The other day I watched a silly soap opera that I have been watching since college.  (Yeah, you don’t need to say it, I know!) In the scene, the  parents of a child who had just been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder were crying and talking,  and the father said to the mother, “he’ll be fine.” I sat for a moment and thought, what does this statement actually mean?

Over the years I have heard this statement dozens of times from doctors, teachers, friends, family, therapists and myself.  Does it mean in the short run or long run?   Is it supposed to make me feel better?  Or feel worse, because something is wrong?  I’ve heard it as the first statement in a phone call from school:  “Hi, Mrs. Lapides, first I just want to say that Ryan is fine.”   Great – then the next statement goes something like….but “this” happened today or “he’s in the office because…..”    Or from the doctor, “ Well, Ryan has ADHD, but he’ll be fine.”  

I know that this statement is just something that is said just to make us feel better.  But the reality of it is that no, he or she or they are not going to be fine.  Right at this moment they might be fine, or not.  Maybe tomorrow they might be fine, or maybe not.  Next year they might be fine, or maybe not.  But the statement just gets you through the moment.  Maybe in each step in the day, your child will be just fine.  And then the statement switches around and someone says to you, “You’ll be fine.”

But I’m not fine.  And neither is Ryan.  He struggles every day to be “fine”  . I struggle everyday thinking about whether I’m fine, or Ryan is fine.  People ask how I am.  And the answer is almost always I’m fine.  But the underlying thought of being fine, is that I’m just getting through the day.  I’m OK.  I’m not happy, I’m not sad, I’m just getting through.  

I don’t think we as a society have really thought about the “they’ll be fine” statement.  I think it’s a statement of protecting ourselves from the reality of it all.  It’s a way of putting on a band aid.  Because if we’re truly honest about it, we don’t want to think that we aren’t fine, or our child isn’t fine.  Don’t we always tell our kids when they fall that they’re fine?  And when we’re asked by others about how we are, or how our children are, most of the time we answer, “I’m fine” or “they’re fine.”  We answer this way whether it’s true or not just to make everyone feel ok.  When we answer with anything else,  it can often throw the person asking,  completely off guard.  

In the end will Ryan be fine?  I don’t know.  I hope that he’ll be better than fine.  I hope that he’ll be great.  That’s what he aims for.  That’s what we aim for.  Right now he’s fine.  Some days he’s great.  Other days not so much.  Just like the rest of us.  It’s just that he has to work much harder at being fine than the rest of us.  

So next time you ask someone how they’re doing, or someone asks you how you’re doing, just stop and think for a moment about the answer.  

*****On a quick side note, I have to give kudos to “General Hospital”, the soap opera I was watching.   They have consistently brought many mental and physical health conditions in the open and dealt with them with compassion.  Don’t get me wrong, they get a LOT of medical treatment scenarios wrong, but in the case of the child with autism, it’s been quite brilliant.

Losing control, losing my mind, losing my composure, losing my marbles.  There’s another term.  You know what it is.  But I don’t need to say it.  I heard the term “losing my stuffing” the other day.  I thought it was quite funny and very visual.  Kind of like a pillow exploding during a pillow fight comes to mind.  And accurate I’d say when you just explode with frustration and anger at your child.  It’s never a good scene.  Even if you feel justified, because, you know, you’re the parent.  And you’re allowed.  Right?  Well, that’s how you most often feel during the explosion and even afterwards.  Until you cool down and then many times, you feel awful.

I’m a very emotional person,  as almost anyone in my life who knows me well will tell you.  We all want to blame someone else for our traits.  So, I’ll blame this one on my dad.  Not my mom.  She would blow every once in a while.  But my dad – yikes.  It didn’t take much for him to be set off.  Because I’m more like my dad, I’ve needed to be more aware of my emotional state.  I can’t use it as an excuse, but I have needed to become more sensitive to the building up of anger and frustration in myself.  

