Category: Uncategorized

Is it a Reason or an Excuse?

“I can’t do that because I have ADHD.”

“I was late because the traffic was terrible.”

“I have to drop the class because I just can’t seem to get my homework done.”

“I can’t get housework done. I’m just too busy.”

“I have ADHD; it’s harder for me to focus on things that aren’t interesting.”  

“I’m sorry I’m late, I have time blindness and need to work on finding tools that will help me.”

“I  have to drop the class because I keep forgetting to set my alarm.  I am working on getting better at setting my alarm in the evening.”

“Due to my busy schedule, I find it hard to get housework done.  I need to work on my time management skills so I don’t live in a pigsty.”

“I can’t help it; I’m so disorganized.  This is just the way I am. ” 

“I can’t come to see you.  I have anxiety and claustrophobia, so I can’t get on an airplane.”  

Are these reasons, or excuses?  Some are reasons, and some are excuses. And how many times can you use a reason before it becomes an excuse? And, what’s the difference?  According to Dictionary.com a reason and an excuse are:

Reason:

noun:

A cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event.

Excuse:

verb:

Attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offense); seek to defend or justify.

noun:

A reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense.

Confused?  Let’s try this:
A reason explains why something happened, while an excuse is an attempt to avoid blame or responsibility. Reasons are often based on logic or evidence, while excuses are often focused on the negative. 

Sometimes, what we think are reasons end up becoming excuses.  Sometimes, we have people in our lives who get frustrated with us and don’t accept our “reasons” anymore and say to us, “ well that’s just an excuse.”  Sometimes, we have people in our lives who don’t accept any of our “reasons” and they’re only accepted as “excuses”.  When do we know when the reasons we give really are just excuses?  Oh, the water is so very muddy.    And when we are trying to defend ourselves, one can see why there could be so much confusion in whether it’s a reason or an excuse.  So, how do we help ourselves and others when we are tyring to defend ourselves, or give explanations for our behavior? And when do we realize ourselves that we really are just making excuses for our behavior?  Is it even possible to unravel this mess?

My answer is that it may not be simple. But maybe some self-reflection on behavior is in order, which could possibly help you use reasons more and excuses less.

The following are some questions you can ask yourself. 

  1. Do you often shoot down someone’s suggestion to help with a problem/reason/excuse?  For example:  If you have a fear of flying/feel claustrophobic when flying, and your friend tells you that you can get help for that by taking medications or by getting therapy, and you shut them down.  
  2. What is really going on with the issue that you are making excuses for?  Maybe your reason/excuse is covering up the true underlying cause.
  3. Are you feeling shame about the underlying cause
  4. Are you avoiding the root cause
  5.  Are the people who matter most to you beginning to give up on you?
  6. How are your excuses affecting your life and relationships?
  7. How often are you using reasons or excuses in your daily life?

All of us, neurotypical or not, often use reasons and excuses.  But, for ADHDers,  excuses and lies can be a common and even daily occurrence.  Why?  Because life can simply be harder for and ADHDer.  It is a way to protect themselves when faced with difficult tasks.  When life experiences are difficult, it is easier for them to say to themselves,” Well, it’s just too hard, and I’m going to come up with a reason (or excuse) to get out of it.”   Or they feel defeated, or overwhelmed and then they often shut down.  The way forward is challenging and takes a great amount of effort and bravery and honesty.  Sometimes the effort is just too much How do they move on and get the support that they need without the people in their life giving up on them?  

ADHDers need a village.  First, having a patient, loving family and friends who understand who the ADHDer is and supports them and encourages them to seek the help they need through therapy and coaching.  Second, having people in their lives who encourage them to be honest and open,  Third, having supporters be good listeners and offer help when asked.  Fourth, learning how to step back and take a pause to get their own emotions in check before engaging in conversation.  Fifth, working with  a therapist could be  needed to unravel the past as well as getting to the crux of the matter as to what is truly behind the excuses and then rebuild confidence.  Finally, using a coach to find tools that will work to be successful in whatever endeavor is being tried to be reached.  

What do I have to say to the ADHD reader?  Self-reflection is hard and scary work.  Coming up with reasons and excuses is hard.  If you fall into the habit of lying, initially it feels like a relief that you got out of something, but eventually you will be found out. The stress is immense.   I’m sure this is a horrifying thought and the consequences are greater because of it.  There can be so much shame.  But coming clean and asking for help can be so liberating.  Is there one person in your life that you confide in, judge-free,  and ask for help?   

For those of you reading this who have the ADHDer in their life who makes excuses, maybe it’s time to have a calm and supportive conversation with them.  Be supportive and non-judgmental, and ask them if you can help them. You might just end up being their lifeline.  

“There are a thousand excuses for failure but never a good reason.”-Mark Twain

My Phone is My Kryptonite

I can’t get away from my phone.  It’s worse than a toddler.  I take it with me wherever I go.  I put it on the table next to me at restaurants, meals at home, next to me on the desk in my office.  I bring it with me to the bathroom.  (Ewwww you say?  Please, like you don’t do that!)   If I don’t “hear” it pinging every so often, I pick it up and look at it.  I can’t help checking my emails, or scrolling through social media, or playing games on it, or listening to podcasts or ebooks.  It prevents me from being completely present at meetings, at lunches, at family get togethers.  If I do happen to leave it somewhere, I panic and frantically look for it, even using my find device from my watch, or have whomever I’m with call it.   When I find it, I breathe a sigh of relief.  Like I said it’s worse than having a toddler.   Oh and if it goes off in the middle of the night,  it wakes me up and then I can’t go back to sleep.  It’s my Kryptonite!  I don’t like it.  I want it to stop.  I think I may be addicted to it.  

