My to-do list is a mile long.  Every time I cross one thing out, I add 3 more things to do.

My friends are going out to dinner tonight and I want to go.  But I have a million things to do.  If I go, I won’t get anything done.  But I don’t want to miss out.  

I have to take the kids to all of their activities, and help in their classroom, and work full time, and clean the house, and make dinner. Oh and I forgot, I have to take my own mother to the doctor’s.  

I’ve procrastinated in getting my homework done, but I have a club meeting, and then I have a meeting with my advisor, and then I have an application to fill out for an internship.  I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t think I can get anything done.  I’ll just watch a movie instead.  

I have so much to do that I’m not getting enough sleep.  I stay up working on things, and then it’s late and I can’t get to sleep because all I can think about is all of the tasks I left unfinished.

Yes, I’ll go to the mall with you.  Yes, I’ll join the committee, it sounds like fun.  Yes, I can take one more class since I have that evening free. 

But, my kid wants to sing in the choir, and take gymnastics, and be in student government and play basketball, and take piano lessons.  How can I say no?  But I’m overwhelmed just having to think about taking them everywhere.  And now we don’t have very much family time, and they’re cranky and struggling getting enough sleep, because they also have to do their homework.

Oh no, I have ADHD, and I just literally do not have any brain power left to get anything done.  What am I going to do? 

It’s hard enough being  neurotypical and trying to maintain a balanced and not too busy life.  When you add ADHD to the mix, is it any wonder that the ADHDer can’t keep up, can’t manage their time, and then constantly finds themselves in overwhelm? 

Our society puts value on people who are accomplished.  From the student who has many extracurricular activities and a 4.0 plus GPA, to the  mother who runs a business, and volunteers for numerous organizations and is raising well adjusted children, to the entrepreneur who seems to be everywhere all at once and seems to have it all.  

The problems arise when we neurodivergents try to do and be it all.  And we are so used to being in overwhelm, that we don’t know what it’s like to not be in it.     Why do we do that?  Because we want to be like everyone else. We want others to see us as being successful like everyone else.   Guess what?  We aren’t like everyone else.  

I do not write this to be judgmental or to wag my finger at you.  I write this to give support, to bring some light on the subject, to tell you that you don’t have to do it all.  And this blog is more of an overwhelm prevention, not how to deal with it once you’re in it.  

You don’t have to be and do  it all.  You can take the steps to slow down.  You can be the author of your own overwhelm – that you can change things so that you don’t have to be in overwhelm all the time.  Grant it, there will be times through no fault of your own that you will be in overwhelm due to outside forces.  But – you have the power to manage many things in your life to minimize it and keep it in check.

Take a step back and look at your life and what you have on your plate or on your to do list that you simply don’t need to do.  Maybe right now there’s not much you can take off.  But how about going forward?  Asking yourself the hard questions like “Should I add one more activity to my schedule or to my kid’s schedule?”  “What else can I get rid of that isn’t serving me? “  Learning how to say no, with NO explanation or excuses, unless you feel the need to educate someone about how your unique brain works.  Learning how to be kind to yourself and giving yourself permission to not be everywhere all at once.  Be kind to yourself and give yourself the rest and space you need to be the best version of you.  Accept that the rat race was maybe not meant for you.  Allow yourself to free up your time a bit, so that when something comes up that you truly have an interest in doing, you have the space to do it.     

And for goodness sake, get some sleep.  You know how important sleep is.  It’s simply a basic need.  How do you expect to be at 100% without it?  And the ADHD brain and sleep?  It needs a lot of it.   Hmmm, on that note, I think I feel a nap coming on.  Napping is good.  I’ve got a lot on my to do list, but my brain and body need a break……

“Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”

-Mark Twain

How often do we yell at our partner or spouse over some perceived grievance, or task that has been done “wrong”, or them not remembering a date or a bill to pay, or your birthday, or your kid’s birthday.  Or we yell at them for having a messy side of the bedroom, or a messy closet, or a messy desk. Or we ask them why they did or didn’t do something?  Or we get frustrated and exasperated at them for having to continually go back into the house when we’re already in the car because they’ve forgotten their hat/water/purse/sunglasses/book, again.  The “Why can’t you remember anything?” “ Why can’t you finish painting the bookshelf?”, “Why did you forget the water was boiling, and now there’s no water left in the pot, do you WANT to burn the house down?”  , “When are you going to finish putting away the laundry, half of it is still in the basket?”  “For goodness sake, stop watching those videos, we’ve got a million things to do.”  “Did you mean to leave half the dishes in the sink?”  I could go on and on and on, couldn’t I?