There’s nothing more challenging for an overly emotional person, to have an overly emotional child who has ADHD.  The crying and screaming of the ADHD child and the crying and screaming parent happening at the same time is something that I have experienced firsthand.  Quite a few times.  More times than I can count.  More times than I hate to admit.  And the one thing that I can tell you is that there is NEVER a good outcome when yelling and screaming and crying occur.  Some people that I have known think it’s ok that they yell.  That they’re justified because they’re the parent.  I have even seen a bumper sticker that said,“Mommy yells because she cares!”  That’s just plain ……………(Again, you know the phrase!)  I think the only time that it’s completely justified is when your child is in danger – like not looking when crossing the street, or when they are going to hurt someone else

How often have you watched a sitcom where people are yelling at each other and it’s supposed to be funny?  Someone is ranting at someone else.  Calling each other names.  We see ourselves on the screen and feel better that other people act like this.  And they all end up getting over it and moving on.  If only it were as simple as all of that.  Because in real life, there is true damage that occurs.  And the damage is lasting.  

I put this square on my head. Afterall,  I am THE adult, I am THE parent.  I need to maintain control. I have said some things to Ryan that have been horrible.  Some of those things I said in the heat of the moment were meant to shock him, to expose his weaknesses so that he would change, to show him how he hurt me, to make him “snap out of it”.  Never, ever has that worked.      

I have been working on not exploding for a long time.  I have needed to learn cues and clues about when I’m starting to simmer.  I have to bring awareness to catch the time between the fuse, the match and the flame and extend those times.  I am still learning that I need to walk away and calm down before I open my mouth and say something that I will regret.  I am learning that I need to find a safe place to get out all of that energy.  I can scream into a pillow or take deep breaths, or go into another room like the bathroom and calm down.  I’ve also learned that I can’t bottle it up, because later I’ll explode and the damage will be much greater.    And I need to be a good role model for Ryan.  That I can learn to control myself and that he can too.

I am not saying here that I shouldn’t feel frustration or anger.  They’re valid emotions and neither good or bad.  It’s what I do with them and how I manage them.  And I have to take responsibility for the damage that I cause when I do yell and say things that I should never say.  And if there are things that I still need to say, I need to step back, let the frustration and anger rum its course with noone around, evaluate what I need to say and temper it with love, care and compassion.  As I write this, it’s a good reminder for me.  The tools I’ve been given through therapy, studying and just plain, good  advice from other family members are there.  I just need to access them.  

I think yelling in families is quite common.  But it’s one of those things that we do behind closed doors and don’t talk about it with others.  We put on a brave face and act like our families aren’t those families that yell.  I hope that you take heart in knowing that if you or a family member are yellers,  you aren’t alone and that you can get the help you need to make a change – for yourself and for your family relationships.  

“When angry count four; when very angry, swear.”

– Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar

-Mark Twain

There have been some very uncomfortable conversations when it comes to discussing my blog and book.  The “Why are you doing this?” And,  “Why would you put such personal things out there?” And, “What if this backfires for Ryan’s future?” And the most poignant, “Aren’t you just unloading your emotional trash?  Just write it down just for yourself.” 

Although I have shared a bit of the why in the first posting of my blog, I felt that it was time to revisit the question of why and to give a more detailed answer.  I hope that it will give others a better understanding.  Many may still question my motives, but at least I will have done my best to put it to rest.   

The idea of writing a book began when Ryan was young.  I kept notes on some of his very humorous sayings.  I wrote down ideas.  I began to think that I could turn some of our experiences  into a book.  The purpose being that I might be able to help others, navigate the difficult world of raising  a child with learning disabilities and to encourage and help others know they are not alone. 

When Ryan was in high school, I spoke to him about my idea of writing a book about him and our family’s journey.  By this time, Ryan had been attending a school for children with language based learning differences for five years.  He was completely aware of his differences and disabilities.  He embraced them, and was becoming a self advocate.  He did not shy away from speaking to others about himself or his struggles.  We talked about the possibility that what I would write about could help others.  I wasn’t ready to begin writing yet, but at the time, he felt that it would be a good idea and that he was supportive.  