Although the above is me, I hear it from friends and clients all the time.  For clients, it’s especially hard, because they have ADHD.  For ADHDers a phone is a double-edged sword.  On one hand, it helps with alarms, timers, reminders, and directions, and can help with time blindness. There are apps designed specifically for people with ADHD.  Ah, such a blessing!

On the other hand, it’s a tool for destruction!  Phones can “encourage” procrastination, and provide easy access for research that can cause the person to go down rabbit holes,  or other information seeking behavior and dopamine hits.  It’s easier for an ADHDer to pick up their phone and play a game or scroll incessantly through TikTok videos so they can avoid more difficult tasks, like …well, any productive task.   Ah, such a curse!  Phones can also prevent the neurodivergent from uncomfortable social situations.  If you’re in a large group of people and you have social anxiety, you can just put your face in your phone.  As one client put it, I just can’t have my phone near me .  It’s especially bad at work beause I’m not getting work done.  And if you work from home?  Ugh, forget about being as productive as you should be.  

I’m here to tell you that hope is not lost!  There are tools to change your life for the better and help you get things done and get your face out of your phone. First, admit you have a difficult relationship with your phone, or computer, or ipad, or any other device that is getting in your way.  And yes, you do have a relationship with it, even though it’s an inanimate object.  Have a verbal conversation with it.  Yes, I know that sounds weird, but sometimes, verbalizing things out loud can help.  Tell it how it’s getting in your way, that you don’t like it.  Tell it you need it but on your terms only.  Tell it that you’re going to give it some boundaries.  Side note:  What’s really nice about this “conversation” is that it doesn’t talk back.  How wonderful is that?  Now,  for the boundaries:

-When you get to work, if you can, put it on DND, then put it away, whether in your purse or a drawer that you have to get up from your chair in order to get it.  At break time, take it out and check for any messages or emails.  Once you have finished checking, put it back in the drawer or purse or anywhere that’s away from you. 

-If you use your phone for timers, consider switching to a kitchen timer instead.  That way you aren’t having to pick up your phone when the alarm goes off and then start doing something else on it.  

-If you work from home and your phone happens to also be your work phone, you can still use DND for non work related people.  You can also put your phone in another room or in a drawer with the sound up high, so that you can hear it when it rings or pings.  The point here is to get it out of sight.

-When out to lunch or dinner with friends and family, put it in your pocket or purse or even give it to someone to hold.  That way you won’t be tempted to rudely check your phone during the meal.  Oh,  and also put your phone on DND.  

-If you’re a student, put your phone on DND and put it in your backpack at the beginning of class.  Leave it there for the entire class.

-If you’re a parent and your kids feel that they should have access to you 24/7? Have a conversation with them about boundaries.  This will also prevent you from picking up your phone and checking for calls or texts from them all the time. 

-Schedule certain times and lengths of time during the day that you reward yourself with games, social media and videos.  Set a timer and have fun.  When the timer goes off, return your phone to “jail”  (the drawer or purse or anywhere else you will have difficulty getting to)

-If you frequently look at your phone while you’re driving, put it in the glove compartment.  

-Recruit a friend or family member to help keep you on track.  They may even need help with this as well.  Or even talk with a group of friends and tell them what you’re trying to accomplish.  You just might be surprised that they want to join you and try to lessen their own screen time.

– Do you have trouble at night and take your phone to bed with you,  and hours later, when you should be asleep, you’re still on the dang thing?  Well, we all know what science says about that.  You need 30 minutes without screen time to get to sleep.  Not only is the blue light terrible for sleep, but the brain is still firing on all cylinders. This is really not good for ADHD brains!  If this is you, plug in your phone on a dresser or table out of reach before you get into bed.  And if you are a middle-of-the-night waker/phone player, your phone is out of reach, and you’ll have an automatic pause to think before you get up and get the phone.  No one wants to get out of bed in the middle of the night anyway unless they have to go pee, and not even then.  

I admit, that these are simple and common sense tools.  But at the same time, difficult.  Habits that have been built over time are hard to break.  The habits may take just as long to break as they did to build.  Therefore, I encourage you to do just one thing that will help.  If you are successful with it, then add another.  Figure out which one of your phone habits will be easiest to break and then take action.  Little steps, little steps.  I know what I’m going to do, do you?

         “Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs one step at a time”.   -Mark Twain

Self-Sabotage

You have all at the same time:

Registered for full-time coursework at college

You have taken a part-time job

You have joined numerous school clubs

You have made a commitment to working out five days a week

You go out with your friends multiple times a week.

You believe you can do this.  You are motivated.  Even if you have struggled in the past.  You even struggled last semester and weren’t successful, but this time, you’ve got it!  You’re going to do it!  It’s a lot, but hey, it’s a new year and you are excited!

Two to three weeks later:

You are behind in your classwork and have failed at least one test

You aren’t getting enough sleep

You are living on energy drinks

You aren’t working out

You’re still having fun with friends

You’re working your part-time job but struggling to get to work on time

You’re beginning to get concerned…..