What happened between loving all of our partner’s quirks and funny habits at the beginning of our relationships,  to the “I just can’t stand it anymore, they just don’t care, I have to do everything around here, and I need them to change.  What is wrong with them?”

If you are in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, the above can quite literally be your life.  And if you are the one with ADHD, then you know what it’s like to be berated, yelled at and quite frankly, scolded as if you are a child.  Painful for both sides?  Absolutely.  

Let’s first take the side of the neurotypical spouse.  Maybe one of the things that drew you to your neurodivergent partner was their zest for life, their humor, their devil may care outlook on life.  Their bit of messiness was okay with you.  It didn’t seem to get in the way of their life.  Their flight of ideas and their passion about certain topics excited you.  But somewhere along the way, they seemed to be a bit spacey, or a bit not present, and their messiness or inability to complete tasks or remember things started to get in the way of your everyday life and you’ve grown tired.  You’ve been in their “mess” now for many years, own a house, maybe even have children.  Maybe even those children are now grown and out of the house, and it has gotten to a point that you really can’t deal with it anymore.  You bring it to their attention in a way that you think will maybe startle them into realizing they have a “problem”.  Initially you’re kind, but then find that that doesn’t work, so you start raising your voice thinking that maybe they’ll hear you better, or that will get their attention and then they’ll do something about it.  Your partner may just stare at you or yell back.  And you ask yourself and/or them -”why can’t you get your act together?”  You know they have ADHD, but sometimes you think they just use this as an excuse.  

Now for the ADHDer.  You know you have these issues.  You’re faced with them almost  every moment of every day.  You are frustrated, because you want to be able to be focused, to complete tasks, to be present, to finish projects in a timely fashion, and yet you just can’t do it.  You don’t want to use your ADHD as an excuse, you want to use it as a reason, and more than anything you want to find the help and tools you need to be a better partner.  The yelling you receive just makes you feel shame, and it does nothing to move you to “be better”.  You know your brain works differently and you struggle with executive functioning, but you just don’t know what to do or where to go.  You may quite possibly be very successful at work, but your personal life is just a bit of a mess.  You want help, but just don’t know where to start.  You’re overwhelmed and tired too.

What to do?  The first thing?  Stop yelling.  (I know, not so easy.)  But what does yelling actually accomplish?  We are adults after all and NO ONE likes to be yelled at.  For the person who is doing the yelling, I know you’re frustrated, but all that does is bring the ADHDers “failings” to the forefront and does nothing to help the ADHDer become motivated to become a more responsive person.  Maybe ask instead  what you can do to support your lovable ADHDer. For goodness sake, hit the pause button before you say something that may injure your spouse more. 

 For the ADHDer, who is being yelled at, maybe start by asking your partner to help you.  Ask them to not yell at you, because that makes you feel demeaned and shameful.  Explain to them that your brain works differently and you’re trying to figure out how it works differently and that you’re trying to find tools that will help you become more successful in the areas that you struggle with.  And you can also use the power of the pause.  Take a breath before you respond when you’re being yelled at.  And of course, Communicate, communicate, communicate.

I know that this advice seems simple, it is.  And that this will not “solve” the situation, but it’s really a great place to start.  From here you can springboard into action and find other tools that will help.  Work together to help each other.  Be patient and compassionate.  Find a coach that can work with you as a couple and as individuals to learn more about how the ADHDer brain works and discover tools that will work for you. 

I understand personally how ADHD can impact a marriage. It takes extra work, patience, love and understanding to make it successful.  And in the end, that’s what we all want.  

“There isn’t time -so brief is life-for bickerings, apologies, hearburnings, callings to account,  There is only time for loving – and but an instant so to speak for that.