Initially, I thought that I would wait until Ryan was in college, so that I would have more time.  Ryan and his sister would be both out of the house and both adults.  With Ryan’s full blessing, I began writing the blog right before he started college.  During the pandemic, Ryan asked me when I was going to start writing the book.  I took that as the encouragement and push that I needed to begin the process.  Again, he and I spoke about what this might mean for him.  That his life would be on the written page.  He told me again that he was OK with that. 

 Is Ryan old enough to understand the possible ramifications of his approval?  Will there be “fall out” in him being able to procure a job?  If a future employer “googles” him, what will they find?  And will this prevent him from getting the job because he has learning disabilities?   These  questions have been brought to my attention by friends.  Well the answer is maybe.  But, Ryan will need to tell the future employers of his differences from the get go anyway.  Legally, the employers can’t not hire him because of these disabilities.  And they must provide him with accommodations.  It’s better that it’s “out there” instead of hiding it and bringing it out when something serious happens while employed.  It’s about inclusion.  It’s about bringing the invisible into the light.  It’s about change.  And we and Ryan are about this change. 

Some of the issues I write about are difficult and deeply personal, and very honest.  I write about things that people don’t know about and aren’t aware of.  If I find that I’m writing about some very personal events, I always have Ryan read it first and give his blessing before I post.  Do I also get some sense of purging as I write?  Of course.  At times, when I am sitting at my computer writing, I am sobbing.  It can be very cleansing.  But I also know that the pain of reliving some of these experiences puts things into a new perspective.  That through the pain, someone who reads it may find solace and help in the words that I write.  

Finally, as a woman of faith, I believe that I have been given a difficult yet wonderful  gift in Ryan.  I need to do something with that gift.  Otherwise, what is the point of living it and experiencing it?   My soul urges me to do something to give back and help others.  I write simply to help others.  It is my purpose and my mission.  

Thank you for your support.   

How much do you do for your kids?  As parents we do everything for them when they’re babies.  As they grow we hope we do less, and that they do more.  The whole idea here is to get them to a place where they can fly away from us and take care of themselves in every aspect of their lives.  In a perfect world, this should happen.  But for those of us who have neurodiverse children, this scenario may either never happen, or an independent life for our children become somewhat of a sliding scale; some things they can do on their own and some things they need help with Chances are, there will be some things that you will always have to do for your child even when they are adults or at least help them navigate their world and help them when things go sideways.

I could talk about helicopter parenting that seems to be pervasive in society today,  and the outcomes of that which we all see on a daily basis.  That is not what this is about.  It’s about the difficulties of knowing how much to do for those of us who have neurodiverse children.  We cannot put them in the same category of typical kids even though at times we try and want to do so.

Knowing how much to do for our LD kids is a constant struggle.  We want them to be successful and we want them to be able to be as independent as possible.  We don’t want them to fail.  We don’t want them to be discouraged.  We want them to learn.  We want them to do things for themselves.  We want to make the right choices for them.  We want them to make the right choices.  We want them to figure things out for themselves.  We don’t think that they can figure things out for themselves.  We want to take care of them.  We want them to take care of themselves.   See what I did there?  The push and pull of the opposite statements. 

 EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY DAY I go through many of the above statements.  It is a constant nag in the back of my mind.  And the big question of every day is:  Will I get a phone call today from Ryan with a problem that I need  to take care of?  Everyday that I don’t get a call is a win for him and a win for me.  

When Ryan was in elementary school, his dad and I worked hard at figuring out what his difficulties were so that we could work on them, hoping that by the time he was in middle school, Ryan would have the tools he needed to be successful.  The same would occur in middle school to get Ryan ready and prepared for high school.  The problems were different and greater but the process was the same.  

In elementary school, it was all about setting up a system for getting himself ready for school.  He still needed help getting dressed.  He still needed help tying his shoes.  He needed a system to get his backpack ready for school.  We set up a system that we followed fairly religiously so that our mornings would run smoothly.  This would help prevent meltdowns in the morning.  Ryan always knew what every morning would be like.  We made sure every evening before bed that his homework was in his backpack and that it was placed near the door. I had many conversations with other parents of neurodiverse kids  about what they did or did not do for their kids.  Many were appalled at how much I did for Ryan.  I asked them what their mornings were like.  They always answered how crazy they were and how difficult it was to get their kids to school on time.  These poor kids.  Mornings for kids with ADHD without their medication on board yet is crazy.  Why would you put yourself or your child through that?  