Four to six weeks later:

You have had to drop a class or two because you simply aren’t getting to class, turning in papers, and/or have failed every test

You are procrastinating everything – doing classwork, cleaning your apartment, going to the market to get food.  Instead, you watch endless videos, or play video games and movies

You’re still living on energy drinks

You are staying up later and later

You are missing more and more classes because you need to sleep

You are no longer motivated

Six to eight weeks later:

You have dropped all of your classes

You may still have your job because you need money to survive

You feel horrible about yourself and wonder why you just can’t do the things you set out to do.  You think, “Everyone else seems to be able to do it so why can’t you? “ 

This happens all of the time with everything you set out to do.   You feel that you can’t be successful at all, since everything you do seems to fall apart and you quit, so why bother at all?

Self-loathing and shame has set in.  

You find yourself lying to everyone who asks how you are and what’s going on in your life.

The above scenario is about a college student who is self-sabotaging.  This may not be your scenario because you aren’t a college student, but you  see yourself in a similar scenario in your present life.

  According to Dictionary.com, self-sabotage is:

  • “behavior or thoughts, especially of an involuntary or unconscious nature, that are harmful to one’s own interests or development.”

Self-sabotage can be a typical symptom of ADHD.  And it can become a vicious cycle.  Often, as stated above, it is unconscious and involuntary.  Often, someone may be self-sabotaging from an early age and when they become an adult, their life seems to come to a complete halt because of it.   The reasons for it are plenty and personal and possibly stem from feelings of failure and not being good enough, and even not being diagnosed with ADHD.  

When self-sabotage becomes a way of life, what can actually be done about it?  Here a few tips that can help.  

  1.  Identify self-sabotage in yourself.  This is always a first step in getting help.  Accept that there is no shame in admitting your behavior.  
  2. Get help.  Therapy will help root out the cause and help you face reasons for your behavior. Cognitive behavior therapy can be used to move forward and help prevent future self-sabotage.  Coaching can help you with tools to help prevent self-sabotage and find tools to help you succeed in future endeavors. 
  3. If you have ADHD, learn to accept that your brain works differently and that you may need to lessen your “load” to be successful.   For instance, 16 credits/units in school may be too much for you.  Having a part-time job while carrying a full load in school may be too much.  When you plan your schedule, be honest and assess whether or not the amount of work you have set yourself up to do is something you can actually do.  If you have any doubts, remove something.   Pause and self-reflect when you say to yourself, “I should be able to do all of this.  My friends can do it all, so why aren’t I able to?”  Ask yourself, “Should I be able to do this? “  If your answer is no because you are neurodivergent, then accept yourself for who you are.    Take small steps towards your life goals – not everything all at once, so that overwhelm doesn’t kick you in the butt.  Having an  academic or ADHD coach can help you evaluate what will work better for you.
  4. If you aren’t an adult and not in school, learn how to take things one step at a time and slow down.  Getting excited about working full time, taking on a home project, planning parties, working out five days a week, and beginning and learning a new art or craft?  Take a pause and ask yourself, “Is this too much?”  Take on one or two things, be successful with those two and then add another goal or activity. 
  5. When someone asks you to do something for them or join a new group, instead of jumping in right away and saying yes, pause and don’t say yes right away.  Take time to think and tell the person you’ll get back to them.  It can be embarrassing when you say you’ll do something and then bail because you simply don’t have the bandwidth.  
  6. Have a close friend or family member who can gently keep you in check.   

Are you finding yourself stuck and continuously going in a cycle of self-sabotage?  There is hope.  There is something you can do.  Take a breath and reach out to someone for help.  

“With courage, you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate and the wisdom to be humble.  Courage is the foundation of integrity.”

-Mark Twain

I am tired

Questions from friends and family:

  1. “How do you do it?”
  2. “You must be exhausted!”
  3. “I could never do it!”
  4. “I had no idea how difficult things were.”
  5. “Aren’t you tired?”
  6. “Are you getting help?”
  7. “Why don’t you _________________?”(fill in the blank)
  8. “Why are you so sad?”

Corresponding answers to the questions above from  me:

  1. “I just do it.”
  2. “I am exhausted.  All  the time.”
  3. “You would, too, if you were in the same situation.”
  4. “Most people don’t have any idea how difficult things are.  Many times I hide these difficulties.”
  5. “Yes, I’m tired.  Oh, so tired.  It’s different from physical exhaustion.  It’s a mental tiredness.”
  6. “Of course, I” ‘m getting help in every way possible.  But even with the help, the issues are always there.  Always lurking, waiting to come to the surface.”
  7. Verbal response:  “Thank you, I’ll take that under advisement and think about it.” Nonverbal response:  “Are you kidding me? “
  8. “My kid is neurodivergent.  I am sad for them.  They have to work so hard to fit into a neurotypical world.  Our family has had to pay the cost of this in so many ways.  Yes, I celebrate their differences, but at the same time, it is hard.”

For the past twenty-plus years, I have been hearing and answering the above questions.  I understand the curiosity and concern of those who have asked those questions.  I am glad that I had and still have these close friends and family who are in my corner, trying to understand and attempting to help.  But at the same time,  I have grown tired of the questions and even more exhausted in trying to answer them when I simply no longer have any interest in answering them.  This is not to say that I don’t appreciate the care and concern.  Really, the bottom line to what I am trying to say is that I am simply tired.