1886 Letter-Mark Twain 

Give yourself permission to cry, to yell, to scream, to rant,  to dance, to sing, to be silly, to nap, to exercise, to ask why, to not do the dishes, to not clean the bathroom, to not shower or wash your hair every day, to have alone time in the morning, to have alone time at night, to read a book, to knit, to crochet, to craft, to make hotdogs for dinner, to make breakfast for dinner, to watch TV in the afternoon,  to forgive yourself, to take a breath, to take a break, to take a break, to take a BREAK, to stand in the rain, to lock yourself in the bathroom, to ask for help, to say no, to say yes, to meditate, to study, to pray,  to go back to school, to go back to work, to not work, to look in the mirror and say I love you to yourself, to accept your children for who they are, to be patient, to be enough, to sleep in, to love, to laugh so hard that you pee, to be you, to be whatever you were meant to be.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made,  and need to be celebrated.  Happy Mother’s Day!

PARENT

Parenthood isn’t for the weak.  Why would anyone want to become one?  To pass on our genes to another living being?  To love something other than ourselves?  Because we love children? Because that’s what is expected of us?  Because it’s the thing we humans do?  

It’s the hardest, most demanding job in the world.  And we don’t know what we’re going to get when we have them. But once we do have them, we love them.  They love us.  And it’s worth it,  even when there are days when we just don’t see how we can get through another day.  

Since I’ve had my children, I have felt every emotion.  Some days in the span of just a few hours, I have felt both elation and complete devastation.  There are some experiences I wish I had never had to deal with,  and then there are the days  and times I wish the wonderful experiences would last forever.  And then there have been times when I just wish I could hire someone to take over for me, so that I could run away.  Don’t worry, those times are always fleeting.  But thinking about those feelings have prompted me to write the following job opening.    

Job Title:   Parent

Job Description:  24/7 care of a newborn, toddler, grade schooler, middle schooler, high schooler, and college student. Care of adult children is very probable as well,  lasting until your last breath.  

Job responsibilities: Candidates should be:

•  Available 24/7 to the wants and needs of your child for their lifetime, or your lifetime,  whichever ends first.  (Yes, maybe a morbid thought, but accurate)  This includes, but not limited to,  answering phone calls at all hours of the day and night, sending money, asking questions that your child will not want to answer, telling your child what to do,  being worried sick, and not sleeping   If your child is neurodivergent, plan on working extra time.  If you think that you can’t work more than 24 hours a day/7 days a week?  It is possible.  You’ll see.  This is just a very short list of responsibilities.  Space here is limited and would require a 3000 page document.  Nothing is off the table of responsibilities.  Prepare questions for your interview.  Don’t worry, there won’t be an interview. 
•  Willing to work hard.  Really hard.  Harder than you ever thought possible.
• Willing to work without sleep. 
•  Be willing to give up their previous life, 
•  Be able to allow themselves to fail, to cry, to ask for help, and when that help arrives, to run away screaming for a few hours. 
• Be able to think quickly, change plans frequently and go hungry.

Qualifications:  No degree required.  No experience needed.  On the job training.   Having a great sense of humor.  Candidate needs to also have a good support system.  (The “it takes a village” is true). Candidate should be able to learn how to deal with high anxiety and high pressure.  

Vacation/Sick Time:  Good luck.  Although it should be a requirement that vacation and sick time be taken.  Work hard at finding someone to cover for you so you can take vacation and sick time.  Management will not be able to help you figure this out or take care of finding someone to cover for you.      

Salary:  Very funny.  There is no financial compensation.  See perks below.

Perks:  Endless/boundless  love.   High satisfaction.  Every day,  especially at the end of the day when you crawl into bed,you will be able to pat yourself on the back and say, “Well, at least my child survived today!”  That’s great success!  And if they reach adulthood?  Extra bonus points!!!

Inquiry:  Only those with patience and love to give need apply.  Please think long and hard before applying   As stated above, there will  not be an interview process and you will be thrown into the job without much preparation. 

Advancement:  No advancement.  You will “just” be a parent for the rest of your life.  And if you’re extra lucky, you can become the parent of more children!  

Support:  Sorry, but there is no technical support phone number to call when you need help or have questions.  But, there is hope.  For illnesses, call the doctor.  For other concerns, call your friends, neighbors, grandparents, siblings, etc.  They will for sure offer advice even if you don’t want it.  That advice may be helpful or it might not be.  Make sure you thank them  – profusely, especially if they happen to be your own parents.   If the job is really getting to you and your own mental health, call a mental health professional.  Please.  ASAP.  