By the time Ryan was in middle school and high school I was still doing quite a bit for him.  Making sure that he took his meds.  Making sure he had his homework complete and in his backpack.  At times I would back away from helping him with some things, to see if he would be able to manage more, and then have to go back to helping when things fell apart.  Children who are typical can learn from their mistakes and make the changes necessary to be successful. But if you have ADHD and executive function issues, it may take much longer to learn how to keep things organized and not forget to put things in their backpacks, or keep their backpacks neat and turn assignments.  It takes patience and diligence.  

I’ve been asked by friends  with neurotypical kids why I did and do so much for Ryan.  I explained why so many times.  They would also ask if I wasn’t exhausted from doing so much for him? They would tell me that he wouldn’t learn if I continued to help him.  Again – explaining – Ryan is not neurotypical.  His brain doesn’t function like your kids brains do.  His issues with executive functioning prevents him from being organized and his working memory prevents him from remembering many important things .  Yes, it was exhausting.  Still is.  But working with Ryan on all of the skills needed for him to be successful is paying off

Now that I am not with Ryan every day, now that he is living away at college, he is responsible for everything.  He is part of a program at his school that continues to help him navigate his executive function issues.  He meets with his coach two days a week.  He has access to tutors and professors.   He is now  solely responsible for taking his meds, going to his classes, turning in assignments, making appointments and getting enough sleep.  Has he forgotten to turn things in?  Yes.  Has he procrastinated so much that he hasn’t been able to make things up?  Yes.  Has he failed at times?  Yes.  Is he learning how to manage things better?  Yes.  Is he making progress?  Yes.  Does he want to quit?  No.  As he finds tools with the help of others to help him be successful,  and as his brain matures, I am doing less for him and he is doing more for himself.   

Do I still want to do things for Ryan?  No.  Do I?  Yes.  But now I try to work things through with Ryan, helping him to figure out how to do it on his own.  If it’s not possible after we discuss things, then I’ll do it.  Do I still do more for him than the typical kid?  Of course.  How long will I be doing things for Ryan?  I don’t know.  But I try to give up things little by little.  

What is the bottom line here?  If you have a child with ADHD and LD, don’t think for an instant that your child should be able to do things on their own just because they’re a certain chronological  age.  And don’t feel like a failure if they don’t. And don’t look at your other kids or other people’s kids who are neurotypical and wish your kid was like them.  Learn how to embrace your life.  It’s going to be topsy turvy for a long, long time.  You will question yourself all along the way whether or not you’re doing too much or not enough.  Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your parenting.  You’re doing the best you can do.  

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” -Mark Twain

Frustrating!  So very frustrating when your ADHD child has these “bad habits.”  But are they really just bad habits?  Or are they something else that they can’t help, something that they are compelled to do?  

I had a few compulsive behaviors when I was younger.  Most of them seemed to resolve on their own.  One stayed put,  well into my thirties.  Nail biting.   My parents tried everything:  shaming, yelling, putting nasty tasting stuff on my fingers.  Nothing worked.  I just couldn’t help myself.  Not until I finally found out that if I had acrylic nails, the biting would stop.  There are other behaviors that I was compelled to do, and some of them were very embarrassing.  So I shouldn’t have been surprised, when Ryan started to show some of these very same behaviors.  

Ryan has had a grouping of behaviors since he was small that are definitely compulsive.  We’ve tried lots of different things to get him to stop, to no avail.  Thankfully for him and us, these habits are just annoying to others and not completely physically destructive.  But bringing them quietly to his attention on a regular basis without the  notice of others in the vicinity has been difficult.  Afterall, some of these behaviors could be seen as socially unacceptable.  Many things have worked for him over the years, including fiddle toys to keep his hands busy and awareness training.  