Just when I have started to think that maybe I won’t have to work so hard, that finally, life will get easier,  that my job at raising a neurodivergent son will soon be over, and that I can ride off into the sunset with ease,   reality hits again. My thoughts turn to nope, not yet, not now, or maybe never.  I have felt like giving up at times.  I have wanted to run away at times.  I have lost hope.  I have cried and cried and cried.  I have yelled and railed against God. I am tired.   But I continue to move on.  I take some time out.  I find time to spend alone.  I do the things that refill me – reading, praying, writing, hiking, yoga, nature, sleeping.  These things fill my tank with hope and joy. 

Although the above is my personal experience,  there are countless parents out there who feel exactly the same way I do and are experiencing life the same way.  You may be one of them.  Or you may know someone like me.  I often write this kind of blog not as a way to garner sympathy but as a tool for others to understand what it’s like to raise a neurodivergent child and for support for parents who are raising a neurodivergent child.  In many cases, raising or caring for that child doesn’t end when they become adults.  

To those who are my friends and family, I continue to need your love and support.  Sometimes I don’t want to talk about myself or Ryan or my family.  I just want to enjoy time with you and have a good time, a good laugh, a good meal, a fun game, and a good bottle of wine.  This time is my respite.  Instead of answering your questions, I may establish a boundary and say, “Sorry, I’m not talking about that tonight.  But thanks for asking.”  Please accept that response and know that I will do so when and if I want to talk. 

For those reading this and are parents of a neurodivergent child, discover the things in your life that you enjoy doing and make time for them.  Find a support group, whether online or in person.  Being around other parents who are going through similar things can help you not feel so alone.  Build your village around you by keeping those friends who support you and walking away from those who don’t.  You need people who love you, not judgmental ones who may blame you for who your child is.  These people don’t understand and don’t want to.  Please remember that you are not alone, which sounds like a platitude, but I am here.  I will listen, and I will support you.   

Being a Know-It-All

Recently, I was with a group of friends whom I love and adore.  As usual, our conversation was lively, informative,  and fun,  and a good time was had by all.  There was a lot of banter and many different opinions.  At one point, I sat back to listen and watch the show.  Trust me, it really was a show.  As I watched and listened to people agreeing and disagreeing, it dawned on me that everyone around the table was a Know-It-All, me included.  I’m sure some of us rubbed each other the wrong way and may have inwardly rolled our eyes.  I won’t go into specific details of what anyone specifically said or did, as I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus, again myself included. I try not to be living in the glass house throwing stones.  But, it dawned on me during this reflection that no one likes a Know-It-All.  This thought progressed to- what happens when a singular person stands out in a group as a Know-It-All.  And then-  what drives a person to be  Know-It-All?  And then I finally landed on, what can be done about it?

What has this got to do with ADHD?  Well, more than you think.  ADHDers often feel that they aren’t good at anything.  They often feel they have to prove to others that they are smart.  On top of this, many ADHDer’s are so interested in a particular subject or topic, that they learn everything they can possibly learn about it, and then want to share that information with anyone who will listen.  They become very excited about this topic and want to share it with the world, because,  why not?  Why wouldn’t anyone want to hear about your discovery? Even if they truly don’t have any interest in it?  From the ADHDer’s point of view, it’s showing their friend or family member that they know a lot about something which proves they’re not dumb or good at anything.  It makes them feel better about themselves and even helps them to feel worthy.

Adding to these feelings of inadequacies, an ADHDer might have a strong black and white opinion on something that they believe to be true.  This often will give them a sense of security in their thinking.  When faced with a differing opinion or “proof” that the ADHDer is wrong, the ADHDer may blow up and become belligerent and attempt to defend their position without being able to actually verbally explain or support  their position.  It can be devastating for them when challenged.  Their belief system which has given them security is now being usurped by something they simply either cannot or will not make sense to them. Imagine how that might feel.  

I was having a conversation with an ADHDer about her own struggles with being a Know-it-All.  No, it wasn’t me having a conversation with myself, although it could have been.  She was explaining that she feels smart and worthy when she learns a skill almost to perfection and then is able to teach someone else that skill.  But, she gets herself in trouble when she teaches the skill and the “student” doesn’t do something right and she then just takes over and does it for the student, pointing out all the things that the student was doing wrong.  She also struggles with watching others do something inadequately or in her opinion is wrong,  and she just jumps right in to tell them that they’re doing it all wrong, and then says  “here’s what you need to do to fix it”.  She doesn’t have the ability to stop and think before she just jumps in.  

Bottom line, an ADHDer who is a Know-It-All projects themselves like this to make them feel good about themselves. That they are worthy, that they are important, and that they are smart.  

Do you have someone in your life like this?  Or do you suspect that you  are a Know-It-All with or without ADHD?  Nobody really wants to be the obnoxious Know-It-All.  So what can you do about it?

If you suspect that you are a Know-It-All, and you don’t want to be like this, you might want to have a conversation with a coach or therapist.  At least have a conversation with the people who are most important to you and ask them if they see you as a Know-It-All.  Yes, it’s a conversation that can be difficult.  But it can be so valuable and improve your relationships.    Ask yourself why you might be like this, and ask yourself how you might find better ways to express yourself.  Using the power of the pause is a great tool to use.  Take a breath before you speak and ask yourself if this is the right place or time to tell someone about your “new discovery” or if it’s the right time to tell someone they’re doing something wrong, or just bowling in and taking over something another person is doing wrong. You might ask if the person wants help?  And if they say no, take a breath, say OK, and walk away.   Ask yourself how you would want to be treated in this situation.  Again, getting to the reasons behind your Know-It-All behavior may possibly need to be addressed with a therapist or coach to work through feelings of “not good enough”. Yes, I am aware that I  repeated myself  about getting outside help. I did that on purpose. 