Education possibilities:  The job offers continuous continuing education hours.  You will have earned your PhD, if only in your mind by the time your child is an adult.  Maybe even multiple PhD’s!  Just think of those possibilities!  And if your child is blessed with being neurodivergent, the possibilities are greatly increased!  Yay for you!

How to apply:  Well, we won’t go into that.  That requires a lesson in biology which you need to make sure you understand and can read about in a book, or ask a friend…..

Just think long and hard about applying.  

“Familiarity breeds contempt- and children.”

Mark Twain

I’m  not going to tell my parents/teacher/coach that I didn’t finish the classwork

I’m going to ignore those emails and say I never got them

I’m going to watch this movie and not think about doing the things I said I was going to                        

do.

I lied to my friends about where I was going.  It was just easier than telling the truth.

I  lie because I’m embarassed. 

I lied about not passing my class

I lied to my friends about…….

I told lies about why I couldn’t do…….

I told lies to my parents and friends  about ……..

I get upset when I get caught lying.

Sometimes when I tell stories, I stretch the truth or embellish descriptions so that I sound more cool, more interesting or smarter.  

I feel ashamed for not doing XYZ, so I’ll just lie about it, so that others won’t think I’m a loser, or an idiot, or ……….

I just want to feel good about myself.  But if others see the real me, then they won’t accept me for who I am, or want to be my friend, or love me, so I lie.

I get upset when I’m called out.  I may lash out at you, because I’m so ashamed.  How dare you call me out.

I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want to admit that I’m not being honest.  Because if I do, then my self protection crumbles.  And then what do I have?  I’m afraid you’re going to walk away and not want to have anything to do with me. You will be upset and disappointed with me.  I have let you down, and I don’t think I can face that. 

I can’t stand conflict.  So I avoid it by lying.  It’s easier.  At least in the short run.

 I have ADHD, and I lie because I need to protect and preserve myself.  It’s not a character flaw.  

But I don’t want to be this person who isn’t honest, who lies, who covers up things that I know will eventually come out, because they always do.  It makes me ashamed.  

Please help me.

Many of us have experienced the above thoughts, feelings and actions.  They make us ashamed and we question ourselves why we do it.  For some of us it’s an occasional thing.  For others, especially those with ADHD, it can often be used as a coping strategy.  Lying sometimes becomes easier than telling a long convoluted explanation about something.  An ADHDer may hide behind their lies, because admitting that their ADHD is preventing them from being neurotypical is shameful for them.  They feel less than and so use dishonesty to help them feel more “normal”.

Relationships can be damaged, some beyond repair when dishonesty becomes a prominent feature in that relationship.  Relationships are built on trust.  How can we have a successful and healthy relationship with someone who has ADHD and often lies?

There’s two sides to the relationship when it comes to lying.  The liar and the one(s) being lied to.  Promoting honesty and being open with the ADHDer who lies is important.  Talking to them calmly and supportively is important.  They need to know that you will love and accept them no matter what, but that lying is not acceptable,  but at the same time acknowledging the difficulty they have sometimes in telling the truth.  Ask them how you can support them.  Ask them what would help them overcome their behavior.  Ask them how they feel when they lie and when they are found out so that you can understand why the lying has occurred.  

On the flip side, if you are the liar, you may need help from a therapist to work out how to become a more honest person, especially when the lying has caused irreparable damage such as not being able to keep jobs and  losing meaningful personal relationships, whether from family or friends.  Therapy may require that other family members or significant others  join in on sessions to come up with a plan together to help address dishonesty.  

Coaching can also help in conjunction with therapy whether you are the one who struggles with honesty or if you love someone who struggles with honesty.  Finding support systems and tools to help maintain trust and honesty can be a worthwhile endeavor.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

-Mark Twain

I have been writing this blog consistently for three years.  Throughout this time, I have focused on sharing my journey in raising Ryan as an ADHDer and all the joys and  challenges my family and I have experienced.   I’ve talked about all of Ryan’s diagnoses and co-occurring learning differences, and shared tools we have used and discovered to help Ryan be as successful as he can be.  