There is an official diagnosis of these physical behaviors – Body Focused Repetitive Behaviors, or BFRB.  The diagnosis can be found in the DSM-5 under Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Some of the behaviors that fall under this heading are nail biting, knuckle and joint cracking, nose picking, skin picking, hair pulling, twirling, and visual inspection of hair.  There are actual technical words for these things but I’m not going to add them here. You can just do a quick and easy internet search of BFRB and find all kinds of information on it with a more complete listing of behaviors and official medical terms.

My purpose here in writing about BFRB is to bring awareness to it and how it can affect people with ADHD.  Children (and adults) like Ryan who have ADHD are predisposed to having BFRB.  Many people with ADHD  can have sensory seeking behavior.   These behaviors give the ADHD brain this extra sensory input they so badly need.  They can increase dopamine, and give a sense of release and pleasure and sometimes even pain that the brain craves.  They can relieve stress and give a sense of comfort.  The person can show hyperfocus on a particular behavior, which can truly baffle a neurotypical parent, especially when they can’t get their child to even focus for a few minutes on doing their homework.  And it’s even harder for the child when their parent yells at him, “for all that is holy, stop chewing that ice!” 

There can be a lot of shame in bringing your child’s compulsions to light.  For the child, these compulsions can cause embarrassment and socially awkward situations.  We want to push them under the rug, hoping and praying that no one else will notice or that “Johnny will just grow out of it.”  Well honestly, you just can’t  count on that.   You or your child may really want to stop these behaviors, but will power alone won’t be enough.  

What can we do?  Talk to your child’s therapist or psychiatrist if you have one. Presently there are no medications that will help, but psychotherapy can, and there’s different kinds of treatment modalities that can help:  Habit reversal training, awareness training, cognitive behavior therapy to name a few.  Trust me, you won’t be able to change the behavior on your own.  And you’ll just be setting up a home battlefield.  Please, just don’t.  If you don’t have a therapist, you can talk to your or your child’s doctor about your concerns, and hopefully they can steer you to an appropriate therapist.  You can also visit bfrb.org to learn more about the disorder and find clinicians in your area.  

Be kind and patient with yourself or your loved one who exhibits these behaviors.  Ask what you can do to help them.  Try not to be disgusted with them ( I know – that’s really really hard!) and encourage them.  Remember that they just can’t stop doing something because you tell them to.     

“Please clean your room.”

“It is clean”

“Uh, no it’s not.  I see clothes on the floor and on your desk. I see books and toys on the floor.  “

“Where?”

Most of us have had the above conversation with our children.  And most of us have experienced this situation getting worse when our kids become teenagers.  The threats of “if you don’t clean your room, you can’t go out, or you’re grounded, or – we’re having company over so you need to clean your room, or-fine, I’ll just shut the door.  Or the best one – the cleaners are coming and if you don’t clean your room then your room won’t get cleaned.   None of these threats or requests make any difference. So, imagine this scenario, with someone who has ADHD, who’s a teenager, or a young adult, or maybe an older adult.  I’m sure many of you have your own scenarios to add to the above situations.  

We don’t understand why someone would want to live in an ungodly mess.  Many of us even ask ourselves why we ourselves continue to live in an ungodly mess.  Even with the begging and pleading of “Please, clean your room!”  It either never gets done or it only partially gets done.  

One of my “favorite” scenarios” with Ryan,  was he would start to clean and then get sidetracked with finding something,  and  stopping and playing with it. And then find something else like a book, and reading that. And then finding something else,  leave his room with it,  and play with it somewhere else in the house.   No matter when he would start to clean his room, it would never get done in one sitting.    Many times he would just go into his room, stare at it, and say, “I have no idea where to start.”

With an ADHD mind, a messy, busy bedroom  just mirrors the mind.  Lots of things going on, thoughts all over the place and very little order.  So if you ask this person to clean their room, their brain just can’t see what can or should be done, and what’s especially difficult is where to begin. It becomes so overwhelming .   Just expecting a non neurotypical kid to just clean his room, is an exercise in futility.