If you have a Know-It-All in your life, and they are simply driving you crazy, think about how you can be  empathetic and use kind language when you address them.  Ask yourself what might be the reasons behind their behavior?  Don’t ignore them or shun them because they make you uncomfortable.  Communicate clearly and softly that you appreciate their sharing their ideas, thoughts and opinions, but at the same time gently tell them that even though they might be interested in the topic they’re sharing, that you simply don’t have as much enthusiasm about it that they do and don’t share their interest,  and then ask if you could talk about something else.  If they like to tell you how to do something that you clearly know how to do, tell them kindly that you know what you’re doing and will ask for help if you need it.

  If you are a parent of, a spouse of, or have a dear friend who is a Know-It-All, it might just help if you frequently tell them how much you care for and love them and how you respect and are in awe of their very special brain.  Tell them how impressed you are by the knowledge they possess.  Set aside some specific time for them to share their knowledge with you when you can just sit and listen. Before the conversation starts, set up your boundaries, explaining how much time you have and then when the time is up, gently end the conversation, and reiterate to your Know-It-All, how impressed you are by their knowledge.   

So next time you say “Ugh, he’s such a Know-It-All”, you might just stop for a second and reflect.

“Each of us know it all, and knows he know it all– the rest, to a man, are fools and eluded. One man knows there is a hell, the next one knows there isn’t; one man knows monarchy is best, the next one knows it isn’t; one man knows high tariff is right, the next man knows it isn’t; one man knows there are witches, the next one knows there aren’t; one sect knows its religion is the only true one. There are sixty-four thousand five hundred million sects that know it isn’t so.”

― Mark Twain, The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain

Nutrition for the ADHD Brain

I put the following information together for a college student that I coach, who had asked me for my assistance and advice regarding his nutrition. As a nurse and a mother who raised an ADHD son, I have spent numerous hours on researching and learning about ADHD specific nutrition, and working with Ryan over his twenty four years on how to get the best and most bang for everything that is put into his body. . Although I am not a Registered Dietitian, as a Registered Nurse, I am able to offer education as well as an educated opinion. I do not offer advice on specific diets, but if asked I will again offer my advice through my nursing lens. I also do not recommend specific amounts or servings of food, or IU’s or mcgs, or mgs of any supplement, vitamin or mineral. Please be aware that this is just an overview and snapshot of nutrition for the ADHD brain, and have kept it as simple as possible. . As you know, there are hundreds of books on nutrition which include scientific background. I have kept it as simple as possible.

Nutrition is just one piece of the 4 most important things an ADHDer can do to help their brain operate at its best. The other 3 are sleep, exercise and medication/supplements. Future blogs will address those 3.

Focus on:

Veges
Fruits
Good sources of protein:  (Having some source or protein in every meal and snack can help with ADHD symptoms. Protein takes longer to metabolize and will keep your blood sugar more stable.) 
 eggs
        Lean meats
        Yogurt
        Cheese
        Nuts
        Legumes:  lentils, beans, peas
        Peanut butter (no added sugar and also a good source of healthy fat)
Healthy fats:  
        Fatty fish which is high in omega -3 fatty acids  (Salmon, anchovies,herring, mackerel, black cod, sardines, bluefin tuna, whitefish, striped bass)
        Avocados
        Nuts

Complex carbohydrates: Carbohydrates are what the brain gets its initial energy from. Complex carbs will take longer to process metabolically and keep your blood sugar more stable.
legumes: lentils, beans, peas (also high in protein)
Quinoa (also high in protein)
Brown rice
Oatmeal
Whole grains: whole grain pasta and breads

Foods that have good sources of:

Vitamin B’s: leafy greens, broccoli, chickpeas
Zinc, iron and magnesium: poultry, seafood, meat, nuts and soy

Supplements to consider: Even in a perfectly balanced diet, people with ADHD could use evtra help!
DHA
Omega 3 fatty acids
B complex

A word on Vitamin C: Yes you can take it, but make sure it is taken either 1 hour before or 1 hour after you take your ADHD meds. Vitamin C reduces the effectiveness of ADHD meds if taken close to a meal.

Foods to avoid:
Refined foods
Simple carbs: sweet snacks, anything with added sugar, sweet cereals,
Fried foods
Salty foods
Sodas
Energy drinks
Fruit juices with added sugar
Processed foods: ie: American cheese and most deli meats
****Food additives like food coloring and preservatives. There is no empirical data that proves that these cause issues, but there is plenty of anecdotal evidence that it does. ******

A word on drugs and alcohol – including marijuana: Anything that alters brain chemistry is not a friend to your ADHD brain.

Bottom line : Having a well rounded healthy diet is essential for the ADHD brain to be at its best. Plan ahead as much as possible. If you can make and bring food with you when you are attending school. especially snacks, you can make the most of your nutrition and give you and your brain a gift of stability and happiness. It will take the “What am I going to eat? I’m starving, so I’m just going to eat whatever I can find,” situation and then eating anything, just to get something into your stomach just isn’t great for you physically, mentally or emotionally. Be prepared and proactive. Your brain will thank you!