 Along this blogging journey,  I started to write a book which is aptly named “Life With Ryan , and the manuscript is finished and is in the process of being edited.  Through my blogging experience, I discovered that I have a passion to help others further by becoming an ADHD Life Coach and I have finished the coursework, am building my business and working towards certification.  

Change is in the air.  I’ve realized that I am struggling with coming up with new blog posts that are directly related to Ryan.  As I’ve tried to pull ideas out of the magic hat, it’s become clear to me that I need to change things up a bit and expand the blog to include information on ADHD and other neurodivergent challenges that may not be related to just Ryan.  Included in these posts, may be a list of tools or other advice on managing these challenges.  I will continue to write about Ryan if something comes up that I haven’t written about, but I want to open up this space to new ideas.  Which brings me to you the reader.  If there’s something you have interest in, or want to know more about, please feel free to contact me and let me know.  

Thank you for all of your support.  I am looking forward to growing this blog into something bigger than what it was initially intended to be.  

“If you want to change the future, you must change what you’re doing in the present.”

— Mark Twain

.    

Without hope, one is lost.  Without hope, you don’t want to go on.  Without hope, you are surrounded by darkness.  Hope encourages you to take another step, it gives you strength, it gives you purpose.

I’ve recently noticed in reading others blogs about their struggles with their children and themselves, that they are very dark and full of hopelessness.  It truly saddens me.  Personally, when I’m in a hopeless state, I tend not to write for others, but for my eyes only.  I understand what hopelessness can feel like, when there seems to be no end in sight, but I hope by shedding some light on my own experience in finding hope that it can help others. 

Raising Ryan has had its extreme ups and downs, even those extreme ups and downs occurring numerous times in one week.  When Ryan was first diagnosed, that was the first of many dark times.  The road ahead was going to be extremely difficult and long with no end, literally.  It was going to be  a lifelong endeavor.  We (my husband and I)  spent hours talking to others, doing research, talking to therapists, doctors, educators and other parents.   And we still do.  Sometimes, I felt like running away.  I wanted to give up.  I wanted to go crawl under the covers and not be a mom anymore.  Honestly, I had little hope that Ryan, as well as the rest of our family, would have a normal life.

All those feelings I mentioned above?  Oh I have felt them over and over again.  And, when things are going well, I tend to think, when is the next shoe going to drop?  Because, you know what?  It always does.  Sometimes, the shoe that drops is not that big of a deal, and sometimes it is a big deal.  And my automatic jump to a conclusion that it’s something bad, is almost always the case, because of past history.  I’ve had to work really hard to hold my mind back from going to the worst case scenario.  It is a constant battle.  (This little side note to my siblings who read this: yes I am still that worry wart I was when I was a kid!)  But the one thing that always comes in to halt me from falling “off the edge” is hope.

How do I find this hope?  First, is my faith in God.  For me personally this is my number one.  When all seems to be lost, I pray.  And when I pray I do my best to give  all my worries to God.  Second, gratitude.  I try to find one thing – and I really mean one thing that I am grateful for.  When you’re in the middle of going through despair, it can be difficult to find even one thing. It can even be as simple as being thankful that the sun came up today or that you had a cup of coffee.  And then I build on that one thing and try to add nine more.  I try to practice this every day.  Third,  I thank God for the gift of my children.  I thank God every day  for Ryan.  This gift has made me a stronger woman, a stronger mother, and a proponent for others.  Fourth, talking to others who have a child like mine.  There’s strength and hope in others who are going through similar experiences.  Fifth, coaching and therapy.  Sharing with a nonjudgmental professional has helped  give me the tools I have needed to thrive.  Sixth, medication.  Medication has helped me in the past get through the roughest patches of depression and anxiety.  Medication took  the edge off and helped me get the clarity and pause that I needed.  Seventh, helping others.  I found various things to do that gave  back to my community.  Writing this blog is one.  Becoming an ADHD coach is another. Just being a support for others has helped me feel good about myself and brought me joy when others tell me that I have helped them.    Eighth, exercise.  Sometimes the last thing that I have wanted to do is exercise. But when I do, it has done wonders for my brain, as well as my body.  The natural effect of exercise raises dopamine and serotonin. It helps me be happier, and gives my brain clarity.  I can focus better (exercise is proven to help those with ADHD)  Even just taking a walk around the block can help.  And last, but not least is respite.  I have given myself permission to  take time off for myself.  When Ryan was younger, this meant having lunch with a friend or taking an hour just to go to the bookstore by myself. Even now, when Ryan is far from home and difficulties arise, I will often take time out and  do something that I love to do just for me. It often just gives me the time out, to reset and once again clears my head so that hope can be reborn.   