When we thought Ryan was old enough to clean his room by himself, it became very clear that he just wouldn’t be able to without direction.  We broke down tasks into one at a time.  We learned to use a saying from one of his educational therapists which was “First Things First”.  Taking the most obvious, most important task, and doing that first.  We’d walk in Ryan’s room with him, and ask him what he thought should be done first, and then he would do that.  When he was done with that, then we would choose a second thing to do, and so on.  Sometimes, if a lot needed to be done, we would give him frequent breaks for five or  ten minutes,  and then come back to the room and work on another task.  

We learned though that Ryan’s bedroom would not stay clean for long, maybe a day or two at best.  Clothes on the floor, books all over the place, legos strewn everywhere.  We really have had to just learn to live with it.  Until Ryan left for college, we asked him to clean his room once a week, and then just let the chips fall.  His door was to remain closed if it was intolerable to the outside world, which of course was frequently.   I have learned to accept that is just the way Ryan is.  Maybe it will get better with age, and maybe not.  

As I sit at my desk and write this, I look around and my desk is messy.  I walk in my bedroom, and it is messy.  I clean my bedroom a few times a week, and then it just goes back to being messy.  My closet is messy and boy is my mind messy.   At times, I get frustrated with myself at how messy I can be.  Good grief, you’d think that by now in my life I’d be able to get this right.  But sadly no.  I have every intention of keeping things nice and neat.  And I’m constantly trying to keep things in their place.  But that is just not to be.  I even still hear my own mother yelling at me to clean my room.  This makes me feel ashamed.  How can I possibly expect my child to keep a clean room, when I can’t keep my own room clean?  I need to be a little kinder to myself and kinder to Ryan.  

Realization  dawns on me again that I have no doubt where Ryan gets his ADHD from.  Yes, that would be from  me.    Oh boy, what a gift!  Ryan and I share a bit of the wild goings on inside our brains!  Woo hoo!   For that  I should be more understanding and patient with him and myself.   It makes us who we are.  Just don’t expect a clean room.  That’s just impossible.  

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.”

– Mark Twain

This week’s post is about an issue that many people with ADHD face, including our family.  It’s quite personal and serious.  But it’s important for me to share in the hopes that others who are going  through a similar experience will see that they are not alone and that there is help for them.  ( ***This post has been pre approved by Ryan.) 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAA”, screams Ryan.  “Where is it? I can’t find it. Where did it go?”  

 I hear things being thrown.  I hear yelling, screaming.  

“What are you looking for, Ryan?”  I ask. 

 “None of your business,  leave me alone!” he yells back. 

 “Could you please lower your voice and stop yelling?”

“No!”

“Can I help?”

“Noooooo!”

Sigh.  This has been the way Ryan has been almost his entire life.  Small things can become a long and painful temper tantrum.  We never knew then, now, when, how or what would set him off.  Sometimes things like being tired, hungry,  or frustrated feelings  about other things can make these outbursts worse.  One thing for sure, it’s exhausting trying to figure out why it happens.   It’s an ongoing issue,  And the older he’s gotten, the outbursts have been more damaging.  

This problem that I’ve described above  is called emotional dysregulation.  And it is very common in people who have ADHD.  The prefrontal cortex (specifically the amygdala which handles emotional reaction and decision making) has a problem with activation in ADHD brains, which could explain the difficulty in managing emotions, frustration and anger.  As you read this, you may live with someone who has a “short” fuse, or be this way yourself.  Are you or someone you know over emotional, or get overly upset about something that really is minor?  I know that I have a tendency to be this way.  (I know if my siblings are reading this, they’re saying”Yep!, that’s Melissa!”)

I know it’s frustrating for Ryan when he finds himself in one of these uncontrollable outbursts.  When it’s all over, he feels horrible about it.  And for the rest of us who are there being a part of the outbursts, we find it frustrating as well.  We don’t understand why he goes through it, we want him to stop and we want him to control himself.  Well, if only it were that easy.