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
– Mark Twain

Disorganized Organization 

Part 2

If you know me well, you might ask if the above is a real picture of my shoes.  It’s not, but it could be.    I love shoes.  My closet is full of them.  At any given time, my shoes in my closet may certainly look like this.  At the moment, my closet and shoe collection looks pretty organized.  At least through my eyes.  I know where all of my specific pairs are.  Others may look at it (my husband), and wonder how I know where anything is.  But, I know, and that’s all that matters, until I stop using my organization system and it doesn’t work anymore.  Then, I have to clean it all up again and reorganize them.  Who prompts me to clean it up and organize again?  Sometimes it’s me when I can’t stand it anymore, or my husband who kindly (at least most of the time) asks me to clean up my shoe mess especially when it starts to creep in on his side of the closet.  This is my modus operandi.    

When it comes to organization, one size does not fit all.  Yes, the shoe pun was intended.  We are all different and unique from each other.  .  Different body types, different likes and dislikes, different beliefs, different ideas, and all of us have unique brains.  Not one person is completely like another.  This is one of the things that makes living our own unique life so exciting, or frustrating, or exasperating.  What works for me, may not work for you, or for that matter anyone else.  

There are thousands of self help books, websites, Tik Tok and YouTube videos about telling you how to organize everything in your life.  Everyone has an idea on how to “fix” you.   There are so many great systems and ideas out there.  And you might want to and have tried  them all, but nothing seems to actually work for long.  I’ve tried various systems over the years,, but I often end up asking myself , why doesn’t anything work in the long term?  The answer might possibly be, I need to find out how my brain works and who I am and what resonates for me.  I need to find my system, not someone else’s.   This may be true for you as well, and if  you are neurodivergent, it most certainly will be true.  

The beginning of this year, my husband and I sold our home of almost 27 years, and bought a new home 400 miles away.  It has been an exciting, yet very challenging time. It happened very quickly- less than 45 days.  I knew that I would have to really figure out how to be organized.  So, I spent a few sessions with a coach friend of mine who helped me figure out what would work best for me to keep things straight.  We discovered that I like making lists, that I like to keep things in binders, that I like to divide things up into categories.  These things are at the heart of who I am and what I like.  So, I bought a big zippered binder that I called “The Brain” .  I filled it with dividers with pockets, and I added a legal pad, pens and sticky notes.  Everything regarding the move has gone into this “brain”:  to do lists, vendors, needs, receipts, projects, etc all had their own section.  What was so great about this “brain” is that I made it myself.  It met my needs and how my brain works.  I had a special place for it and knew where it was at all times.  I didn’t have to remember anything on my own, because everything was in there.  I also “sold”  the idea to my husband, and he would ask me to bring it out to go over things together.  Now that we have been in our home for two months, we still use the brain for ongoing home projects.

But what about the other areas that I struggle with in organization?  Like my closet and all the other storage places, and kitchen and office?  Well, I’m working on that still.  This is a journey.  One of the things that my husband and I are doing is taking our time unpacking and making sure that we aren’t just  emptying the boxes for emptying sake.  And there’s a lot of compromise.  Oh, that’s fun.  My husband is neurotypical.  I’m not.  What makes logical sense  to him may be completely nonsense to me and vice versa.   But I have decided to be dedicated to figuring this out, because it’s important to me right now to make our new home a place that at the end of the day I can look around me and be at peace.  When I am emptying boxes and putting things away I take a pause and ask myself the following questions or take the following steps:

What area do I want to work on right now?  I choose only one, so I don’t get overwhelmed.

If I’m going to empty boxes, how many boxes can I handle going through right now?

Where should each item go as I take it out of the box?  If I don’t have an answer, I will ask my husband, or put it aside.  (We have a holding area – a pretty big one I might add)

I take frequent breaks.  If I do too much, then I become sloppy, don’t think as clearly and become overwhelmed.

How does Ryan fit into all of this?   He too struggles with organization. After years of trying to force him into cleaning his room a certain way or setting up a system for school in a certain way, I have backed off from trying to force him into a system that doesn’t work for him.  He is on his own journey and is working with a coach and therapist to learn more about himself and how his brain works.  I have also been able to step back and empathize more with his struggle.  I can work on myself and be an encouraging parent instead of being the hammer in his life.  This is a difficult transition for me.  Letting go though is truly what is best for both Ryan and me..  

If you find yourself struggling with organization, I will offer you the following:

Ask yourself these questions:

  1.  Why is being organized important to you?
  2. Are you happy living the way you are?  
  3. How would your life be better if you were more organized?
  4. What would your life look like if you found a system that works for you?
  5. What has worked for you in the past? Whatever that is, do it!
  6. What hasn’t worked in the past?  Don’t continue to try to fit yourself into that round hole if you are square. 

Ideas and resources that may help you:

  1.  Hire a professional organizer.  
  2. Ask a friend to help you. By the way – many people with ADHD are great people to help others get organized.  They may not be great at keeping themselves organized, but boy do they have great ideas for others!
  3. Ask for the support from a spouse, partner or friend..  
  4. Communicate with your spouse or partner and share and be open about your struggles.  
  5. And I couldn’t leave you without a link for an organizational quiz:  

                        www.clutterbug.me     

                 There’s all kinds of tips and ideas on this website.  Cassandra Aarssen has quite the backstory as well as having ADHD.  I heard her speak at the ADHD conference and she is quite inspiring

Happy organizing!  Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.  I look forward to hearing about your organization struggles, and more importantly your wins!