Spring is a time of rebirth.  Celebrate it!  Chag Pesach Sameach to my Jewish family and friends, and Happy Easter to my Christian family and friends!

Make your ADHD life worth living.

Laugh in the midst of challenges.

Appreciate your differences

Find joy in your uniqueness

Find humor in your everyday challenges

Be the funny bone you were meant to be 

And for goodness sake, be a blazing saddle when everyone else is just  a boring, serious cowboy 

It’s 2 in the morning and I’m wide awake.  I can’t stop thinking about Ryan.  Is he doing alright?  Is he getting his homework done?  Is he getting his homework done? Is he getting his homework done?  Is he getting his homework done?  I bet he’s not getting his homework done.  What if he doesn’t get his homework done?  Oh no, he’s going to get behind.  How is he going to pass his class? He’ll have to take the class over again.   I  can’t get back to sleep.  I continue to think about Ryan and his class work.  Finally, finally, I  get back to sleep.  Later, when I get up, I start back in on the thoughts of Ryan getting his homework done and the possibility of him failing the class.  I automatically go to the worst possible outcome.  I tell myself that I need to stop thinking the worst,  and then I start thinking about my daughter and begin again to think about an issue about her that’s been bothering me.  And what do I do?  I go step by step down the road to the worst possible outcome.  I don’t know why, but my brain just takes me there..    

This is just not worrying.  This is called rumination.  It is a super intense concentration of negative thoughts that at times can paralyze a person who then has a difficult time shifting or transitioning to a normal state.  Surprise, surprise, it’s a very common trait in those with ADHD.  Hmmm, I’m not the only person in my family who struggles with this.  (Ryan?)

Negative thoughts are captivating for an ADHDer.  Those thoughts provide fodder for mental stimulation.  That mental stimulation even though it’s negative can give the ADHDer  an emotional rush.  It’s so much easier for the brain to accept negative thoughts than positive thoughts.  Positive thoughts can be fleeting and difficult to hold on to, while there’s no end to the growing negative thoughts.  And so the ability to pause and discern the negative thoughts can become near impossible.  

With so much negativity that has permeated many ADHDers’ lives, whether socially or educationally, or in professional  and relationship situations, it is no wonder that these experiences set the ADHDer on a path of negativity.  An example would be that a person has lost numerous jobs for tardiness.  They begin to think that they are a horrible person and will never be able to hold down a job.  Soon they start to believe that they won’t be given a chance at a job, or a chance at a relationship, etc. because they believe they will never succeed.  These negative thoughts begin to permeate their mind.  Based on previous experiences, the ADHDers brain begins to thrive on these negative thoughts.  They can also ruminate about things that aren’t about them, but a loved one, as in my rumination about Ryan.  Past negative experiences take root, and soon, the brain is off and running down a dark path.  

If left unchecked, rumination can cause depressive symptoms and feelings of  hopelessness and helplessness.  But like anything else, there are all kinds of strategies that can help.  I want to mention first and foremost that if  someone has depression, it is important they find a mental health professional as soon as possible for therapy and possible medications  However, if you realize that you ruminate and have the wherewithal to admit and realize that you want and need to do something about it, here are some tools and strategies that may help you.  Note:  Yes, this blog focuses on those with ADHD, but many people also ruminate who don’t have ADHD, so this is for you too.

•  Take a pause.  Take a breath.  Then change the channel in your mind
• If you are ruminating in the middle of the night, get up, write down the worries and then throw them in the trash
• If you have a person of faith, pray
• Watch a comedy
• Develop positive prompts, comforting phrases, or something you can repeat to yourself
• Go outside and move
• Sing, dance or play fun music
• Identify trigger situations and people ahead of time so you can prepare
• Count your blessings
• Distract yourself with an activity you love

If you find it difficult to employ a strategy, it can help by talking to a trusted friend, a therapist or a coach who can help you come up with your own strategies and put them into practice.  