This is a trait that will last for life.  The damage that can be done is greater  the older one gets.  So what can be done?  For one thing, it can’t be helped without professional help.  All the pleading, talking, positive reinforcement, rewards, punishment, etc. may work in the short run but not in the long run.  Sweeping it under the rug doesn’t work.  And it can be horribly embarrassing when the outbursts happen in public or at a friend’s or family’s home.  It’s even difficult to admit to yourself that you alone can’t handle it, and the guilt that you can’t handle it is painful too.  

I hope that by “putting this out there”, that others who read this can gain a clearer understanding of what life is like with someone who has ADHD.  And I hope that if you read this and live with someone who has ADHD and shows the signs of emotional dysregulation, that you aren’t alone, and that you can and should bring this to  your child’s doctor’s attention. Working with behaviorists and psychologists is an invaluable tool.   They will help give you and your child tools to help manage the behavior and help make  life better.  And try to remember that it’s a brain thing, not a naughty out of control child.  You will need to be patient.  Some tools will work, and others won’t.  Some tools may work for a while, and then they won’t.  Being consistent is important, but at times very difficult to maintain.   The entire family may need to be in therapy together to work through how to manage things best.     And remember your ADHD child is just as bothered and confused  about their outbursts as you are.  Be loving, kind and patient to your child and yourself.  Find the help you need, and then face each day anew. 

 

“Honesty:  the best of all the lost arts.”

                            Mark Twain

Ooooof.  My life has been defined by worry and anxiety.  Even with having a healthy spiritual and self reflective life, I continue to struggle with these lovely attributes that I have.  As a child I was called “worry wart” by my siblings.  I worried myself sick if my parents didn’t get home when they said they would.  I would stand by the window, crying, just waiting for them to show up.  As I got older, this kind of worry would continue when friends would be late.  I have had no reason to be like this.  Noone ever abandoned me.  Of course now, cell phones have saved me from this issue (thank God for small favors!).  Maybe it’s just that I want to be in control of every aspect of my life.  So you can guess what my life has been like since I’ve had kids.  And it’s all been made worse by having one child with ADHD and learning differences and one child with Celiac disease..  

So imagine my angst when Ryan started exhibiting signs of developmental delays and ADHD.  I was already a mom that worried about the “normal” aspects of child rearing:  worried when the kids were sick, worried that they weren’t eating enough or eating too much, worried when they wouldn’t fall asleep. Worried, worried, worried!  

Worry, anxiety and stress are killers.  And I’m not talking about just physically.  They can also be  emotional, mental  and relationship killers.  You can picture the worried mother, with hair a mess, furrowed brow, staying up all night thinking about all of the things that have, will and might go wrong with her kids.  Well, that’s not completely me, just a little bit me.  Yes, I’ve lost sleep, and yes I have the furrowed brow – but my hair? -Oh no, that’s not a mess!  I’ve been on meds and been in therapy to learn tools to help with the  sometimes overwhelming feelings. But even with that, I still have this underlying relentless  feeling of worry.    I have high blood pressure, and sometimes I stress eat.  I  do lose sleep,  which lowers my body’s ability to fight off illness,  and has left me so exhausted that I have no desire to exercise and take care of myself.

We can wallow in our anxiety and stress, which at times I have, almost to the point of paralyzing me into doing nothing all day.  I’ve been told, “Don’t worry, everything will be just fine!” or “Why are you so worried?  It doesn’t help anything!”  Or as my mother would famously say, (may her memory be a blessing) “It is what it is, don’t worry.”  If it were only so easy.  For many of us who have friends and family who seem to be calm in every storm and nonreactive to the little bumps in life along the way, we have two ways of thinking about them.  First,  we are slightly resentful of their ability to ride the waves of life with a calm and cool head, and second, we’re resentful that they don’t seem to understand that we think they should be a bit more worried about that stressful, worrisome event that we’re worried about.  They don’t understand us, and we don’t understand them.  But, if I’m honest with myself,  I really just want to be more like them.  