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

                                                                                                                ― Mark Twain

Disorganized Organization

Part 1

“Even when I’m organized, I’m disorganized”, I say to my husband as I try to locate a single boot to match the other boot in my “organized” closet.  He laughs and says “That’s the title of your next blog!”  After the  yelling and sighing and frustration, and finding that darn boot, and finally able to get out of the house,  I am now able to  respond to my initial statement and my husband’s remarks.    I shake my head and give a small little sigh and giggle.  

 A day later, as we are sharing this episode with friends over dinner,  I fumble and almost drop my full plate of food,  my husband says, “Well, I know who Ryan gets his ADHD from.”  

Yes, it’s obvious and plain as day.  That apple doesn’t fall far from this tree.  Sometimes I laugh about it, sometimes I cry and I often put my hand on Ryan’s shoulder, and tell him lightheartedly, how sorry I am that he takes after his mother.  Come to think of it, I do the same thing with my daughter, but for different reasons…..

I have a short fuse if I can’t find anything.  I spend an inordinate amount of time organizing my life.  After organizing things, I look at it and say with all honesty how great it looks,  whether it’s my desk, my closet or my dresser. I even will say out loud, “Well hopefully I can keep it that way!. 

 Never ever can I keep anything organized for long.  Either I end up throwing things on top of whatever I have organized, throw things in the closet, don’t put away clothes, stuff things in drawers, toss things in bins or boxes or under the bed, or, or, or…..You would think, that because I know this about myself, that it would motivate me to keep things organized.  It doesn’t.  I’m pretty fed up about it, and wonder if I will EVER figure this out.  

My expectations for others that I live with don’t match my own behavior.  The old do as I say, not as I do is my modus operandi when it comes to those expectations.  Not fair, you say?  Of course it’s not fair.  How can I expect my loved ones to be better organized than I am?  Actually I am better at organizing others belongings than I am organizing my own stuff.  On the surface this doesn’t make sense.  But ask just about any ADHDer who struggles with organization and they will admit that they are GREAT at helping others become organized.   Honestly, we are overjoyed and excited and interested in helping others get organized.  Why is this typical for an ADHDer?  Because keeping ourselves organized is boring, and hard, even if it makes our lives easier and better.  And there’s the conundrum.  Neurodivergent brains don’t make sense in a neurotypical world.  

So back to my world, as well as Ryan’s. .  We can be very hard on ourselves.  We are embarrassed.  We may even mask and lie about our poor organization.  But, maybe a little acceptance and compassion for myself is in order.  Afterall, I’ve been this way my entire life.  Maybe it’s time to figure out a different organizational system instead of doing the same thing over and over again and trying to get a different result.  (Wait, didn’t Einstein say something about that? Really I’m not insane!)  I need new tools.  Stay tuned and  I’ll let you know what organizational systems I research and those that speak to me in Part II.  Hopefully I won’t spend too much time going down the rabbit hole of all the systems that are out there as I’ve got to get my things organized before I move- I’m still getting ready to get ready.  I gotta keep this short.   Time is ticking!  

  “You may say organize, organize, organize; but there may be so much organization that it will interfere with the work to be done.”            Mark Twain

Getting Ready to Get Ready

You have a new project to do.  You:

  1.  Think about how exciting this project is.
  2. Become a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of it.
  3. Think a little more about it, and what it might take to start getting organized.
  4. Research how you might organize said project.
  5. Go down the rabbit hole of all the calendars you can use, project manager apps and websites, office supply websites, and Pinterest to get ideas on what and how to organize the project.  
  6. Decide what apps, websites etc. to use.
  7. Go down the rabbit hole again and spend an inordinate amount of time learning how to use those apps, websites, calendars etc.
  8. Put all the project information, deadlines, and to do lists in the apps and organizer and calendar that you spend a crazy amount of time learning how to use..
  9. Want the process to be perfect.
  10. Have made the decisions on how to proceed to actually start the project, but you are so exhausted by getting ready that you have no energy left to actually begin the work on the project. 

The above is known as getting ready to get ready.  That stage when we think and plan about a project that is presented to us.  In a simpler explanation: You have a party to go to.   You think about what you’re going to wear to the  party, (the getting ready to get ready)  and then you put on those clothes. (getting ready)    Then you actually go to the party (the project).  

Do you see yourself in the above?  And if you do, how often has this happened to you?  This happens to a lot of people I know.    If you have ADHD, then this might happen to you,  a lot.  You get so excited and very interested  about a project – whether it’s school or work or home, or arts and crafts.  You start thinking about it and coming up with all kinds of ideas about it, buying supplies, and planning and then you just fizzle out, because you’ve spent all of your brain energy on that pesky getting ready to get ready.  You may even have family and friends who look at you and say “Well, here she goes again!  She’ll never finish that project but she’ll buy everything for the project and never finish it!”  They simply don’t understand you and why you do the things you do.  And you don’t understand yourself either.   You end up feeling bad and embarrassed over your inability to actually accomplish anything. 

