan during class to push his buttons so he would explode verbally in class to tell them to stop it.  Stupid stuff like that.  But what it was doing was scraping away a little bit more and more of Ryan’s psyche.  To the point that Ryan would always feel that someone was talking about him behind his back, or laughing at him.  In reality it wasn’t true, but it was his perception. 

     It has left irreparable harm.  Even with therapy and talking about it, and encouraging him, Ryan has been left with a sensitive soul.  He wounds easily even when the other person is joking.  On the positive side, he is truly a champion for others and will stand up to anyone who treats others badly.  His compassion is heartwarming.  If you happen to be his friend, his loyalty is without measure.

     So what can the rest of us do?  Like Ryan, be compassionate.  Talk to them about what bullying does, especially to those who have special needs.   Encourage your children to stand up to those who bully and be a support to those who are bullied.  Help children be able to tell an adult when there is bullying.  As an adult, be aware that even though schools have anti-bullying policies, it still happens.  We see it in the news.  Kids are committing suicide because of it, kids are dying because of physical violence against them.  And sadly, some kids have committed school shootings because of the horrible bullying that happened to them, and they just can’t cope any more.  Please help your own child get the help they need.  Listen to them, watch them, love them. 

I decided to repost this for those of you who may have missed it the first time.

We took Ryan to see a movie when he was 5 years old. As most kids do, he wanted popcorn and a blue icee. So as a wonderful mother, I complied, much to his delight. After the movie, as we were leaving the theater, he starting jumping and running with wonderful enthusiasm. I took it as a happy boy who loved the movie. But- as we continued to the car and then in to the car, he just physically could not keep himself still – AT ALL. By this time, I was very used to his inability to sit still, but this was more than his usual activity.

We got home, and he just literally became a whirling dervish. I asked him if he was feeling OK, and of course he said quickly, “yeah, I gots lots of energy!” Whirling around the house, I got him outside, a little afraid that he would break something, and he just continued to whirl around the yard. OK – this just wasn’t normal. I could not get him to calm down. After an hour or so, he slowly came back down to earth and crashed landed on the couch. My thought was that maybe sitting in a theater watching a movie for almost 2 hours was just a little too much for him to sit still and he had extra energy that he just had to get out.

A few months later, we repeated the entire process. New movie, blue icee, crazy energy and behavior. At this point I thought that maybe there was something going on with what he had eaten or drunk. An idea of an experiment started rattling around in my brain. What if it were the blue icee causing the problem? Next time, I decided to do the same thing to see what happened. (You may be thinking, why would a mother do an experiment on her own child. Trust me, “all” parents of kids with ADHD do experiments on their kids to find out why and how things happen)

Next movie – blue ice, major craziness.

Next movie – no blue icee, no major craziness.

What was with the blue icee? Sugar? Or chemicals in the blue food coloring?

Just a theory of mine – but I believe it was the food coloring.

But a short word about sugar first. Most if not all medical practitioners will tell you that sugar does not cause hyperactivity in children. And most if not all parents will say the opposite. Seriously – I’ve seen first hand in my own kids when they ate sugar, had crazy energy, and then crash. There might be science behind the idea that sugar doesn’t cause hyperactivity, but come on – parents should be the go to on this one! That said, the energy behind Ryan’s behavior after the icee was something else entirely.

Back to food coloring. There have been numerous studies done on the relationship between food dye and hyperactivity in children. All you have to do is google it. I encourage you to do so. I’m sure that it affects all children differently. But, if a child has ADHD, it’s quite a recipe for an explosion. Ryan’s napalm is blue dye specifically. Many kids have problems with other dye colors, primarily red.

Since the discovery of the issue with the blue icee, Ryan has stayed away from anything that has blue dye in it. When he was younger and something blue was offered to him, he would just innocently say that he couldn’t have it because it made him crazy. He would have M&M’s and take out all the blue ones, and give them to me. He refused blue popsicles and would scrape blue icing off birthday cakes. Now that he’s older, he knows that it messes more with his brain’s hyperactivity vs his body’s hyperactivity. But he still stays away from it.

Evaluating your child’s diet for chemicals and removing what you can is important. Eating as clean as possible is the best solution. And if you need to use food dye for a cake icing or other baked goods, try to choose the natural plant based dyes that are available. I’ll discuss diet and eating clean in a later blog.

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines anxiety as:

1. apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending, or anticipated ill.

2. medical: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it.

An anxiety or panic attack begin all of a sudden without any warning.  They can strike at any time and the cause or reason for them may not be known.

Symptoms of an anxiety or panic attack, can include all or some of the following:

          Fear or loss of control, flashing vision, hyperventilation, palpitations, chest pain, headache, sweating, shaking, breathlessness, chills, nausea, abdominal cramps, dizzy feeling, and numbness.

We were on a family trip traveling down the Oregon coast, all of us remarking on how beautiful it was and thoroughly enjoying the experience.  Out of nowhere Ryan exclaims, “pull over, pull over, pull over!”  He was completely hyperventilating and trying to get out of his seat belt, and had an absolute look of terror on his face.  I asked him what was wrong and tried to tell him to calm down, which only seemed to make things worse.  We finally were able to get the car to the side of the road and got him out of the car.  Once we were able to calm him down, we asked him what happened.  All he could say is that he didn’t know.  He was scared and felt a sense of doom. 

This was Ryan’s first of many anxiety attacks that he developed as a teen.  We have no idea when or where they will occur and they seem to happen for no apparent reason at the time.  However, he had always been an anxious kid.  Excessive worry over the smallest things was his MO from a very young age. 

Anxiety is one of the many comorbidities of ADHD.  (I will address comorbidities in a later post).  In brains that are going a million miles an hour, with a lot of input from external and internal stimuli, it’s no wonder that someone like Ryan has difficulty regulating his thoughts to any sense of normalcy.  We noticed when Ryan was young, that when he was overstimulated with information, he would “freak out”.  He liked things to be clear cut and black and white.  He wanted to know what and when we were going to do something, and if anything fell out of that order he would have difficulty expressing himself in a calm way. 

With the help of Ryan’s developmental pediatrician and behavior therapists, it was decided that in order to help Ryan manage his anxiety, his father and I had to plan and schedule as much of Ryan’s life out as possible.   Doing things on the fly were no longer an option.  This worked well of course during the school week and generally on the weekends.  But when it came to vacations or summertime, it was very difficult.  Even going to Disneyland with friends, he would want to know what rides we’d be going on the next day, and in which order.  We did our best to help Ryan understand that not all things could be planned out.  Sometimes he was OK with changing directions and other times he wasn’t.  And we never knew what would set him off. 

As Ryan grew older, his anxiety changed.  He learned that he needed to hold in his verbal outbursts around his friends and at school.  So when he came home, it ALL came out.  Sometimes, his frustration about something didn’t raise its head until the day after something happened.  Or he would be upset about something so small, that we had to figure out what really was going on.  Sometimes his anxiety was about his schoolwork, or something a friend had said to him.  His verbal outbursts at home were so disruptive and painful, that it was difficult being in the same room with him.  It was also having an affect on his sleep. 

So we went back to the drawing board with his doctor and therapists.  We had him start taking melatonin for sleep and a small dose anti-anxiety medication when Ryan became a teenager.  In family therapy, the therapist helped Ryan and us  to learn tools to help manage his behavior, and also therapy alone for Ryan so that he had someone to talk to without judgment.  Ryan has learned to go with the flow a little better, which is especially helpful in dealing with college life.  And he seems to be handling his anxiety better.  On the other hand, his mother has her own anxiety about her son’s being away at college, but that’s another story all together…….