Take my mother for instance;  you know the one who always said, “It is, what it is.”  My mom said that to me so often, that at times I just wanted to scream.  (Which I always did, just in my head.)  If anyone had a reason to have worry and anxiety, it was her.  Growing up during the depression, living through World War 2, having 4 children, and losing her husband when he was 59 and she was 54, gave her ample reason to be an anxious, worried woman.  But what all of this experience did for her instead,  was give her a mighty strength  and a gentle spirit and she had an incredible faith in God.   

After my mom passed away last year at the age of 94, I’ve been reminded of how her cool, calm manner is something that I aim to emulate in my life..  The key is though,  of how to do it.   It’s always easier said than done.  I’ve started to ask myself in certain situations, “What would Mom do?”  And I’ll take a moment to think about it.  

So, I aim to work on my anxiety and fears by praying, taking deep breaths, exercising, meditating  and being more present.  There will still be times when my worries will overtake me, but if I take a moment and remember my mom, and hear her voice, I can say, “It is, what it is.” , and go on my way.   This way, I can do a bit better with my worries and anxiety, and also carry my mom’s spirit with me wherever I go.   

***If you find yourself dealing with overwhelming anxiety, please contact your doctor.  They will help you find a therapist and provide medication for you.  There is hope.) ***

Where’s the off switch?  Well, simply the  answer, there is none.  There are moments I wish there were.  Many  moments, in fact.  Oh how I wish there were.  And I keep looking for it, and I still can’t find it, even after more than twenty years.  How is it that someone’s brain can be this active, ALL the time?  For all that is holy, close the mouth, be quiet, please stop talking, can you please be quiet?  For ONE  minute.  Just ONE minute.  Well, maybe for thirty seconds.  Maybe….. Ummmm, nope.  

This is typical of someone who has ADHD.  They just have to get it all out.  Much to the annoyance and impatience of the neurotypical person.  And much to the annoyance of every single person in the family.  I know it can’t be helped.  We all know it can’t be helped.  But even with that knowledge, it’s still so very difficult to live it and accept it.

Some days are easier to listen.  Others, not so much.  What makes one day different than another?  Energy, patience, strength, willingness, etc.  It’s like having a perpetual toddler, who now knows how to talk and wants to know everything there is to know about everything.  And then wants to share everything that they know about everything.  And if there’s something exciting going on?  Good luck.  The mouth becomes somewhat of a racing car.   And the racing car has bicycle brakes.  There’s no chance of stopping it once it’s started.

Do I have any advice for anyone else out there who has been blessed with a motor mouth?  Whether yours or someone else’s?  Not really.  Medication only helps to a certain degree.  Too much medication and you’ll get a zombie, and that’s just not acceptable, it’s just cruel, because you’re medicating your child for you and not  the kid with ADHD.  Working hard at maintaining your own cool head is the best thing you can do, and also know how you’re feeling before spending time with your beloved child, so that you can try to manage your own responses to the chatterbox.  You can tell them before you get in the car,  that you’re already feeling frazzled,  or tired might help.  (I repeat, “might”.)  Asking them if they can be quiet for a bit after they finish telling you their story can possibly help.  Taking quiet deep breaths can help.  One thing that has helped me,  is after I get home, I just find a quiet place for myself and give myself a bit of downtime.  Whether it’s reading, or writing, or just closing my eyes and breathing.  

It’s not easy. And I’m going to stop right here.  After all, I don’t want to “talk” too much.  The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree…….

Fear of loss

Fear of failure

Fear of friendlessness

Fear of fear itself

Fear of being ostracized

Fear of pain

Fear of illness

Fear of hate

Fear of madness

Fear of anxiety

Fear of depression

Fear of unfairness

Fear of doubt

Fear of instability

Fear of disaster

Fear of sadness

Fear of anger……

Hope for love

Hope for success

Hope for friends

Hope for life

Hope for help

Hope for happiness

Hope for calmness

Hope for compassion

Hope for stability

Hope for good health

Hope for contentment

Hope for the future

Hope for clarity

Hope for peace

Hope for hope’s sake

Hope for strength

Hope for family

Hope for meaning

Hope for fairness

Hope for safety

Hope in God

Extinguish the fear.  Ignite the hope.

                            Happy New Year –  Melissa