What to do?  With anything, you have to realize that your behavior isn’t doing you any favors.  Of course, going it alone and attempting to change your behavior may be difficult and maybe even impossible.  And this behavior has taken up residence in your brain for many years, because quite simply, it’s just the way your brain works.    Your brain will probably not be willing to change willingly and may even fight you at every turn.  You can’t rewire your brain, but you can use tools that will help you be more successful.  If you ask for help from someone who  is a close friend, ally, co-worker or family member when a new project comes up, that can be a big help to give you a pause and think a bit before you jump in with your entire body.  Maybe take time before you have a project to find a system that will work for just about any kind of project.  And then use that one consistently.    If you don’t have anyone who is willing or is able to help, then a coach can help you identify a system or develop one that can be personalized to your learning style.  

I have a confession.  This getting ready to get ready, is  me all over.  And I’m going through it right now, as I am moving from a home and area that I have lived in for over twenty six years to a new home  350 miles away.  Needless to say, I am quite overwhelmed and am spinning my wheels at getting ready to get ready to move.  So far, I am using three tools to help me manage this gigantic project.  First,  I have my husband who is a clear, non ADHDer thinker.  He is the epitome of organization.  I am lucky and blessed to have him.  Throughout each day, we frequently check in with each other and discuss what we are working on and add or remove  tasks.   Second,  I have my own coach who has helped me figure out what kind of organizational system that will work best for me.  This has cut down my research of systems to nothing.  I’m keeping it simple, and I have not had to learn how to use those wonderful but high learning curve apps that are out there. My system is as uncomplicated and easy as possible.  My husband has accepted this system, and works with it as well, so that we have one system between us.  I call the system “The Brain”.  .  Third, every morning before I start my day, I sit down at my desk and write out my to-do list for the day.  As I finish something, I cross it out, which gives me a little bit of joy and motivation to keep going.  And maybe that’s the bottom line here.  Keep it simple.  Keep it easy.  It may not be the most up to date system, but it works for me, and keeps me from wandering through the house aimlessly. 

As I continue to get ready to get ready, this will slowly transition into getting ready to move, and then the move.  I am determined to not completely lose my marbles.  There is hope, as I have my tools and support system in place.  

“Plan for the future, because that is where you are going to spend the rest of your life”         Mark Twain

Happy New Year!

Thoughts on Resolutions

As I sit and write and reflect on the past year, I am gladly moving on to the new year.  There were many challenges, some devastating, some remarkably positive.  All were life altering.  What do I want to accomplish this year?  And where does Ryan fit into all of this?  Ryan too has faced many of the same challenges I faced this year, as well as his own. With your permission, I will digress here for a moment.   

Ryan is at a stage in his life that I can no longer share many of his personal challenges, whether  positive or negative.  It’s no longer my place,  and his privacy is too important to him.  The things that I will share though will be thoroughly vetted by him.  It’s been quite some time since I provided an update on the goings on in Ryan’s life.  Here is a short synopsis:

-Ryan is in his 5th year at Southern Oregon University.  He hopes to be finished with school after  winter term 2025.  There are some challenging classes ahead of him, but he is determined to complete all of his required courses and graduate.  

-He has been facing some difficult medical issues that are being addressed.  Although difficult, the end results will help him be healthier and happier.

-He is applying to work at a summer camp this summer.

-He still throws out his Ryanisms, which continue to bring joy and laughter to our family.  (Ryanisms are funny sayings or terms that Ryan makes up on the spot  and blurts out.)

-His ADHD is still in roaring form.  He’ll never grow out of it.  But he continues to learn how to manage his symptoms with tools that he’s learned as well as medication which help him be successful.

-He continues to work with an academic coach/mentor, therapist, psychiatrist and a few other medical doctors. 

My role as Ryan’s mother continues to evolve.  I would like nothing more than to cut all apron strings and see the bird fly on his own.  Although all the strings won’t be cut this coming year, I do have a goal to cut more strings and help Ryan  manage more things on his own.  I believe we both want and need this.  It will definitely be difficult and maybe even a bit painful, I’m not sure if it will be more painful for him or for me..  But it’s important for his independence and for my physical and mental health.  

Now back to the new year.  Ryan asked me if I had any new year’s resolutions.  I told him I didn’t, but that I had plans and goals for the year.  Resolutions give me hives.  They never work.  By mid to late January all the resolutions have flown out the window, never to return, unlike birds that fly south for the winter and return for the summer.  They never stay or come back.  Ryan wanted to know what my goals were.  I told him I wasn’t ready to divulge them as I hadn’t sat down to write them out and plan all the steps it would take to get them accomplished.  And that’s the key for me- writing down the steps and breaking larger goals into smaller ones  so the end goals don’t seem so large. Otherwise, I will be overwhelmed and not accomplish anything.  

As I work on my plans and goals for the year over  the next week or so, I will figure out my system.  I’ll then share with Ryan and the rest of my family  what I have learned about my process and will show them my plans and goals for the year.  I will need their encouragement and help to stay on track.  This will help me be accountable to myself and to them.  It also helps me as a mother to be able to say to them “not just do as I say, but do as I do” .  In other words, how can I expect Ryan to have and work on his goals, if I don’t do the same for myself?  I still need to set a good example for  my adult children and especially for Ryan and his  neurodivergence.  He will see that I practice what I preach and just maybe he’ll be inspired by me.  Or maybe not.  But at least I will be doing my part.  

I’ll follow up in another blog post in a  month or so to let you know how I’m doing on my plans.  Now I’m bringing you the reader in on my journey so that I can be accountable to you as well.  .  Oooh that’s added pressure, but it may just be what I need to get things done.

.      “New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

― Mark Twain