“Humor is the great thing , the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.”

-What Paul Bourget Thinks of Us   Mark Twain

Typical conversation:

Monday-  Me: “So, have you finished your paper yet?  It’s due on Friday.”

    Ryan:  “No,  but don’t worry, Mom, I’ll get it done.”

Tuesday – Me:  “So have you finished your paper yet?”

    Ryan:  “No, Mom!  I told you not to worry, I’ll get it done!”

Wednesday – Me:  “Is your paper done?”

        Ryan:  “I told you I’ll get it done!”

Thursday –  Me:  “Ryan, how’s that paper coming along?”

      Ryan:  “I’m doing it today, leave me alone!  It’ll be fine!  But I’m stressed and now I’m going to be working on it all day and can’t do anything else.”

End story:  Ryan works hard on it last minute, turns it in and gets a good grade.  As for me?  I have more gray hair, and my blood pressure rises.  But what do I expect?  This is his modus operandi.  And when he works like this, the work he turns in on time is usually quite good.  At the same time, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  Some of my best work has been done in a crunch.

I’ve talked about time blindness, the ADHD tax and executive functioning.  Procrastination can fall under those categories, but I think it deserves its own time in the limelight.  Many of us struggle with procrastination even if we don’t have ADHD.  But for those with ADHD, many struggle with and yet thrive in that crazy, time crunching, super producing time when delivery of a product has come down to the wire.  Why is that?  

Well, let’s see.  Lack of interest, lack of motivation, and time blindness.  Have you heard this before:  I just don’t want to do it, it’s not interesting.  Or, I really like the subject, but I can’t get myself to start.  Or, I have plenty of time to get it done, so I can start on it later.  Or it’s a feeling of now, not now,  which is the strong pull to go to a party right now, instead of working on the not now homework that isn’t due for a few days.  

   All of these reasons for not writing the paper or doing the project are common issues for the ADHD brain.  But what happens so often, is that the ADHDer can work extraordinarily well when the pressure is on and the end result can be quite brilliant!  

It may all come down to that neurotransmitter,  dopamine.  According to WebMD,  “Our nervous system uses dopamine to send messages between nerve cells.  It plays a role in how we feel pleasure.  It’s a big part of our unique human ability to think and plan.  It helps us strive, focus, and find things interesting.”    You can guess by this description, that the ADHD brain either lacks dopamine, or dopamine receptors are lacking or both.  This simply explains why an ADHDer will procrastinate,  and it surely explains why when the pressure is on, that dopamine increases and activates that brain to get the work done, and gets the work done well and quickly. 

This is the way some people like to live. But many people don’t like to live like this and many have partners, parents and bosses who just can’t understand or accept that this is how their loved one or employee is wired.  And like everything else, there are tools and supports that the ADHDer can use that may work well for them, so that procrastination can be held at bay.

Stimulant and non stimulant ADHD medications are one way to help.  But most often, medication alone isn’t the only answer.  Other support systems and tools need to be explored to help manage the procrastination.  Writing to do lists, chunking the project into smaller pieces, working backwards from the due date to schedule in times and specific action items on the calendar are some tools to use.  Employing a coach to help organize the steps to the finished product or using a writing tutor or educational therapist can also help if the ADHDer is a student. 

One of my favorite tools is body doubling.  Finding someone you can work with side by side, whether it’s in person or on a zoom call can be very effective. Showing up and being accountable to someone else, can be very powerful.  One person  will be working on something they need to do, and the other person will be working on something they need to do.  Whether it’s homework, decluttering, paying bills, exercising or  any other kind of project, just having someone else “next” to you, gives a person a wonderful feeling of accomplishment..  

Even if you find and you think that living in your procrastinating world is working well for you, is it really?  In the long run it’s probably not.  It may cause you to lose sleep, cause undue anxiety and stress, and cause breakdown in your relationships as well as putting everything else in your life on hold while you focus on that “thing” that has to get done, and then having to ignore  everything else in your life. 

 Consider learning about tools that may help you, or the ADHDer in your life.  Try some of the above tools, or work at discovering  something else that may work for you.  Be an advocate and discover great possibilities.  

                     “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.”            –  Mark Twain